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A Brist Walk in the Woods

Joshua

New Member
A Brisk Walk in the Woods * Updated *

Still not done :)


Constructive criticism is wanted :)


A Brisk Walk in the Woods.

It was a brisk cold winter morning, and not a soul was out, except Samin that is. Samin was out on a stroll, through the thick never ending forest, that surrounded her backyard. The forest was not just a forest for her; it was a refuge. A place she could go to escape the stress, and hardships of everyday life. It must have been around 6:30 in the morning when Samin set out on her morning stroll, and today's stroll would be one she would never forget, for it began the wonderful, mysterious, and magical adventure of her lifetime.

While walking, Samin thought that she had seen something behind a thick oak tree, but paid no attention, when she could not locate it. Then it appeared again, this time she was able to get a blurred glimpse of it. It was small, about the size of a fox; covered with smooth brown fur, a thick black line racing from its front to its hind, it had slightly large ears, and unlike a fox, it walked on its hind legs. It was a truly mysterious sighting, and Samin wanted to know more, so she attempted to follow it, but it moved too fast, and it was lost into the thicket once more.

She got so caught up in looking, that she lost track of time, with a brief glimpse of her wrist watch, she set off in a full out run homeward. She made it home, out of breath and extremely curious; she thought to herself "What could it have possibly been?" She wondered if she should tell anyone, or keep it to herself and whether or not to look for it the next morning.

After devouring breakfast, Samin made her way to the parking garage. Nazim was waiting for her at her car, "Where have you been? You're late", "I'm sorry, I was late waking up this morning" she lied.

The whole time at work, Samin sat at her desk tormented by curiosity. She could not help but think about what she had seen in the woods, even though all she had seen was a glimpse. The day passed, slowly that is, and with the big hand on the twelve and the little hand pointing to the five, Samin was out of the office, and on her way home.

That night, over a cup of coffee, she sat at her back window, and peered into the woods, hoping that she might catch a glimpse of something. Hours passed and dusk fell upon the woods like a blanket over a child. Samin was tired, and decided she would leave the searching for the morning.

Like clockwork, Samin was out of bed, and ready for her morning stroll. This do with it? How would it react?" She did not care about what it thought, or time with one thing on her mind: Find what she saw in the forest, the previous morning. She was on a mission, and nothing would stop her from accomplishing it.

She was barely into the forest, when she caught glimpse of it. Giddy with excitement, Samin took off into the woods, screaming and yelling after the "fox-thing".

"Come back" she yelled, "Come back, I'm not here to hurt you". From behind a distant tree, a loud, but kind voice rang out, "Who are you, and what are you doing in my woods?"

"Your woods?" she yelled back, "These woods are on my property, which would therefore make them my woods. Would it not?"

"Foolish humans, not nearly as smart as one would think." It whispered to itself. "How can you claim something that was not rightfully yours to lay claim to, human?" it bellowed.

"For such a cheeky fellow, you're quite wise, but why hide, why not reveal thou?" Samin gracefully replied.

"For a human, you're quite demanding. To reveal myself, would mean startling you, for I do not believe in my heart, that you would be ready for what you are about to see" these were the last words it spoke to Samin, before turning on a dime and retreating back into the covering of the woods.

Samin took off in a full out run towards the "fox-thing", but with the speed it had appeared, it had gone again. Samin was so frustrated that she let out a loud scream, which caused some of the wrens atop the trees to disperse.



With a sense of un-fulfillment, Samin returned home. Again, she sat at the back window, coffee in hand peering intently at the forest, hoping she would catch a glimpse of what she so desperately seeks. Evening turned into night and dusk fell upon the forest once again. Samin lay in bed, unable to sleep because of the curiosity that has been plaguing her for the past two days.

"I have to find what's out there," she said with a sigh, and on this note, she fell into a deep sleep. That night the "fox-thing" plagued her dreams. Although she could not see it, it was there and still bellowing out from behind the tree. "What do you want from me?" she yelled,

"I want you to leave this house, and leave this land, for it does not belong too you" an angry voice replied.

"But why must I leave, please tell me this" she sobbed,

"If you do not leave before sundown, we will come and remove you ourselves"

"Please tell me why you want me to leave," she sobbed harder there was no answer. Whatever was out there had gone.

She woke up in a cold sweat, "Thank god it was a dream," she thought.

