For my 10th grade English class we are studying the Arthurian legends and I must write an essay on the supposed real location of Camelot.
I am not much of a fan of Arthurian legends or even English history, so of course I was not happy at all about this assignment. Furthermore, I could only find two or three Internet sources to base my essay on. I am also very lazy, and so I still have not turned in anything past the due date.
However, I got a brilliant idea. I figured, "My teacher probably isn't very perceptive. I recall hearing her say that all she checks for is the form of the essay. I could probably get away with writing a bogus, completely historically inaccurate essay."
So that is what I did.
Witness, if you will, the Most Hilariously Fake Essay Ever Written.
In 574 AD the aura of calm that hung over the majestic fortress of Camelot was suddenly shattered when hordes of Nazi alien invaders descended upon the British countryside.
Historians of those troubling times have written that when King Arthur was addressing his knights he said, "Lock n' load, boys. Don't shoot till you see the white of their eyes." (A History of Britain 43).
King Arthur and his men held out for weeks against the unrelenting onslaught. The siege was finally broken when Sir Launcelot of the Lake slew the alien overlord Xy'anaguz in a fierce one-on-one battle. The bard Freddo, who witnessed the event, composed a poem about the duel that was a New York Times bestseller for two centuries. The original copy of this poem was sadly destroyed when Atilla the Hun sacked the city of London in 692 AD, but various historians have referenced the poem, most notably the French historian and philosopher Jean Guerre in his Collections of the Great Works of the Britains.
News of the siege spread quickly throughout Europe and even reached as far as China in Asia. Sir Launcelot and Camelot became the subject of many documents of the period, though few survive today. In Britain the playwright Milton penned a five-act play titled "Camelot Besieged" while languishing in the dungeon of Lord Brock of Wickenbury, and in 713 AD the Chinese philosopher Confucius wrote his Parallel Lives of the Noble Chinese and English, in which he compared Sir Launcelot of the Lake to Emperor Chan of the Chi'in Dynasty and came to the conclusion that the great Chinese emperor "could not...be set against the heroics of Sir Launcelot of the Lake" (Confucius 56).
Though no one can say for sure where Camelot was, we cand etermine some of the likeliest locations from studying the works of these medieval historians, philosophers, and bards. In 1176 two monks studying Latin literature in the monastery of Coventry uncovered what appeared to be documents placing Camelot somewhere in the hills east of Redditch, where ruins of a stone fortress can still be seen today. Unfortunately the documents were lost in the Great London Fire of 1189, which was believed to have been started by a fame-seeking arsonist. Furthermore, many of the great historians of the period have debated the validity of the findings at great length. In particularly Geoffrey Gaulton, renowned nobleman and writer of the 1100s, repudiated the existence of these documents entirely in his Royal Histories of Britain, saying that "the fortress that stands at Redditch is simply not like the Camelot that is depicted in regional folklore" (Gaulton 23).
Of great concern to Arthurian historians is the density of UFO sightings in the Yorkshire area of Britain. There, a crumbling moss-covered stone castle stands on top of a hill east of Yorkshire looking of the Thames River. Some have proposed that the aliens are coming back to this place to bury their dead. On January 4th, 1988, there were 18 reported cases of UFO sightings in the Yorkshire area between Leeds and York (Hatch), the most ever reported in a single day.
Works Cited
A History of Britain. 579 AD.
Freddo, ???. "Launcelot." 574-585 AD.
Guerre, Jean. Collections of the Great Works of the Britains. 1106.
Confucius. Parallel Lives of the Noble Chinese and English. 713 AD.
Hatch, Larry. "*U* UFO Database." http://www.larryhatch.net/BRITALL.html.
I doubt anyone could come up with something more inaccurate than this. In the Works Cited, aside from the Larry Hatch website, all of the others are lies. Freddo doesn't even exist as far as I know. There is a Confucius, but he didn't write a Parallel Lives. That, I believe, was the accomplishment of another man, Plutarch.
Jean Guerre probably doesn't exist, either. And if somewhere he does, I can guarantee you that he didn't write Collections of the Great Works of the Britains.
There was no Great London Fire of 1189. Two monks did not discover documents placing Camelot in the hills east of Redditch. I don't know if there is even a monastery in Coventry. I don't even know if there are hills east of Redditch. For all I know, it might be flat land.
Atilla the Hun never sacked London in 692 AD. There is no Lord Brock of Wickenbury. There probably isn't even a Wickenbury. And certainly there is no play called "Camelot Besieged."
