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Lyrec: Chapter 1

fleuretta

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My first major novel. I have five chapters so far, but here is the first, as a preview. Tell me what you think.

Chapter 1

Lyrec lay on the yellowing grass in the forest clearing, her head resting on her arm. A cool breeze briefly fluttered across her hot, sweat-covered face, relaxing her. Breathing deeply, the cold air calmed her from within. She picked a battered daisy from the worn ground and began twirling it between her dirty, yet delicate fingers. This was the first proper rest she had had in a long time, with no worries of approaching foes. It was quiet here. Too quiet. Only the wind moved around them all, whispering through the trees. Lyrec looked over to Ycul, her Pad, who stood nearby. He was scratching at the hard earth, his every sense alert and ready for a quick retreat. Rasha was close, sitting casually, her bronze eyes watching Ycul’s every movement. Rasha’s Rider, Tatam, was leant against a tree, his eyes drooping lazily. Lyrec glanced at him awhile, watching his long dark hair swishing about his face as the breeze caught it. He was twisting a dried browning leaf around in the air, watching it rise and fall as he cast it about with his mind. His bright sky eyes darted upwards and caught Lyrec’s dark ones. Lyrec bashfully turned away and stared at the clouded sky above her. Her mind flooded with her thoughts, clogging her head in the same way the clouds were to the sky. Was she really the one? Was it really her who had to save the world from the Fire Maiden, whoever she was? Lyrec could remember the words of the elder as he had spoken the prophecy.
“This girl,” he had said, clutching at her small shoulders, “she is as the prophecy tells. She will save us from the evils ahead.” The whole crowd had cheered. None of them knew of what evils he was speaking of at the time, but any saviour was better than none at all, even if it was only a child. Now, ten years on from that moment, Lyrec came to the realisation, that she may not be the chosen one after all. It may be another. The prophecy must have been wrong. Closing her heavy eyelids, Lyrec vowed that even if she was not the one, she would find the one who was. She would save the world by finding the saviour.

10 years earlier…

The sky was clear and bright, the sun beaming down on the nourishing earth. Lyrec was viewing the blue from where she lay in the gold of the wheat field, nestled amongst the stalks, alone. That was how she liked it. It was so quiet and peaceful. She could only hear a few sounds. The chirrup of green grasshoppers as they jumped through the long grass, the far off call of birds meeting in the air, the wind whispering its secrets to the land. Lyrec felt she could stay forever; alone, quiet, content. Her dream shattered as she heard a far off voice, calling her.
“Lee? Lee? Where are you?” Lyrec recognised it as her younger sister’s voice. She could tell that she had not entered the field. There was no recognisable swish of wheat against legs. Kneeling up, she peered over the long stalks. Her sister was standing on the other side of the fence, the fence that cut their home off from the rest of the world. At one end, the fence was gradually subsiding, from where Lyrec had jumped it so many times. Finally standing, she called back to her sister.
“What is it Hara? I’m busy.”
“Busy? You call lying around in a field busy? You are weird, Lee.”
“Well, what is it you wanted? You don’t call someone for no reason.”
“Mama wants you. She told me you’d be out here.” Lyrec sighed and began walking through the wheat, her hands brushing over it. Hara continued to wait at the fence, staring at Lyrec. Hara, to Lyrec’s annoyance, was very much a ‘home-girl’. In other words, she couldn’t imagine being anywhere but in that house, forever running errands for their mother. Hara would never cross the fence. That was something that only Lyrec did. She had tried to persuade Hara before, but given up many a time. Finally getting to the fence, Lyrec hopped over it. Hara didn’t move. Lyrec swept past her, casually pacing down the worn path that passed the chicken coop. A path that had been created by her own footsteps time after time.
“What did mother want with me?”
“About the ceremony I think.” Lyrec merely nodded. This was not news to her. Every five years, the townsfolk got together on the green in the centre of the small town, and got chosen to be Riders. It was something that had happened every five years, long before anyone could remember. The Pads came to the town and chose who they wanted from the people to be their riders. The last time there had been a ceremony, Lyrec had been six and Hara, three, so there was little recollection from either of them.
Entering the house, Lyrec knew immediately where her mother was from the fragrant smell of baking bread that was wafting about. They both walked to the large kitchen. Their mother was there, taking freshly cooked bread from the oven. There were already three loaves laid out on the table, each one steaming. Sitting at the table on an old wooden stool, Lyrec waited for her mother to finish. It was well known in their home, that even if mother needed someone, she didn’t need them until she was done.
“Out in the field again were you?” her mother said, as she placed the loaf on the table, “you know that the farmer will catch you one of these days.”
“Yes he may, but I’ll run fast.” Lyrec caught her mother’s genuine smile. Lyrec continued.
“So, you called me in about the ceremony?” Hara was still hovering in the doorway.
“Yes. I just wondered if you wanted to go. It may be a little bit boring for you, so you don’t have to. Hara has already made her decision.” She was rubbing her hands together, flour trickling from them to the floor.
“I think I want to check to see if Aira is going first. If I do go, I don’t want to be on my own.” Her mother nodded.
“I suppose you’ll be off again now? Straight down to Aira’s house.”
“If you don’t mind. I haven’t seen her since school ended for the summer anyway.”
“Well, off you go then. Be off with you.” Lyrec giggled as her mother waved her floury hands at her, shooing her from the room. Hara had already left the doorway.
As Lyrec walked from the kitchen, her head down, she did not see her father, who was pacing with a book in his hand, obviously in deep thought. With neither seeing the other, they collided. Lyrec’s father was a mysterious being, very often quiet and thoughtful. However, he had an easy temper, which very often appeared only to Lyrec. Lyrec knew that this was one of those moments. As Lyrec regained her balance, she kept her eyes down from her father, knowing that at any second he would shout at her. However, the shouting never came. Lyrec looked up at her father, who was stood across the room from her. He had picked up his book and was now just staring at Lyrec. His golden miniature pocket watch hung on its thick chain around his neck, like it always did. She stared at it as it tumbled beneath the folds of his shirt. Lyrec’s father forbid anyone from touching it other than himself. And it was for this reason that made Lyrec want to hold it, to feel the cold weight of it in her hand. It was fairly old, she knew that, and had been passed down generation by generation. Lyrec feared that this time, it would not be passed down at all. Her father thought she was far too dreamy and nonsensical. Looking up into her father’s dark eyes, she saw his deep furrowed brow, but he did not say a word. He soon moved away and into the kitchen, where Lyrec could hear him talking to her mother.
“Essa, you ought to teach that girl to look where she’s going.” Lyrec could tell her mother was not at all worried by his sudden temper.
“I’ve tried to Dear, but she will keep walking around in a dream. A bit like a certain man I know.” There was a grumble from Lyrec’s father and the wail of wood against tiles as a chair was drawn out.
Lyrec left the hallway. She had someone to see.
 
