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Not busy at all, I think. But not long enough to crit for more than SPAG. Listen should be listened. Her boss was a stringent, blustering buffoon. Hope that helps. JohnB

I didn't get it. It seems to be a random collection of the old man's thoughts. Why does he think he and the seagull are more alike because the seagull flew off? Man can't fly. Also, he decides to read and a book suddenly appears that wasn't mentioned when he packed his bag. Okay, what...

"I" is an almost invisible word, like he or said or was. These words are perfectly good and should sound natural, as long as they're not terribly over-used and sentence structure is varied. They only begin to detract from narration when you try to avoid them by using another word in their...

Is there a story here? It seems to be just the random thoughts of a motorist, and not so interesting thoughts, either. I had to skim the last 3/4 of it, due to boredom. I suppose you're just trying to set the character and mood, but I was so bored after the first couple of long paragraphs...

This is good. I like the way you bring in the Fire Maiden early, but the rest is pretty tame. I prefer a slam-bang opening that hooks the reader. Other than that, no crits. Hope that helps, JohnB

I"m sorry, I had to give up halfway through. It was just too difficult to figure out the present from the past. The verb tenses were often not correct for the time you were in and it jumped around in time quite a lot. We had the time when his father explained it, the time he was 18, the...

Okay, I looked at your reference. You're using a movie to argue about WRITING style? I fail to see the relevance. I, personally, do not relate to the world visually, as in TV, movies and could probably never write a script, certainly could not suggest cinematographic style for my own...

That's plot development, not style. JB

Ah, but the message is what it's all about. Style is all well and good, but if it doesn't transmit the message clearly, what good is it? It's like having a damn good-looking car that doesn't run. JohnB

This is the best thing you've ever written, in my opinion. I liked it, no shit. You don't do that rhyming thing, which makes your writing seem manufactured, and it's very introspective. Visceral, that's the word. Deep would be another adjective I'd use. Someday, I hope, you'll go beyond...

To each and all of you, Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year. JohnB

I don't know why you are questioning my intentions, but my last post of original work was over a year ago. And that was an excerpt from a book already published, just to introduce myself. As I stated, I criticize harshly at times and feel that I should show the level of my competence in the...

It means that I won't post an entire story because then I can't sell it. So I rarely post my work. But even though I won't post whole stories, I don't want people to think I only criticize and don't post. So I put up a partial. That's all. Take care, JohnB

Pip, Ordinarily, I agree with you and shun 1st person narratives. This piece however, is in the Lovecraftian tradition and I'm trying to adhere the style, as well as the intimate, yet detached narrator. The narrator will be faced with a decision at the end of the story. He won't decide...

2. I kept thinking about Miriam's story, however, because my editor wanted more articles without a military slant. Seems like almost all local history had gone on during the revolutionary and civil wars, with not much happening in between. I guess I should admit, right here and now...

Here's a couple of opening scenes from a story I'm working on. Since I freely criticize other writers, it's only fair that they have a chance to critique my works. So fire away. (I'm posting in two parts, due to length) Monkey Bottom 1. "Why don't you do a story about Monkey...

I understand her pretending. But the limbs seem to be tree limbs and come too far after imaginary arrows for imaginary to convey. The tense works okay, just wanted to point it out, in case it wasn't purposeful. JohnB

Cowboy, This is poignant, and not badly written, but I have a few problems with it. You call it the "Swan River Indian Village," yet she has never met a white man, apparently. So why would she think of it as an "Indian" village? She's running across a prairie and a plain. Where are the...

Oh, excuse me, doctor. I got you confused with the other Helgi, the one who has only read 15 books in his life and posted this. Posted by Helgi, 9 Nov., 2007 well, I was a really bad student, like Einstein. This accounts for my ~15 books in part, but I also went to catholic school in...

Oh, we're critiquing the critiques now are we? In that case, conjugations is spelled incorrectly, condescended is used incorrectly and pedagogical is also spelled incorrectly. Can you spell pedantic? Look it up, Mr. My I.Q. is 237. Take care, JohnB