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funniest lines in a book

kuroc

kuroc

New Member
I want people to post funny lines from books in this topic.

From There will be dragons by John Ringo.
("It's like: Hey, it's the end of the world. We can get Herzer laid now!"):D :D :D
 
From What Is Goth? by Voltaire:

"Mistress Batty is such a whore. She's slept with every Goth guy in our scene--both of them!"

When I dig some of my books up, I'll put some more on here...
 
'now, i'm going to do something extremely stupid and dangerous"
'since when is that newsworthy enough to announce?"

'what did i do?"
"do you want the whole list, or just the most recent and relevant bits?"

-Webmage, by kelly mccullough

i'm compiling a whole list right now of funny quotes from books,movies, and life, so i'll post more later
 
They stepped outside into the ruddy glow of dusk, on a rocky bluff high above the river. "We're outside the castle," Ned said. "You are a hard man to fool, Stark," Littlefinger said with a smirk. "Was it the sun that gave it away, or the sky? Follow me. There are niches cut in the rock. Try not to fall to your death. Catelyn would never understand.
A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

"These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate best-seller of all time!" Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail!" "I was referring to the Bible." Faukman cringed. "I knew that."
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

It captured three very long hours. If you want to know why, it is because Grandfather is Grandfather first and a driver second. He made us lost often and became on his nerves. I had to translate his anger into useful information for the hero. "F**k," Grandfather said. I said, "He says if you look at the statues, you can see that some no longer endure. These are where communist statues used to be." "F**king f**k, f**k!" Grandfather shouted. "Oh," I said. "He wants you to know that that building, that building and that building are all important." "Why?" the hero inquired. "F**k!" Grandfather said. "He cannot remember," I said.
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

More later after I dig them out.
 
"they hung in the air, exactly the way bricks don't."
douglas adams, hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.
 
staceass said:
"they hung in the air, exactly the way bricks don't."
douglas adams, hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.
Click to expand...

There are so many from the series I could quote! But I'll only add one more:

"'Ford', he said, 'You're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"

:D

Here's something from Iain Banks' Walking on Glass:

"'A tree house?' Graham teased back. 'Wasn't that a bit bunch?' Slater replied tartly: 'I was being Jane, sweetie, not Tarzan.'"

I really should write down more of the funny quotes I find. :rolleyes:
 
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?

Dread Pirate Roberts: Yes.

Vizzini: Morons.
 
While I can't name one paticular line, Clevinger's trial in Catch-22 probably contains my favourite.
 
I will also put a vote in for "Hitchiker's", and also for "Dirk Gently's...":

"He believed in a door. He must find that door. The door was the way to... to...
The Door was The Way.
Good.
Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to."

I'll also post more as I dig them up.
 
Oh, I forgot another Iain Banks line from The Crow Road which I love. I must say it has been one of the most unexpected opening lines of a book for me yet. ;)

"It was the day my grandmother exploded."

*giggles*

I am easily amused. :rolleyes:
 
Note for Americans and other aliens : Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Brittons find this amusing.

(...)


Take all that stuff with the inverted crosses and pentagrams and cockerels. It mystified most demons. It wasn't the least bit necessary. All you needed to become a satanist was an effort of will. You could be one all your life without ever knowing what a pentagram was, without ever seeing a dead cockerel other than as Chicken Marengo.


Good Omens, Pratchett & Gaiman :)
 
I agree that the Hitch Hikers... series has some of the funniest lines in literature.

My personal favourite is when Ford asks the Vogon guard whether he likes his job and he replies something like:

Well, the hours are good, but come to think about it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy.

Roddy Doyle has some classic laugh out loud lines in his trilogy - can't think of any offhand.
 
Libre said:
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?

Dread Pirate Roberts: Yes.

Vizzini: Morons.
Click to expand...
I like that one! (I haven't read the book, but the movie was the awesomest among the awesome!)

From the same movie:

Vezzini: Inconcievable!

The Giant: You keep saying that. I don't think it means what you think it means.
 
Had a passage from Catch 22 in mind. But I suppose this will have to do till I get another copy of that book:eek: ...

1. Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff
2. Q: What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
A: Doug
3. Q: What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
A: Douglas
4. Q: What do you call an Irishman who has been buried for 15 years?
A: Pete
5. Q: What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?
A: Warren

Come back, Oscar Wilde. Your country needs you.

From The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole.

Okay... can someone please explain the fourth one to me?? I can't figure it out and it's driving me nuts!
 
Funnies...

Sybil: 'I feel smirched and unclean, as though slimy things have been crawling all over me.'
Elyot: 'Maybe they have, that's a very old chair.'

(Noel Coward - Private Lives)

'And soddenly anon, Damyan gan pullen up hir smock, and in he throng'

(Chaucer - Canterbury Tales)
 
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