my want-to-be-poem!

hi guys, i really need your help, i lost in my own want- to- be- poem!
here it comes and my biggest problem are line 7 and 8, 9 and 10 and 15!
it sound awful, but i tried to say something powerful, i'm almost apologizing to my want-to-be-poem, because it should be something beautiful, but i kind of have to turn it into something "beautiful"!

Paradise

I want to fly away, to a beautiful place
Nobody's there, nothing to praise
All i will see
is eternity.
Nothing is there, nothing to say
to a world of bloody pray.
All i will think
is bloody shrink.
Who created this thing
called world, i think.
There's death and there's rotting
but we all just keep forgetting.
Just open your eyes
quit telling lies.
All we need to do, is act
against the devils pact.

i want to thank everybody, who thinks about it.
bye

honeydevil,

O, your language difference makes it so hard to find the meaning of your poem. I was really surprised that you could say anything at all about mine, given that most people who speak English as a first language feel strange commenting about English-language poetry. That is such an intriguing difference!

follow your dreams, honeydevil. that's the key. do you think I became an artist by sitting around hoping for the thing I wished to want? no, that would've been too easy. I got the best of both worlds. I worked my ass off and I commanded the respect of critics. before I was a complete zero. well, now you can multiply that zero by a hundred.

bobbyburns said:

well, now you can multiply that zero by a hundred.

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So, its still a zero!
No offence meant, bobbyburns. Either it was deliberate, or you overlooked it.
You probably meant 'add hundred to that zero'

A good one! Honeydevil. (It makes sense, to me, at least.)

cheers.

honeydevil said:

Paradise

I want to fly away, to a beautiful place
Nobody's there, nothing to praise
All i will see
is eternity.
Nothing is there, nothing to say
to a world of bloody pray.
All i will think
is bloody shrink.
Who created this thing
called world, i think.
There's death and there's rotting
but we all just keep forgetting.
Just open your eyes
quit telling lies.
All we need to do, is act
against the devils pact.

Click to expand...

Despite the title of the poem, the body of it isn't about the "beautiful place" mentioned in line 1...it's about really the opposite. I suppose the title could be ironic, but since you did mention the existence of that other place at the start of the poem, I kept expecting to hear more about it the entire length of it.

Overall, I think you're handicapping yourself with your rhyme-scheme. But chosing to rhyme the poem, you do succeed in making a few excellently balanced statements ("All I will see/is eternity") but you also impart a Dr. Seuss singsongy nature to some lines ("Who created this thing/called world, I think") and in some cases, it seems you've really sacrificed a lot of meaning (Lines 6 and 8)--not metaphysical meaning, but actual denotative understanding of what you're saying.

When I read the poem, I really sense the raw emotions behind it, hope to despair to hope again, but the words sometimes interfere with that, and I really think the reason they do is becuase you've limited yourself by making it a rhymed poem with short lines--every choice you make impacts the next line a lot in a setup like that. Increasing the length of the lines, or dropping the rhyme, might help the poem out a lot. The poem exists, I can taste it, but it's hidden beneath the words.

Sanyuja - Good point! One million ! With the extrapolation.

Acolyte - forgets bobbys rule over all things.

Geenh said:

Sanyuja - Good point!

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Thanks Geenh!

Geenh said:

Sanyuja - Good point! One million ! With the extrapolation.

Acolyte - forgets bobbys rule over all things.

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are you sure he rules and not just thinks it? i'm always confused about that one...

I, too, was expecting to hear some more about the "paradise" mentioned at the beginning. Have you thought about adding a second stanza describing the paradise? It would seem all the more a paradise when in contrast to the first stanza.

I think it's good. Anyway how can you ask people to help you write something so personal? Isn't it supposed to be your idea of paradise or whateve's beautiful to you?

RIKKIS said:

I think it's good. Anyway how can you ask people to help you write something so personal? Isn't it supposed to be your idea of paradise or whateve's beautiful to you?

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yeah, but english is not my first language, so i hope that other people have similar ideas about paradise and that this people, preferable enlgish, could help me to express what i'm trying to say!