A Boat Trip

[spatha]

Hi all, I'm new to the forums and thought I would introduce myself with a poem. I'm VERY new to poetry though so please go easy on it!

A BOAT TRIP

Rolling along froth spitting seas,
through slap of swell and salt spray,
he commands with storm weathered ease,
proud prow sleekly carving a way.

Over the sun killing gloom,
where secretly gliding shapes lurk,
through slow, sliding mists of green bloom,
flashing silver slices the murk.

Motor breathes beneath sun peeled floors,
screw slashes the emerald tide,
mocking gull masterly soars,
or bobs with the foam to wave ride.

Tip-toed gigglers squint through the breeze,
splashing past cracked and broken shores,
sun slips towards tireless seas,
lights of the harbour, heading for port.

 

[spatha]

Hmmm, no comments eh? Is it a case of 'if you cant say anything good, dont say anything at all'? As I'm a new writer, feedback would be appreciated as I'd very much like to learn from mistakes.

 

[Occlith]

Hello spatha, welcome to my feedback. Liked the poem but... yes I'll go easy

"Over the sun killing gloom where secretly gliding shapes lurk"
After re-reading this I had a different interpretations…
Is 'gloom' in reference to the cloudy/stormy sky? If so, the word 'over' does not seem to apply.
Are the 'gliding shapes' sharks and the 'flashing silver' silver colored fish? Is the 'gloom' the dark unseen depths of the ocean?
Is it the boat that is going 'Over the sun killing gloom' (the darkened seas?) and the 'flashing silver' is the boat's wake?

I like the part about the 'sun peeled floors'.

Who or what are the 'Tip-toed gigglers'? Are they in the boat or are they on the shore being observed by the boaters?

"lights of the harbour, heading for port."
There's a sense of the boat on a return trip by passing the shores, then the harbour to the port, but it is worded so that it seems that the 'lights' are heading for port.

The last stanza can be reworded to keep the rhyme pattern of the rest of the poem.

 

[spatha]

Hi Occlith, thanks for taking the time to give feedback.

The 'sun killing gloom' is of course the depths of the sea, as the poem describes what the boat is travelling through and over.

The 'gigglers' are children, this poem describes a boat trip, no other day out, like a trip to the beach for example.

Its always a case of 'showing, not telling'. Certainly with poetry, if the writer is too descriptive then it just becomes prose. Sorry if it was a little vague, but the reader has to do some interpretation for themselves. Often the way with poetry (read some Sylvia Plath!)