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red and blue

RIKKIS

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Sunlight, color, bare feet and pink toes. Aphrodite in the flesh and Venus swaddled in layers of silk. Beautiful things she had only read about. The temptation to leave with no note or anything suggesting she was gone was almost unbareable. Not a suitcase, not an empty closet, not even her shoes. Just walking away with no word or hint of unhappiness. Did anyone have to know, or notice? She had no family to speak of, not even a dog. Her only anchor to the world she now lived in was her home. Payments and bills, and what was that really if you knew no one would ever find you again. The only people she knew in the town were doctors, pharmicists, clerks at the convenient store, and maybe the movie rental guy knew her name. She wasn't inclined to be scared of many things because her aunt who raised her told her she could go or be or see whatever she wanted. When she did leave it was with joy, and no sadness. Her husband had left a year before with another woman, but she hadn't really cared. She couldn't remember anymore why she'd even liked him. She turned on her porch step and for the first time in her life knew that she would enjoy being alone. Seeing the world by herself. Knowing tastes and art and good wine with new people. Aquaintances that would pass through her life barely seen or noticed. Her life wouldn't be made of yellow's and grey's any longer; it would be red and blue, orange and purple, but not pink. She hated pink. She didn't think love would be a part of it anymore either. She had never really known romantic love anyway. She had married for money. It had worked. She had enough to go into the wide open and pay for anything she could want. That was the one thing her husband was good for, and God knew that was the only thing. She couldn't understand what that young pretty girl that he had swept off her feet had really seen in him at all. She wasn't dumb or numb like Frank. She was smart and animated, simple and earthly, even charming. Oh hell, what did she know. She doubted she had ever even known her husband in the three years they were married. She knew that love or understanding would never play a part in their marriage. Too bad he didn't.
The steps that lead down to the sidewalk were crumbling and old. No small feat for stiletto's. She walked through the grass and got in her rental car. Her cap of red hair falling down her back and her medium build getting in her way. Her brown eyes were a little too wide to be considered beautiful, but there was something bordering on compelling about her understated average appearance. If she wanted she could walk into a room unnoticed or walk in and turn every head her way. Attitude changed everything and she could throw some imagination into it. Right then she wanted to be noticed. It seemed like the airport was empty to her even though there were people everywhere. In her mind right then, she was the only one in the world. The airport smelled like peanuts and leather and she loved it. Peanuts and leather, the smell of freedom. She borded her flight next to a man that's life was obviously boring. Reading people was her forte. She had known that frank was rich from across the room. She decided that she would put a little joy into this dull man's life. "Are you married?" She asked with a dazzling smile and chipper voice. He ate it up. He leaned forward and looked perplexed. "me?" She smiled again not showing quite so many teeth. "Of course you. I don't see any other cute guys sitting around that would spur such an absurd question." The look that she received was pure compliment returned. He gave a nervous giggle and introduced himself. "I'm Frank, and you are?" She faltered. The last thing she expected was to meet another dull man named Frank, but oh well. "Nice to meet you Frank, I'm Sheila."
 
why thank you laboi. I'm impressed that you're impressed, especially since your work is just as good
 
more feed back please. rikkis is Begging and pleading, with tears and even sobs for someone to give an opinion.
 
Leaving me hanging

Nice. I need more. LOL. Your leaving me hanging! You do very well with descriptive details. Thats what I need to learn from you! HA! I'm dull and plain in my story. Thanks for the inspiration.
 
You have real talent

It's very good. I like the fragments, especially the first three lines. It's poetic (in a good way; we all hate bad poetry, don't we?) and evocative. Also well done is your use of color (the yellows and greys, etc.) and the mention of the smell of leather and peanuts. But most of all you have instilled the character with pathos in small amount of space, which is difficult to do. That is owed primarily to your style, which is both dreamy and precise; you manage to create an atmosphere beyond what is actually written because of your flowing style. You're at your best when you're painting with words, and I sense that parts of this were written without much conscious thought, that some of it just came out of you (am I wrong?). If not, congratulations, you made hard work seem effortless.

Some minors crits: remove the apostrophes from "yellow's", "grey's", and "stiletto's." Those are all plural and not possessive, so they shouldn't have one.
"The steps that lead down to" should be "that led down" (past tense lead has no "a.") And "She borded her flight" should be "boarded."

Also, in the first half you started a lot of sentences with "She." You might want to consider changing a few of those so it's less repetitive.

Overall, I'm impressed. You have the intangible factor that comes from following your own whims/muse. You supplied a good deal of background, a strong sense of emotional grounding, and a real personality into your protagonist in a single page or two, and you even ended with an intriguing catch. Introducing Frank #2 serves as a good hook; it also balances the entire passage with symmetry. But above all it makes me want to read more.

Yes, please post more. May I ask if you're writing a novel, story, or just words?
 
Very good, as everyone has said. I both envy and pity this woman.

One thing--if you broke the textblock up into paragraphs it might be a lot easier to read.
 
Thanks for the great advice guys. I didn't revise it or anything, just sat down here and wrote it. Yoy were right though, it just kind of poured out that day. Diareah of the mouth. Spelled that wrong too. I'll change it. It will definately be for the best.
 
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