This is good. I like the way you bring in the Fire Maiden early, but the rest is pretty tame. I prefer a slam-bang opening that hooks the reader. Other than that, no crits.

Hope that helps,

JohnB
 
I agree that first chapters should grab the reader. But I have changed this because so much happens later on that it needs a tame first chapter. And it is not so boring that it deters readers from reading it.
 
Sorry Flueretta, doesn't grab me I'm afraid. If I picked this up I'd put it straight back down. It's too mundane and disjointed. A lot of new words are introdued too early which serve to confuse rather than intrigue.

Why break the narrative the way you do? Therre are much more effective and less intrusive ways of letting a reader know an event is a flashback then simply inserting a line.

Why would people cheer for a saviour if they didn't need saving from anything?

also a lot of use of the word sky.
 
Having re-read my work, I have found that yes, I have used the word 'sky' quite a bit, but have not overused it. I cannot use other names for it, because they would appear out of place.

Your point on the saviour is a good one.. I guess I hadn't thought that out fully.
And on breaking the narrative, I may change that too.

I know it has a lot of random new words in there, but this has been re-written. The first attempt was full of meanings and information, and in the end I decided to delete it all and let the reader find out as they go along, since the whole thing looked like a textbook. I may, however, change the first chapter just a little bit, to make way for more knowledge and an ability to understand the chapter better. Although I still think that it would be more fun for the reader to discover what 'Pads' are and who the different characters are for themselves. Perhaps I should add in the second chapter, which might help you to understand what I am saying.

Perhaps you could suggest to me how I would make the introduction to this tale more intrigueing without ruining the entire plot by bringing it all to light too early?
 
Having re-read my work, I have found that yes, I have used the word 'sky' quite a bit, but have not overused it. I cannot use other names for it, because they would appear out of place. ?
Fair enough - just something that jumped out at me.

I know it has a lot of random new words in there, but this has been re-written. ?
Just once? - be prepared for a long hard slog of re-writes if you really want to get published.:eek:

The first attempt was full of meanings and information, and in the end I decided to delete it all and let the reader find out as they go along, since the whole thing looked like a textbook. I may, however, change the first chapter just a little bit, to make way for more knowledge and an ability to understand the chapter better. Although I still think that it would be more fun for the reader to discover what 'Pads' are and who the different characters are for themselves. Perhaps I should add in the second chapter, which might help you to understand what I am saying. ?

Can you perhaps introduce the concepts more slowly over the course of the book - remeber this is only a cocplf of paragraphs - you have plenty of space left.

Perhaps you could suggest to me how I would make the introduction to this tale more intrigueing without ruining the entire plot by bringing it all to light too early?
Ouch - let me have another look through - bu please remember these are only my opinions I have never had anything published nor any formal training in creative writing - I'm a reader and I know what works for me - it's not some universal rule book so happy to contribute but proceed with caution and seek other opinions from those more knowledgeable than me!
 
Thankyou for your comments yet again. I think I may have been a little bit harsh, which I am sorry for.

When I said I had re-written it, I meant more than once. I have edited it up to 5 or 6 times, very often scrapping the whole thing and starting from scratch.

You have said that I could introduce the concepts more slowly. Isn't that what I was saying all along? I know you may mean that I have brought too much of the new things in too early, which I entirely understand.

As for these points being your own opinions, I know that. But as a fellow reader, I know that a readers eye is sometimes better than any other judge.

Perhaps I should give a few hints in the first chapter which might suggest something later on? Although actually, there are already quite a few in it. They are very subtle, but will become more apparent later on in the tale. One is the watch. This is something I added in much later. It may just appear as a pointless piece of writing, but is actually a very important part, although it doesn't seem so yet.

Chapter 2?

Thank you again.
 
No offence taken and no offence meant in the feedback. :)

I take my hat off to anyone who posts their work publicly and you're obviously enthusiatic and well grounded enough to look at your own work with a critical eye. All too often people post their work or ask for opinions and get all defensive and huffy when they get a single bit of negative feedback or suggestion as though they expect it to be thebest thing ever written as soon as they've put their pen down.
 
people who think they have written the best there is on their first try, is a complete idiot. There is no point posting your work, if you can't take criticisms.

I thank you again for your opinions on my work, which has been edited, yet again. I do know what is good in my mind, but sometimes it takes a second opinion to get the best out of your work.

I may be uploading Chapter 1 again soon, to show the changes and whether anyone thinks it is better or not.
 
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