Avenue

[Peder]

Avenue

'You are just totally completely lost
living in the void
You don't get it don't understand
not a single word.'
My words as good as those guys
any day but people chip in.
Street sellers lined up along
the long iron fence.
The wood puzzle looks nice, making
the front of a cathedral all carved
in the wood.
Scarves all sorts, trinkets,
wonder what they take in.
Watches, real el cheapos,
a wonder they work at all.
Wouldn't touch them myself.
Then franks mustard sauerkraut.
They always do OK;
people line up, gotta eat.
Here's my spot. Just stand still,
on the corner, tin cup out.
People drop in change.
'Thank you,' it all helps.
One guy once a whole handful.
Another guy a tenner, 'Thank you.'
But standing works, so just wait.
Don't know what they are thinking.
Sometimes 'Merry Christmas.'
Maybe they get some good out of it.
'Thank you,' yeah looks like I'll do OK.
Getting colder need a better coat;
Good ones at Winter Exchange Program.
The cup feels right.
Time for soup.
All in a day's work.
Good season, Christmas.

 

[Peder]

Typo: "The cup feels right."

 

[Polly Parrot]

Edited for you.

 

[Peder]

Thank you so much, Polly. :flowers:

 

[manuscriptx]

The corrections (-I see-) that can be made.

'You are just totally and completely lost;
living in the void.


You don't get it;
you don't understand, not a single word or verb.

My words as good as the good guys;
any day and people chip in.
Street sellers line up along the long iron fence.
The wood puzzle looks nice, making love
the front of the cathedral all carved up
in wood.

Scarves of all sorts;
trinkets, wonders and (transitive verb) of what they take in.
The watchers el cheapos;
a wonder that they even work at all.
I wouldn't touch myself; but then the franks look real good under mustard and sauerkraut.

They were always OK;
people line up, they gotta eat.
Here's my spot. Just stand up,
on the corner, tin cup out;
drop in change and it all helps.

Once a guy, once a wonderful
wholesome handful.
Another guy; another great tenner.
'Thank you.'

But standing in the woods, just wait.
They don't know what they're thinking.
Sometimes 'Merry Christmas' replaces "hello"
Maybe they get good out of it.
'Thank you,' yeah looks like I'll do OK.
Getting colder and better;
Good ones at Winter Exchange Program.
Tin cup feels right.
Time for soup.
All in a day's work.
Good season.

Christmas.

 

[Peder]

Many thanks for your thoughtful and very carefully placed revisions. Definite grist for the mill there. That broken style is ambiguous and not many warm up to it.

Thank you very much for your honest suggestions.

 

[pontalba]

Hmmm, I tend to prefer the staccato effect, and to imagine the connectives.

 

[Peder]

Hmmm, I tend to prefer the staccato effect, and to imagine the connectives.

Many thanks. I was trying to imagine the interior monologue of a street character (a beggar) whom I was trying to imagine. Settled on what I think is street vernacular. But it might not ring true, or be evident.

So, many thanks for reading and not being put off.

 

[pontalba]

Many thanks. I was trying to imagine the interior monologue of a street character (a beggar) whom I was trying to imagine. Settled on what I think is street vernacular. But it might not ring true, or be evident.

So, many thanks for reading and not being put off.

Which is good, because we don't usually think in complete sentences, I'd say an interior monologue is sort of scatter shot in a way.

 

[Peder]

Double thanks!

 

[MadBen]

I just read it the second time and still don't fully get it... might be just me. Oh well, I think I will return to it once more tomorrow

 

[Peder]

Ben, I still very much appreciate your comments. Some of the corrections you made were to my sloppy way of speaking and writing that creeped through -- not just some imaginary beggar's -- so I am very glad you picked up on them.
I look forward to what your rereading(s) turn up. It is easy for me to follow because, of course I wrote it. I can't gauge how it works with new ears. So I'm eager to hear. I hope the picture jells.

 

[Peder]

Anyone else, please feel free to comment also.

 

[MadBen]

I reread it and intentionally ignored all the bits of information. Instead I just let the flow of emotions and colors sweep me along this time. It felt more like one piece now and I guess my mistake was looking for deeper meaning when it was a detailed description of a scene rather than something with a "moral" or "deeper sense". That or I failed to find it. I am still pondering that though. Any hints?

And what of the physical shape of the text? It looks like you intentionally broke it into blocks that would inconvenience the reader to the point where brute force of will is needed to proceed beyond the first third.

I hope this doesn't look too negative to you - I make a point of only commenting in detail after reading something at least 2 or 3 times and looking at it from all directions I can think of.

I'd be really interested in hearing your reasoning behind all this

 

[manuscriptx]

Overall Comment.

- I think everyone agrees the same way; the concept is good.
The writing needs more fullness. More texture.


Everyone can see the events you create in this particular piece unfold; but the words don't seem to connect or fit evenly.

I get the sense that when people read a story; they don't want to have to think " I think this person means........(this, this and this) "

In other words; don't let the reader have to mentally edit and guess.
As I said previously; always re-read your writing pieces at least twice.

Before posting them on the website; write them down on paper, or in a compositition program like MS Word/Word Perfect.

Everyone's giving good comments; which you seem to want but if I had to guess; they're also saying try to improve it before you post it.

Try to "see" ahead of everyone's forecomming criticisms about the work.

 

[Peder]

I reread it and intentionally ignored all the bits of information. Instead I just let the flow of emotions and colors sweep me along this time. It felt more like one piece now . . . a detailed description of a scene rather than something with a "moral" or "deeper sense".