If I manage to get a good grade on this, then it will be a cause for celebration for tricksters everywhere.
I am not much of a fan of Arthurian legends or even English history, so of course I was not happy at all about this assignment. Furthermore, I could only find two or three Internet sources to base my essay on. I am also very lazy, and so I still have not turned in anything past the due date.
However, I got a brilliant idea. I figured, "My teacher probably isn't very perceptive. I recall hearing her say that all she checks for is the form of the essay. I could probably get away with writing a bogus, completely historically inaccurate essay."
So that is what I did.
Witness, if you will, the Most Hilariously Fake Essay Ever Written.
In 574 AD the aura of calm that hung over the majestic fortress of Camelot was suddenly shattered when hordes of Nazi alien invaders descended upon the British countryside.
Historians of those troubling times have written that when King Arthur was addressing his knights he said, "Lock n' load, boys. Don't shoot till you see the white of their eyes." (A History of Britain 43).
King Arthur and his men held out for weeks against the unrelenting onslaught. The siege was finally broken when Sir Launcelot of the Lake slew the alien overlord Xy'anaguz in a fierce one-on-one battle. The bard Freddo, who witnessed the event, composed a poem about the duel that was a New York Times bestseller for two centuries. The original copy of this poem was sadly destroyed when Atilla the Hun sacked the city of London in 692 AD, but various historians have referenced the poem, most notably the French historian and philosopher Jean Guerre in his Collections of the Great Works of the Britains.
News of the siege spread quickly throughout Europe and even reached as far as China in Asia. Sir Launcelot and Camelot became the subject of many documents of the period, though few survive today. In Britain the playwright Milton penned a five-act play titled "Camelot Besieged" while languishing in the dungeon of Lord Brock of Wickenbury, and in 713 AD the Chinese philosopher Confucius wrote his Parallel Lives of the Noble Chinese and English, in which he compared Sir Launcelot of the Lake to Emperor Chan of the Chi'in Dynasty and came to the conclusion that the great Chinese emperor "could not...be set against the heroics of Sir Launcelot of the Lake" (Confucius 56).
Though no one can say for sure where Camelot was, we cand etermine some of the likeliest locations from studying the works of these medieval historians, philosophers, and bards. In 1176 two monks studying Latin literature in the monastery of Coventry uncovered what appeared to be documents placing Camelot somewhere in the hills east of Redditch, where ruins of a stone fortress can still be seen today. Unfortunately the documents were lost in the Great London Fire of 1189, which was believed to have been started by a fame-seeking arsonist. Furthermore, many of the great historians of the period have debated the validity of the findings at great length. In particularly Geoffrey Gaulton, renowned nobleman and writer of the 1100s, repudiated the existence of these documents entirely in his Royal Histories of Britain, saying that "the fortress that stands at Redditch is simply not like the Camelot that is depicted in regional folklore" (Gaulton 23).
Of great concern to Arthurian historians is the density of UFO sightings in the Yorkshire area of Britain. There, a crumbling moss-covered stone castle stands on top of a hill east of Yorkshire looking of the Thames River. Some have proposed that the aliens are coming back to this place to bury their dead. On January 4th, 1988, there were 18 reported cases of UFO sightings in the Yorkshire area between Leeds and York (Hatch), the most ever reported in a single day.
Works Cited
A History of Britain. 579 AD.
Freddo, ???. "Launcelot." 574-585 AD.
Guerre, Jean. Collections of the Great Works of the Britains. 1106.
Confucius. Parallel Lives of the Noble Chinese and English. 713 AD.
Hatch, Larry. "*U* UFO Database." http://www.larryhatch.net/BRITALL.html.
I doubt anyone could come up with something more inaccurate than this. In the Works Cited, aside from the Larry Hatch website, all of the others are lies. Freddo doesn't even exist as far as I know. There is a Confucius, but he didn't write a Parallel Lives. That, I believe, was the accomplishment of another man, Plutarch.
Jean Guerre probably doesn't exist, either. And if somewhere he does, I can guarantee you that he didn't write Collections of the Great Works of the Britains.
There was no Great London Fire of 1189. Two monks did not discover documents placing Camelot in the hills east of Redditch. I don't know if there is even a monastery in Coventry. I don't even know if there are hills east of Redditch. For all I know, it might be flat land.
Atilla the Hun never sacked London in 692 AD. There is no Lord Brock of Wickenbury. There probably isn't even a Wickenbury. And certainly there is no play called "Camelot Besieged."
If I manage to get a good grade on this, then it will be a cause for celebration for tricksters everywhere.
