Upon Finding a Thought-Evoking Photograph Among a Pile of Others, a poem

Again, I beg for any critique, positive or negative, that you may have to give. I will not improve unless someone points out an error or identifies the best parts.

Upon Finding a Thought-Evoking Photograph Among a Pile of Others
Ross Shingledecker
2/13/04

Their eyes are dazzling, or
more appropriately, dazzled
by repeated camera flashes

Their mouths are smiling, or
in truth, grimacing upwards
jaws clenched from overexposure

He is stiffly at attention, or
more likely, held rigid in a tuxedo
which he has never worn before

She is graceful—yes,
refined, in her elegant black dress
tastefully adorned with a flower

They seem almost forced together
like the vines on the trellis behind them
but both joinings have created beauty

The structure of the trellis reveals the splendor of the vine
the sinuous vine brings glory to the simple trellis
they are more together than each alone could be

He is as unyielding as the whitewashed wood
she has the free beauty of the blooming flowers
together, they weave a harmonious pattern

Nobody? That means it's either perfect or too horrible to salvage...*grin* Unless someone says something, I guess I'll have to assume the former.*wanders off in blissful ignorance*

I think it's beautiful and modern and no that isn't an oxymoron. You really did paint a picture with words

It's good. The most effective part is the structure/rhythm/"meter" (not precise, I don't think) of the first four paragraphs, specifically the first lines of each. You mirror the same pattern in each, and it's well done. Also, I love the end how you compare the people to the trellis/ivy, AFTER you've explained why the relationship between the trellis/ivy is beneficial.

I agree with RIKKIS that there is a seemingly paradoxical tone that is both modern and searching for the past or nostalgic. It reminds me of people posing for a portrait photograph on the veranda of a colonial balcony trying to evoke the beauty of the past.

Well done.

Thanks--the poem is a bit haunting for me as well, because the picture is of myself and one of my exes, with whom I was very close for a long time. But thanks about the parallel structure, I wasn't sure if it was too forced or contrived.

But I like the veranda story better.

Do you think the title is too long/wordy?

No, the title is good; it gives the poem context. I also like the structure; it's not too sing-songy or anything annoying like that; it works well. I'd like to read more of your poetry.

There are four or five of my poems on this board...I'll eventually post more. Thanks--I'd love to hear what you think of the rest.

i think it is powerful! it has pictures that you can't get out of your head, but i think it is kind of slow in what you're trying to say, if you come faster to the point you could take more time to describe it!
but i like your words!

Title search

I wouldn't have you change a single word. The title, however, should be something shorter, in my opinion. Something like "Forgotten Photograph", or just "Photograph", or "Developed...."

Thanks--that's high praise. And I was worried about the wordiness of the title, as well. *thinks* How about one of these:

Photo Album Memories
A Rediscovered Photograph

Title Ideas

How about "Rediscovered in a Photograph", or "Rediscovered Photograph". Something like that