That was a good way to read it. It was intended as no more than an interior stream-of-consciousness response by the beggar to a scene he passed by on his way to his stand, followed by ruminations on his life experiences from his point of view as he stood with his cup out.

As to deeper sense, that's debatable. The final thoughts might lead one to personal musings about the ironies of intentions and understandings in a mixed religious and commercial season. I make no sugestions for the 'right' answer.

And what of the physical shape of the text? It looks like you intentionally broke it into blocks that would inconvenience the reader to the point where brute force of will is needed to proceed beyond the first third.

I'll present it re-parsed, and things might be clearer. But, no, I wasn't trying to make it deliberately difficult. Explanation will come below.

I hope this doesn't look too negative to you - I make a point of only commenting in detail after reading something at least 2 or 3 times and looking at it from all directions I can think of.

Ben, it does not at all look too negative, and I certainly take no offense. Not at all! Instead I appreciate immensely your taking the time to read, post and interact instead of just saying "I don't like it" and moving on. In fact, many thanks for adding a new voice to discussions here on the forum. :flowers:

I'd be really interested in hearing your reasoning behind all this

Let me respond to that as part of re-posting, following in a post or several.

 

[Peder]

- I think everyone agrees the same way; the concept is good.
The writing needs more fullness. More texture.


Everyone can see the events you create in this particular piece unfold; but the words don't seem to connect or fit evenly.

I get the sense that when people read a story; they don't want to have to think " I think this person means........(this, this and this) "

In other words; don't let the reader have to mentally edit and guess.
As I said previously; always re-read your writing pieces at least twice.

My re posting to follow may clarify some of this. Maybe not, but I'll defer response until then, as it goes to form as well as content.

Before posting them on the website; write them down on paper, or in a compositition program like MS Word/Word Perfect.

Everyone's giving good comments; which you seem to want but if I had to guess; they're also saying try to improve it before you post it.

Try to "see" ahead of everyone's forecomming criticisms about the work.

Believe it or not, I did do that and it is posted as I wanted it to appear. See below.

But you may be right that I should not post such work here, in view of the extended discussion it is producing and the space it is taking, and its probable imposition on casual readers who are not in the least bit interested. It is probably best if I continue to post such material up in my local blog here on BAR, where traffic is much lower but comments are still fully as welcome as they are down here in the mainstream.

Many thanks for your honest reaction and your constructive comments.
Sincerely
Peder
:flowers:

 

[Peder]

Avenue - reparsed

Avenue

You are just totally completely lost
living in the void
You don't get it don't understand
not a single word.
My words as good as those hip-hoppers
any day but people chip in.

Street sellers lined up along
the long iron fence.

The wood puzzle looks nice, making
the front of a cathedral all carved
in the wood.

Scarves all sorts, trinkets,
wonder what they take in.

Watches real el cheapos,
a wonder they work at all.
Wouldn't touch them myself.

Then franks mustard sauerkraut.
They always do OK;
people line up, gotta eat.

Here's my spot. Just stand still,
on the corner, tin cup out.
People drop in change.
'Thank you,' it all helps.

One guy once a whole handful.
Another guy a tenner, 'Thank you.'
But standing works, so just wait.

Don't know what they are thinking.
Sometimes 'Merry Christmas.'
Maybe they get some good out of it.
'Thank you,' yeah looks like I'll do OK .

Getting colder need a better coat;
Good ones at Winter Exchange Program.

The cup feels right.
Time for soup.
All in a day's work.

Good season, Christmas.​

===

Re Content:
These are a beggar's responses to the passing scene as he walks down the avenue to his regular stand, first passing by a group of rappers, and then individual street merchants selling puzzles, scarves, trinkets, watches and frankfurters. Reaching his stand, he sticks his cup out and thinks about some random life experiences of his while begging, and wonders a little about the people who drop money in his cup. Finally he gets on with his life and takes a break for lunch like all of us wage earners. And then he gives a final measure of the Christmas season from his point of view - there at the human intersection of charity, need, religion and commerce, measured in weight of silver.

Re Form:
First of all, I wanted a beggar's point of view, in the beggar's own voice as well as I might suggest it. So, interior monologue, and street vernacular, in all their fragmentation and disconnectedness.

Second, I wanted a poetic framework for the overall work, laughable though the word "poem" might sound in connection with such a jumble of unrhymed randomely metered lines and uneven stanzas. "Poetic" also to match the fragmentary monologue. The topic is slender for a straightforward narrative and I didn't want it to sound preachy with more weight than it deserved. An essay would be more appropriate if that were my purpose.

Re Purpose:
I have been experimenting with writing poetry in the very loose sense you have just seen which, first, relies on structuring the natural rhythms and cadences of the spoken English language for aural effect and, second, relies on the syntax of English to indicate the proper parsing of otherwise relatively unconstrained flows of thought and images (with or without punctuation). Someday maybe I'll be able to put it more clearly than that, but for the moment, that is what I am about and I sincerely appreciate your listening and your reactions.

 

[Polly Parrot]

I don't think poems need to be clear as to what they mean at all. I think they're meant to make you think about what it may mean.

 

[Peder]

Polly, Thanks for the thought. I hadn't thought of it that way, but now that you mention, some of the classical and beautiful well-known ones are clear, stunning and complete in themselves. Others are more allusive and open-ended, and I can think of many by famous authors whose metaphors totally lose me. It saeems to be a very wide playing field.
:flowers:

PS Nice signature line.