Poem about Abhorsen

[Abhorsen]

This poem is about the last book of Garth nix's old kingdom series

[CENTER]Orannis

Southerling’s tale
The Abhorsen with mark at hand,
Trudging through the stormy land,
Seeking the enemy that we fear,
We all know our end is near,
Against his power we must fight,
Against the darkness of this night,
Stumbling forward, swords stained red,
Driving down the rotting dead,
Then it came, the fatal blow,
None of us will ever know,
If our enemy prevails

Lirael’s tale
The spell was cast, but would it hold,
The enemy in its spear of gold,
The spell she knew, the spell she found,
Now the creature would be bound,
The blood of seven, and the bells,
A swipe of the sword swimming in spells,
And if she lived, through this day,
She would always keep a sword at bay,
But if it was given, the fatal blow,
She herself would never know,
If the enemy prevails

Sameth’s tale
Blood was needed for the final spell,
But how would Orannis dwell,
Hidden in its spear of gold,
Would Lirael’s magic hold?
A far away, distant dream,
Of being home, safe, and clean
But here fighting the greater dead,
He did not let his sadness spread,
Regaining courage, he ran at speed,
As though he was a mighty steed,
But if he received the fatal blow,
He would never ever know,
If the enemy prevails[/CENTER]

[Stewart]

I don't know why but this reminded me of Lord Randall (Anon.) *

Maybe it was the repetition at the end of each stanza or the ode-like qualities it possesses.

The biggest problem (outwith the poem itself) is that I have no idea who Garth Nix is and therefore I don't know his characters. So, as a layperson reading it I don't know the characters. Is the Abhorsen a tribe, a monster, a nickname? A few couplets, maybe, would be recommended to introduce these characters.

Let's start, naturally, with the first stanza:

Southerling’s tale
The Abhorsen with mark at hand,
Trudging through the stormy land,
Seeking the enemy that we fear,
We all know our end is near,
Against his power we must fight,
Against the darkness of this night,
Stumbling forward, swords stained red,
Driving down the rotting dead,
Then it came, the fatal blow,
None of us will ever know,
If our enemy prevails

I'm curious to know why they are seeking an enemy if they are afraid of him and why they "must" fight against him.

Seeking the enemy that we fear,
We all know our end is near,
Against his power we must fight,

These three lines are a tad weak and seem cliched. The first line quoted also has too many syllables with respect to the other lines around it which through off the rhythm. I get the impression that these people are marching towards their doom. Choosing the right words should represent this impending end and, with your words, you have captured - and given the impression - that these people are pathetic with "stumbling". The rhythm, however, doesn't feel like a march at all.

Then it came, the fatal blow,
None of us will ever know,
If our enemy prevails

The problem with this part is that the previous lines have been in the present tense and changes to past tense, which takes the lines out of context. It doesn't feel right. If you change the tense to fit with the rest of the stanza then you'll also be able to alter the last line to match that of the other two stanzas.

Then it comes, the fatal blow,
None of them will ever know,
If the enemy prevails

The last line of each stanza is good. Reminds me of drinking songs, etc.

Lirael’s tale
The spell was cast, but would it hold,
The enemy in its spear of gold,
The spell she knew, the spell she found,
Now the creature would be bound,
The blood of seven, and the bells,
A swipe of the sword swimming in spells,
And if she lived, through this day,
She would always keep a sword at bay,
But if it was given, the fatal blow,
She herself would never know,
If the enemy prevails

The spell was cast, but would it hold,
The enemy in its spear of gold,

That's a question and deserves a question mark; not a comma.

A swipe of the sword swimming in spells,

That's the only line in this stanza that seems out of place. Again, it's too many syllables upsetting the rhythm.

Blood was needed for the final spell,
But how would Orannis dwell,
Hidden in its spear of gold,
Would Lirael’s magic hold?
A far away, distant dream,
Of being home, safe, and clean
But here fighting the greater dead,
He did not let his sadness spread,
Regaining courage, he ran at speed,
As though he was a mighty steed,
But if he received the fatal blow,
He would never ever know,
If the enemy prevails

Blood was needed for the final spell,

Why? Also, too many syllables.

But how would Orannis dwell,
Hidden in its spear of gold,

Needs a question mark.

