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I wrote this last night but can't think of a title. Any ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated.
~Vesper!
I gazed at the stars as they fell from the sky.
I clasped the brightest star as she wept for me, dying.
I feel the desperate stars reclaiming me
Now as they cry--
I...
I have an inny-outie. It's so cute, like a little button in a hole.
One of my friends has 2 bellybuttons. He was in a car crash, went comatose, and during that he got a second bellybutton where he was fed. It's kinda cool looking now. Bet it wasn't then.
Splendish Splendish. I applaud you for that work.
However :D
Meter needs to be tightened. (yes, I know it's been said, but there isn't much else I can think of to criticize :()
Throw in some half-rhymes. Almost too-singsongy, even though I guess that's because of the bird, but even they...
Granted, but what you wanted to do was become a professional (American) football player, and you succeed, but right before your first match, you get hit by a car going 90 mph and can never play the game again.
I wish my hair wasn't curly and unmanageable!
Granted: but you anger him and he gets you thrown out of his hotel room on the fifteenth floor by his security guards and then puts a restraining order on your mutilated body.
I wish I didn't have such big shoulders...
Guide to the Gothic Subculture
What are Clothes for Anyways?
Just a Little Tipsy
The Children's Guide to Socialism
The Children's Guide to Satanism
The Children's Guide to Antipathy
I Hate The World: Emos Galore!
Pretty Pictures of a Pretty Body
Radicalism for Pre-Teens: Destroy the...
Granted: but you were dreaming that you slept until 12:35, and now you awake at 3:35 p.m. (:p)
I wish that I could become the Communist Dictator of the World! (muahahaha!)
See these.
http://www.bookandreader.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12926
http://www.bookandreader.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12834
http://www.bookandreader.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12770
These are my latest ones.
I feel that they are too timely. They don't express something that people who are unfamiliar with our culture can identify with. I must admit that it is not a huge deal, but somehow it bugs me.
I feel your imagery is wonderful, especially in the second poem; however, more imaginative forms of...