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The Life of a Colonial Fugitive

L

Leonardo Noto

Member
Greetings,

I am a military physician who recently returned from deployment with my first completed novel, The Life of a Colonial Fugitive. My story is based in the American Revoluation and it explores the transformation of a young soldier who is falsely accused of a war crime and forced to flee The Colonies. Below is a sample of the first chapter. I look forward to hearing feedback on my work, which is available on both Kindle and Nook.

Sincerely,
Leonardo Noto

CHAPTER 1:
A Warrior’s Reminiscence

June 1783: The blazing orange, tropical sun creeps above the rattan-studded horizon to announce the dawn of another sweltering day in the tropical paradise of Phuket, Siam. The gentle ocean breeze wafts the smell of decaying flesh into my nares as I survey the carnage of the past two days fight from my jungle concealment. Less than a yard away, the dark skin of a dying enemy soldier is covered in vicious red ants that slowly eat him alive as he bellows out in pain-laden death throes. I climb out from my hiding and walk across the sandy beach to ask the dying man in the Siamese tongue if he would like for me to speed the end of his life. The dying soldier is too weakened for speech, barely managing a slight, affirmative nod of head. I unsheathe my sword and run the man thru his heart, stepping back respectfully as the blood gushes from the jagged wound that I have inflicted upon his chest. As I watch the life drain from the young man’s sad face, I find myself reminiscing on the first time I gazed into a pair of youthful eyes prematurely aged by the horrors of war.
 
I'm not big on doubled adjectives, or adjectives in front of (nearly) every noun. Some sentences seem overly explanatory or too wordy, but, on the whole, good narrative so far. Your writing is clear and convincing and I'd be willing to read further to see where the story goes.
 
Dunno man, unless you do some amazing handwaving I find it difficult to believe that a Colonial soldier would end up in Siam and be able to speak the local language.
 
Thanks for the feedback

Thanks for the feedback everyone. To answer the question about how my character ends up in Siam, it's because he's forced to flee the country after being falsely accused of a war crime. Anyway, appreciate the feedback, good and bad.

Leonardo Noto
 
I like this. It is brutal, honest, and well-written!

The better you write the more your fellow writers will hate you! I think they are jealous!

But have a nice day everyone anyway!
 
Thanks for the feedback

Again, thank you all for the feedback, both the positive and the negative. This book is intentionally written in an archaic fashion, as an 18th century Virginian aristocrat might write, and I know that some may find it overdone. I'll be posting some of my other writings, writings penned in contemporary times, in the future and I'll look forward to the feedback on them as well. For those wondering how in the hell a colonial soldier ends up in Siam, read on. Basically, I'm very into mixed martial arts and I was spending a few weeks in a muay Thai camp in Thailand. I spent my nights, when I wasn't training, reading about Thailand and I noticed that Thai history was quite turbulent during the years of the American Revolution. I had been thinking of writing a book about a soldier in the Revolutionary War for some time and an idea hit me that perhaps my soldier could flee the colonies, join a mercenary regiment, and end up in Thailand (Siam).

Anyway,
Leonardo Noto
Author: The Life of a Colonial Fugitive.
 
Leonardo Noto said:
Greetings,

I am a military physician who recently returned from deployment with my first completed novel, The Life of a Colonial Fugitive. My story is based in the American Revoluation and it explores the transformation of a young soldier who is falsely accused of a war crime and forced to flee The Colonies. Below is a sample of the first chapter. I look forward to hearing feedback on my work, which is available on both Kindle and Nook.

Sincerely,
Leonardo Noto

CHAPTER 1:
A Warrior’s Reminiscence

June 1783: The blazing orange, tropical sun creeps above the rattan-studded horizon to announce the dawn of another sweltering day in the tropical paradise of Phuket, Siam. The gentle ocean breeze wafts the smell of decaying flesh into my nares as I survey the carnage of the past two days fight from my jungle concealment. Less than a yard away, the dark skin of a dying enemy soldier is covered in vicious red ants that slowly eat him alive as he bellows out in pain-laden death throes. I climb out from my hiding and walk across the sandy beach to ask the dying man in the Siamese tongue if he would like for me to speed the end of his life. The dying soldier is too weakened for speech, barely managing a slight, affirmative nod of head. I unsheathe my sword and run the man thru his heart, stepping back respectfully as the blood gushes from the jagged wound that I have inflicted upon his chest. As I watch the life drain from the young man’s sad face, I find myself reminiscing on the first time I gazed into a pair of youthful eyes prematurely aged by the horrors of war.
Click to expand...

Wow that was good. Nice intro. I actually like how descriptive you are of the setting, and you're direct with the viewpoint character.
 
storyline notes

describing a brutal encounter that gets graphic only works ( in my opinion ) better with a long winding lead up.


that's why horror movies work the way they do; you never see someone get hacked to pieces in the opening credits.


your story practically describes something drastically bad in the first lines which ( if you're trying to entice as broad an audience of readers as possible ) won't attract many people's interest.


they'll say ( like I do ) it's good material if you want to put it in Fangoria Magazine; not exactly the kind of stuff I'd want to read in a creative writing forum.


but that's me.
 
KDP Select

Well, love it or hate it, now you can read The Life of a Colonial Fugitive free of charge if you own a Kindle :whistling: Check it out if you're looking for something to read, guys and gals.

Leonardo Noto
 
I've done the same and two of my books, Necessary Evil and The Prisoners of gender are free at Kindle today and tomorrow. I'll be posting my feelings about the experiment on the forum as it goes on.

JohnB
 
I disagree with manuscriptx. The bluntness, mixed with the narrative style, is what somehow makes this piece work. The piece just works.

There is no correct formula. The piece either works or not.

Of course manuscriptx is entitled to his/her own opinion.
 
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