As though he was a mighty steed,

As though he were a mighty steed.

But if he received the fatal blow,
He would never ever know,
If the enemy prevails

Two things: firstly, that's a question and requires appropriate punctuation and the second quoted line jars the rhythm. To keep the question running, and within the rhythm, I'd suggest how would he ever know....

Overall, it's a fun little poem. I think an introduction to the three verses - even if just a set of couplets - would help readers to understand the characters.

I still want to know who the hell the enemy is, though. For an unnamed evil, I can only assume the Devil. Keep working on it.

* Just thought I'd include the poem, Lord Randall mentioned above.

Lord Randall

Anonymous

"Oh where ha'e ye been, Lord Randall my son?

O where ha'e ye been, my handsome young man?"

"I ha'e been to the wild wood: mother, make my bed soon,

For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"Where gat ye your dinner, Lord Randall my son?

Where gat ye your dinner, my handsome young man?"

"I dined wi' my true love; mother, make my bed soon,

For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"What gat ye to your dinner, Lord Randall my son?

What gat ye to your dinner, my handsome young man?"

"I gat eels boiled in broo: mother, make my bed soon,

For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"What became of your bloodhounds, Lord Randall my son?

What became of your bloodhounds, my handsome young man?"

"O they swelled and they died: mother, make my bed soon,

for I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"O I fear ye are poisoned, Lord Randall my son!

O I fear ye are poisoned, my handsome young man!"

"O yes, I am poisoned: mother, make my bed soon,

For I'm sick at the heart, and I fain wald lie down."

[Wabbit]

Jello-o!!!

In case you had not noticed: This part of the forum is called Writers Showcase and not Please critique my poem to death.

I think it takes a lot of guts for somebody to show their work to other people. Me, personally, I don't care. Anybody can say what they like. If they like my work, GREAT! If they don't then... oh well, it's no problem

Some people, in fact most, are a lot more sensitive than that. Maybe this poem is their first EVER peom and you have just scared them from ever writing again.

Now, im sure that is not your intention. Maybe it is not even the case and they don't care. BUT, maybe you should actually ASK before you tear somebody's poem or story apart.

Maybe im way outta here in another universe ( on planet goat ) ... No idea.

But... Just a thought

Regards
SillyWabbit

[Stewart]

Originally Posted by SillyWabbit

In case you had not noticed: This part of the forum is called Writers Showcase and not Please critique my poem to death.

Okay, we'll just give everyone a pat on the back for posting.

Some people, in fact most, are a lot more sensitive than that. Maybe this poem is their first EVER peom and you have just scared them from ever writing again.

Then that would just demonstrate the weakness of commitment.

Now, im sure that is not your intention.

Of course it's not, I just don't want to make a post after a piece that, like most, say "nice work, I liked it" which means nothing. It's either a quote for people who are too nice (without being encouraging) or those with nothing to say.

[Wabbit]

I think your wrong.

I liked it does not mean nothing. It means, well, I liked it. What's wrong with that?

I'm not too nice. Trust me on that
I have lots to say. you might have noticed.

There's nothing wrong with saying "I liked it" Of coarse there is nothing wrong with saying "I don't like it" All I am saying is this thread is called "writers SHOWCASE" Not "Please rip my work to bits Mile-o because you personally happen not to like it."

Go ahead and comment on my work, that's find Like I said, I personally don't care. Others might. You need to be more considerate. Don't give me the argument that because they posted it here you have the right to rip it to bits, coz you don't. As I stated, it's called "writers showcase."

If they ASK for the work to be critiqued or you ask them and they say it's fine. OK. If not then...


Regards
SillyWabbit

[Stewart]

Originally Posted by SillyWabbit

I think your wrong.

Fair enough.

I liked it does not mean nothing. It means, well, I liked it. What's wrong with that?

It's nice for the author/poet to know why it was liked or not.

[Litany]

If you post your work surely that in itself is opening it up to criticism? The good as well as the bad. They're equally important if one hopes to progress as an author. There are ways to criticise a person's work while still letting that person know that what they've achieved is valid and worthwhile.

