Opinions?

Hey, I was hoping I could get some opinions on writing style before I go completely crazy.

1.
"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan." Jordan says. He extends his hand. Sarah looks at him awkwardly.
"Um, I'm busy." She replies, pushing away his hand. Jordan feels crushed.

2.
"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan." Jordan said. He extended his hand. Sarah looked at him awkwardly.
"Um, I'm busy." She replied, and pushed away his hand. Jordan felt crushed.


Thanks,
Daniel

Remove 'awkwardly' as it's an awkward adverb

And replace the 'Jordan ... crushed' part with some look on his face to show this, rather than tell us.

Either tense is fine - go with which you feel comfortable.

Stewart said:

Remove 'awkwardly' as it's an awkward adverb

And replace the 'Jordan ... crushed' part with some look on his face to show this, rather than tell us.

Either tense is fine - go with which you feel comfortable.

Click to expand...

I agree, and wonder if it would also be possible to have Jordan experience the physical effects of this humilation he's feeling? You know, the hot flush that shoots up or down the spine, the sinking sensation in the belly?

Daniel_Infinity said:

"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan." Jordan says.

Click to expand...

"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan," Jordan says.

or

"Hi Sarah. I'm Jordan," Jordan says...

or

"Hi Sarah," Jordan says, "I'm Jordan."

or

[ Any mix of the above, as long as the punctuation works out ]

"Um, I'm busy." She replies, pushing away his hand

Click to expand...

"Um, I'm busy," she replies, pushing away his hand.

"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan." Jordan said.

Click to expand...

"Hi Sarah, I'm Jordan," Jordan said.

"Um, I'm busy." She replied, and pushed away his hand

Click to expand...

"Um, I'm busy," she replied, and pushed away his hand.

Thanks everyone!

Steward said:

Either tense is fine - go with which you feel comfortable.

Click to expand...

That is basically what I needed to know, thanks!
The thing is I wasn't feeling too good with the tense I was using and *sigh,* I went over the entire first part of my book editing 'said,' with 'says,' and etc, losing about six thousand characters but in adding the description to make it sound right gaining one thousand words.