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A Terrorist Bombing

WolfLarsen

WolfLarsen

Member
A Terrorist Bombing
a short story by Wolf Larsen

It is a humble home in Afghanistan. The husband and wife and their three children (ages 13, 11, & 9) are all sitting down to eat. The youngest son is yelling and laughing loudly about something.
"Can we have a moment of quiet please?" asks the father.
As they all sit before their food the father thanks God for the food that they're about to eat. Then he faces his wife with a smile and thanks her too.
The husband and wife look at each other with tenderness.

The older son blurts out, "Enough of all your mushy lovey-dovey stuff! I'm hungry!"
The daughter says laughingly, "You're always hungry! Do you have a tapeworm?"
The older son just shakes his head and begins eating and everybody begins eating while the younger son tells everybody about what he did at school today.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them in the sky above their home a CIA drone is moving into position.
"One of my teachers Mr. D---- is so boring," says the youngest son. "But Mrs. L----‘s classes are not boring at all."
As Junior talks the cargo doors of the CIA drone open up and release a bomb. As the bomb falls through the air Junior continues talking:
"Mrs. L---- smiles a lot too. I wish my other teachers were more like her. Sometimes - "
And that was the last word that Junior said. There was a big crash, a scream, and then an explosion. The entire family was blown away into bits.

Copyright 2011 by Wolf Larsen. Advance permission is given to anyone wishing to do so to publish the above story without alterations as long as credit is given to the author, and the intent of such publication is not hostile.
 
"It is a humble home in Afghanistan. "

Maybe it's because I'm American, maybe it's because I'm conservative pro-war ( the 2001/2002 invasion to get Bin Laden ); but your lead in first sentence seemed ( to me ) to be so " off convoluted " I just refuse to even believe that first and only sentence.

Regardless of the rest of the text. The story may even be a good one about a well grounded family with wholesome loving experiences. But it's that first sentence that gives all meaning and indication where this story takes place and who the people are in it ( certainly not a white family, black family, asian family or hispanic family living in Afghanistan ) that makes my mental juxtaposition of the phrase " It's a humble home in Afghanistan "

- with all the scenes and images of what the world has come to know about that region of the world for the last ten years..........completely impossible.

I just can't do it.
 
manuscriptx said:
Maybe it's because I'm American, maybe it's because I'm conservative pro-war
Click to expand...

No, I don't think so.
The first sentence telegraphs the punch that this will be a "message" story.
The phrase "CIA drone" midway through forecasts the outcome.
The only phrase missing is "we are the enemy."

What else for a saccharine Peace homily?
 
I have to admit that I like the spirit of Wolf's post, especially his signature that is a constant reminder to us all of the reality that awaits those who put their pen to the public.

While I've never met Wolf, I feel like a bond has been created. Yesterday, you see, I received one of the most scathing reviews of my work. With hindsight, I think the "critic" was venting as it's been suggested to me by those who know him that he had been served with a round of rejections and, therefore, still unpublished. I call these people "torpedos" for obvious reasons. If you guys are like me, we tend to be our own worse critics. Therefore, I take everything to heart and, while malformed, this particular reviewer's words cut deeper than most. Seeing the familiar quote on Wolf's post made me stop and ponder the big picture. So... Wolf, my new friend, thanks for that.

As my goal is to support universal balance with all that I do, joining this forum is my way to contribute and support those who have chosen the same vocation as I. In light of the bad review, my response is to offer a platform of kindness and structure while learning from the like-minded in the process.

So.. with my "Simon Cowell" hat on, I will say, I really like you Wolf and I get what you're trying to do. We tend to insulate ourselves from the realities of war, however secret they may be, in an endeavor to rationalize the actions of our government and it's military. I especially like the way you attach American attributes to the characters in your story; a quality that is sure to connect to the "average" reader.

If I may speculate... is this piece so short because you're testing the waters with a toe; lacking the confidence required to go all-out? I, for one, would like to see more. Especially in the detail department. I would also like to see lines like "The entire family was blown away into bits" replaced with a more systematic demise that will only enhance the "shock-value" you are trying to convey. I'm a huge fan of shock-value, by the way. Words that imply force... words like "slammed," "tore ," "shook."... "In an instant, the members of the table inhaled their last breath; air filled with scalding heat and fire. What followed was an explosion of a higher order that incinerated them and the home they occupied."

Just my two cents.
 
Short and to the point. Good point even though it must have been made by 10% of the passably sane population of earth, so it's old news. Still good.

Peder said:
The only phrase missing is "we are the enemy."
Click to expand...

Leaving that line out is important, because it's so much stronger if the reader forms it in his/her own head instead. Which everybody except for those who have cowardly murder in their own hearts or are too dumb to comprehend it surely will.

@will: ummm.. spam?
 
manuscriptx said:
- with all the scenes and images of what the world has come to know about that region of the world for the last ten years..........completely impossible.

I just can't do it.
Click to expand...

Weirdly enough I find myself feeling a bit like you for the opposite reasons. I usually am against war and I am doing voluntary social work with asylum seekers from Afghanistan. I just keep hearing what the taliban did to everybody. Never got a single case of people loosing family or friends because of the western soldiers. Of course there are plenty of such cases but statistically most deaths are by taliban or warlord violence.

And yes, families in Afghanistan are very different than wolf's description. He described something that could pretty much only have been an American family, not even a European one. But I believe there is method in his madness. Depict "the enemy" as yourselves to elicit empathy.
 
I forgot to say thank you to everybody for your comments and for your indulgence. I realize that this work is the opposite of a masterpiece. However, at this point in time I feel like writing about the real world, and I feel like writing in a very simplistic manner, as for many years now my writing has been about everything but the real world.

However, my style of writing may change again the next time I change my underwear. LOL

I especially want to thank Cimino for his comments. Those observations he made are so true that they should be framed in gold on every posting board for all to see.

My skin is thick however. The reason I put the thing about the criticism was not to avoid criticism however, but rather to encourage people to do whatever they want. I feel that everyone everywhere all the time should do whatever they want as long as it is not harmful to others. I posted that there as a way to encourage everyone to smash conformity into pieces.

I also put that there to defend my right, or what I naïvely believe is my right, to be a non-conformist. I don't care what others say. I know what I am. I know what my works are. If someone says something untrue about me or my works I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Conformity has its place. If you have a blue-collar job that's dangerous it's extremely important to conform to safety rules. I had dangerous blue-collar jobs for 12 years in a place called Dutch Harbor, Alaska. The work was seasonal and long hours.

While for obvious reasons it was extremely important to conform to safety procedures rigidly for up to hundred hour weeks twice a year I can tell you that the rest of the year when I had plenty of money and free time I wanted to do whatever the hell I wanted to without anyone telling me I had to conform. I encourage nonconformity. A extreme example of conformity is Nazi Germany.

Anyway, that was long-winded. Sorry.

Anyway again thank you everyone for your comments.
 
stories

In the movie : Secret Window

Johnny Depp says the ending is the most important part of the story.
I think it's the beginning. The first words are very important. Not many readers need a reason to begin a story; particularly a long one; but especially a complicated one.

- in some cases writers should.
 
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