I also think that just saying 'I liked it' is perfectly valid. Sometimes you do just like a thing without knowing why. Who wants to overanalyse why a flower is a thing of beauty or why chocolate is so damned tasty? Sometimes you can put your finger on exactly what it is that you liked, but sometimes it's just too elusive and all you know is that you thought it was good.

Personally, I'm just avoiding commenting on the work I don't like. It seems easier than putting up with the negative comments from others who can't cope with the fact that not everyone likes the same things.

Anyhoo, sorry to go off topic, and I didn't read the poem as I've never read the books. Soz.

[Wabbit]

I don't agree with the bit about if you post here you are open season to be critiqued. That's like saying if anybody in the media, IE actors and such are open season to be followed about and their every move watched and reported. The logic is flawed. The reason for showing your work here? Same as publishing a book. Because , one would hope its not money, you want to tell a story. You have something to say. You want to produce something beautiful. Did Dan Brown write Da Vinci code so you could critique it? NO, he wrote it coz he had a story to tell. Basically, to entertain. The point is NOT to be critiqued.

Also, as stated twice before the tread is called "writers showcase" by its very name its a place to showcase your work, not have it critiqued. Me, I don't mind and welcome my work to be critiqued. Somtimes I will agree and sometimes I won't. All I am saying is others might not think the same and it would be nice if you could actually ASK them.

Well, I have had my say, I will leave it there I am not making this argument for me. Like I said, I don't care at all but others might. This is a thread for showcasing your work. To write a poem or a story others on this forum may enjoy. Not to have it ripped to death by the knife of critique.

Not EVERYTHING has to be analysied. Not everything needs to be critiqued. And just because you think so, jell-o, dose not mean it's written badly or wrong.

Personally, If I like something here I will say so. I might say why and I might not. If I don't like something then I prefer to say nothing. Who the hell am I to tell somebody their work is crap? Anyway, it's all down to personal preference. There is no right or wrong.

And... there is no spoon. Sorry. had to say that

Regards
SillyWabbit

Regards
SillyWabbit

[Litany]

If all you want to hear are good things when you publish your work, then you can really only show it to the most polite of your friends. If you expect to hear only good things, then you're deluded.

When you send your work off to be published part of the processed is that you get edited. It's a fact of life. And if you make a few grammatical errors, so what? You don't always noticed when you make a mistake, and better to be corrected early on than to constantly reproduce the error and have everyone reading it think 'What an idiot, they've got terrible grammar.' yet have none of them tell you the truth.

When you publish your work you open it up to the public. They can say what they like. It's like making a film. There's no unwritten law that says everyone has to like it, or only say nice things about it. And if no one is allowed to make suggestions, or explain why they don't like a certain piece of work then the author remains closed and unaware of so many possibilities. If you can't cope with criticism then you need to make it quite clear in your post that you don't want to hear any, but I can't help but feel that that would completely defeat the purpose of posting your work in the first place.

And isn't it a little cruel also, not to tell the truth? If everyone says they like a piece, when the piece is truly flawed, the person who wrote it starts to think it's fantastic when really they're being set up for an even bigger fall when they send it off to some less than polite publishers.

And I need to say at this point to Abhorsen, that my above comments are nothing to do with your work. As I say, I didn't read your poem, so I don't know if I like it or not.

[Stewart]

I have to say that I never say that I do or don't like anything. I go through the piece systematically pointing out errors, and trying to explain why I thought something worked or didn't (if it's prose then a specific word may be vague or be ambiguous; if it's poetry then a single syllable may upset the rhythm) because if I didn't, as Litany says, they beging to think they're work is fantastic when it is fundamentally flawed.

Not EVERYTHING has to be analysied. Not everything needs to be critiqued. And just because you think so, jell-o, dose not mean it's written badly or wrong.

If somebody wants to be good at what they do (even if, primarily, they say "it's for them") then I don't see anything wrong, as a reader, with saying why something works or does not work. If they can't take the critique then they shouldn't post it. If it's a "Showcase" then the verb "showcase" means to display prominently. When something is put on display then it's open season. If this were not allowed then:

• what would the media write about should there be an awards ceremony? They couldn't possibly not commend or slate prominent celebrities for their choice of dresses. Incidentally, some films must triumph over others.
• How would we decide who won the Turner Prize, the Whitbread Prize, the Booker Prize, etc ? We couldn't say Well, I liked them all; they should all win!
• How would one unpublished author potentially get published while another doesn't?