Soon enough the thought that what she dreamed, might actually be a foresight plagued her. She knew there was only one thing to do, she had to find out what was in the forest, and she would do whatever it took.

That morning, she went out for her stroll, but this time she took a different route. She laid many traps (in the hopes that whatever was out there, might fall into one). With traps in place, a sense of pride overwhelmed her. She thought to herself, "What if I actually catch this thing? What would Ihow it would act. She had on thing on her mind, and that was finding out what it is, and why it was in the woods.
 

mehastings

Active Member
I think it is an interesting start to a story. I'm left with kind of a hanging feeling though, like I'd like to see more than what is here. Perhaps the ending could be longer or more detailed.

Also, you seem to overuse commas a bit (something I am SOO guilty of). I saw a lot of them in places they really weren't needed. I often find that using a computer's grammar check is a mistake. They sometimes miss that stuff. I try to have a real person proofread for me and I find it works out better in the end.

Lastly, I would try to break up that last paragraph. There is too much dialog for a single paragraph.
 

Dizzy

New Member
It's good, and I liked it.

But my english teacher tells me that when you write dialogue, you start on a new line for each character/speaker.

'Lastly, I would try to break up that last paragraph. There is too much dialog for a single paragraph.' said mehastings
'I agree' Replied Dizzy
'Dizzy...that is one lame example, why don't you just erase it now before submitting your post?'
'I post, then think...'
'You are a retard'
'I know' said Dizzy, dabbing his eyes with a tissue.
:D
 

Joshua

New Member
Yeah, mine does as well.

I should have mentioned above, that it isn't finished. It is still just in the beginning stages.

I took your advice (and the teachers of course :p) and have begun making a new line, everytime a different person speaks.
 

sirmyk

New Member
Suggestions for the beginning of the story

:cool: I would cut the first few lines/paragraphs and start the story here; it makes a more suspenseful opening:

"It appeared again, this time she was able to get a blurred glimpse of it. It was small, about the size of a fox; covered with smooth brown fur, a thick black line racing from its front to its hind, it had slightly large ears, and unlike a fox, it walked on its hind legs. It was a truly mysterious sighting, and Samin wanted to know more, so she attempted to follow it, but it moved too fast, and it was lost into the thicket once more."​

Just some helpful advice. Maybe you can move/modify the opening paragraph and use it later as backstory. Using the above paragraph as a "grabber" start works well. But, you will also need to modify some ","s and ";"s to make the paragraph work grammatically.

Here's an example edit:

It appeared again. This time she was given a blurred glimpse. It was small, about the size of a fox, and covered with smooth brown fur. A black line raced from its front to back. It had large ears, and, unlike a fox, it walked on its hind legs... truly a mysterious sighting. Samin wanted to know more, so she attempted to follow the creature. But she was unable, for it moved too fast, and became lost into the thicket.​

Let me know what you think, or if you want further edits.
 

Stewart

Active Member
Joshua said:
It was a brisk cold winter morning, and not a soul was out, except Samin that is. Samin was out on a stroll, through the thick never ending forest, that surrounded her backyard. The forest was not just a forest for her; it was a refuge. A place she could go to escape the stress, and hardships of everyday life. It must have been around 6:30 in the morning when Samin set out on her morning stroll, and today's stroll would be one she would never forget, for it began the wonderful, mysterious, and magical adventure of her lifetime.

I only read this bit as I didn't want to read the whole thing but I was disheartened by the opening sentence. You are telling me that it was a brisk cold winter morning but I, as a reader, don't want to be told that. I want you, as the author, to show me that it is a brisk cold winter morning.

I want to to see evidence that it's winter - maybe there's snow on the ground and the trees are bare unless, of course, they are conifers. I want to see the sun in the east so that I can tell for myself that it is morning. If Samin is out on a stroll then I want to see small puffs of breath to show me that it's cold. Maybe she is wearing gloves and a scarf. Is her face pale or is her nose slightly tinged red?

The trick is never to say it was.

i.e. contrast the following

  • It was morning.
  • She followed the dusty path west, feeling the sun's gentle warmth on the back of her neck.

In the first you are being told it is morning. Not very exciting, eh? In the second the details are being sneaked into the narrative which make the story more interesting and allows the reader to infer for themselves that it is morning.
 
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