If someone wants to write for themself then they shouldn't showcase it. It's no longer for themself.

Maybe a moderator should split these comments from the thread into a new one (A Need for Critique ) so that Abhorsen doesn't get the wrong impression.

[Martin]

Not butting in - this is not my discussion - but I felt the need to tell you (everyone concerned, that is), that Abhorsen has not been back.

Not implying anything, I'm just saying.

Cheers, Martin

[Stewart]

Yes, I'd noticed. Thing is, for a forum with almost 2,000 members there seems to be only about 20-25 active users overall. If someone else posts once and leaves then it's no surprise. I've only been a member here for a couple of months and I haven't done enough critique to drive that many members away.

[phil_t]

Well ... i dunno Mile-O, you're trying hard

Actually, much to my chagrin, im gonna be forced to disagree with you Wabbit, even to the point of agreeing with Mile-O (someone say its not so!!!) :( As long as the comments can be regarded as constructive criticism rather than destructive, i dont see why you should hold back on discussing works that are posted in the forum.

If you say "this is a piece of <insert suitable expletive>" then clearly thats pointless and offensive, but if you offer critique .... well, thats ok in my opinion - if you cant take it, dont post it.

Phil the Turncoat

[Wabbit]

You don't agree with me? That's it, let loose the attack badgers lol

But seriously, I think my point is being missed here

All I am trying to say is, maybe that person should be asked before their work is taken apart?

It's all I am saying...

Plus, there is a way to do it and a way not. I think maybe going a little lighter. Just a "I did not like it because this and this" would be fine. Instead of an entire page of why your work sucks. Like I said, some people are very sensitive.

Regards
SillyWabbit

[Martin]

Originally Posted by Mile-O-Phile

I don't know why but this reminded me of Lord Randall (Anon.) *

Maybe it was the repetition at the end of each stanza or the ode-like qualities it possesses.

The biggest problem (outwith the poem itself) is that I have no idea who Garth Nix is and therefore I don't know his characters. So, as a layperson reading it I don't know the characters. Is the Abhorsen a tribe, a monster, a nickname? A few couplets, maybe, would be recommended to introduce these characters.

Let's start, naturally, with the first stanza:

I'm curious to know why they are seeking an enemy if they are afraid of him and why they "must" fight against him.

These three lines are a tad weak and seem cliched. The first line quoted also has too many syllables with respect to the other lines around it which through off the rhythm. I get the impression that these people are marching towards their doom. Choosing the right words should represent this impending end and, with your words, you have captured - and given the impression - that these people are pathetic with "stumbling". The rhythm, however, doesn't feel like a march at all.

The problem with this part is that the previous lines have been in the present tense and changes to past tense, which takes the lines out of context. It doesn't feel right. If you change the tense to fit with the rest of the stanza then you'll also be able to alter the last line to match that of the other two stanzas.

The last line of each stanza is good. Reminds me of drinking songs, etc.

That's a question and deserves a question mark; not a comma.

That's the only line in this stanza that seems out of place. Again, it's too many syllables upsetting the rhythm.

Why? Also, too many syllables.

Needs a question mark.

As though he were a mighty steed.

Two things: firstly, that's a question and requires appropriate punctuation and the second quoted line jars the rhythm. To keep the question running, and within the rhythm, I'd suggest how would he ever know....

Overall, it's a fun little poem. I think an introduction to the three verses - even if just a set of couplets - would help readers to understand the characters.

I still want to know who the hell the enemy is, though. For an unnamed evil, I can only assume the Devil. Keep working on it.

Okay, now it is my discussion. Read the above?

Destructive enough for 'ya?!

Anyway, I agree with both. I can see Wabbit's point about the post I quoted above. Mile took it apart sentence by sentence - maybe rightfully so, I don't know, but that's not my point - and if you read criticism like that, well, you're not exactly encouraged to post some other work.

That said, I do think that, when you post some of your work here, that you should expect some criticism, simply because not everybody is gonna like it. There are limits, though.

Cheers, Martin