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Beautiful Winds

K

kaitlynanne

New Member
I’m sitting her alone in my room. The fan is blowing on my face, ready to make me pull my blanket tight around me in the middle of the night. Its not a bright light that is turned on my room, just a dim white snail lamp that cost me a whole paycheck last year. I look around my room through burning eyes. I haven’t taken out my contacts in seventy-two hours. What do I see in my room, you ask? I see laundry that needs to be done tomorrow night. For some reason there is my sleeping bag in the basket. Is it telling me that I need to go camping really soon? I might just listen to the speech my silent laundry basket is giving me. The next memory that my eye wanders to is pictures that cover walls of past friends, distant memories, and relatives that have passed away leaving everyone is tears. I see furniture that is stuck in place, too heavy to move. Bandanas hang from a candle holder in the shape of a cross that hangs on the light green wall, that is apart of the walls that box me in. Jewelry is in boxes, not that I wear any of it. To me, its just pieces of silver, gold, plastic, and metal that was money wasted. Money in a jar from customers that I scooped ice cream for. Duffel bags that will soon be packed for a trip sit on the floor in the one corner of this green room I call a living space. Heaps of scarves hang from curtain rods, waiting to be worn. Dressers full of clothes I never wear. A tie dyed purse layes thrown on the ground waiting to be picked up tomorrow morning. A vase with a flower arrangement placed in it, that was carried down the aisle at someone’s wedding. The bed that is too big for the small room sits right in the middle, on it is a sheet that never gets used, a stuffed frog that was given to me on my nineteenth birthday, and my gram’s quilt thrown over my stomach. Everything in this little room has a purpose and is a memory. I lay on my bed and thoughts of you swirl aimlessly around in the air above me. Even though the door of this room is open wide and the windows are being held open with screens the thoughts still stay cooped up in this room with me, consuming my mind. The thoughts of you and what we could have been leave me feeling claustrophobic. If only I didn’t fear the thought of being left alone, maybe my thoughts would leave through the window and be swept away by the wind in a beautiful tornado.
 
As a writer myself, I think every writer needs honest advice. I looked at this last week and didn't want to comment.

I don't think you want to send in a "story" with a glaring mistake in the very first sentence. her instead of here. I'm sure it's only a typo, but if I were an editor, it would be tossed into the circular file immediately.

Secondly, it's not a story, just a short description of someone's feelings.

Finally, magazines don't hire writers, Magazine editors accept articles or stories from them and (sometimes) pay them. Yes, a few of the larger magazines have writers on staff, but you have to be pretty established to get a gig like that.

You're new, you've only posted here 3 times, I've noticed. Look around, go to lots of forums and writer's sites to learn how writing for pay works. Here's a link Ralan.com - Home Page Check out their sections on writing help, writing links, etc. and take the time to soak it all in.

Sorry to be such a downer, the writing is okay, but you have a lot to learn. Believe me, I was in your shoes a few years back.

Hope that helps,

John Bushore
 
I thought it was quite a touching little story.

So, yes there is the error on the first line. Correct that, and then space it out clearer.
It's all one big chunk of text, so get used to using the enter button. It makes it much easier to read.

Yes, magazines do "hire" for one story. It's called a contract.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you it's not a story. It is. Go for it.
 
other typos -

leaving everyone is tears (leaving everyone in tears)
that is apart of the walls (that is a part of the walls)
its just pieces of silver (it's just pieces of silver)
dyed purse layes thrown (dyed purse lies thrown)
 
You're very welcome.
Also - John pointed out the Ralan site. That is definitely a site to keep in your bookmarks. Lots of links to potential markets, though mainly horror, fantasy and scifi.

I hope you have heaps of luck selling your stories.
Keep writing, and don't be discouraged by anyone!
 
My comment.

You sound like someone suffering from ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder.

The one page story seems to me to be all about you and not enough on anything you notice with your eyes; what you feel what you're thinking or any focus on someone or something relating to back to you.

Your thoughts don't seem to flow " linear ly " ; they seem scattered.

As far as the text; it's all I, me, my.

My two cents advice is develop more text to talk about the little things more; things besides you and interrelate it back to you. A story about what it all means.
If anything.

If I had to give it a grade; C- / D
 
@GlynnJames

How many times can you say I, me, my in a one paragraph story before you're not really talking about anything but yourself?

If it seems like a story about anything it might as well be about someone standing in front of a mirror.
 
And as usual, before taking manuscriptx's advice under consideration, make sure to read something he has written to see what he considers good writing.
 
Good Writers ( other than myself of course )

In the six years I've been a member of this website; I've given positive remarks on someone else's writing no less than three or four times.


That says something.

( Exactly what - I'm not sure. )
 
manuscriptx said:
In the six years I've been a member of this website; I've given positive remarks on someone else's writing no less than three or four times.


That says something.

( Exactly what - I'm not sure. )
Click to expand...

What is it that you write? What genre?
 
I have to agree with WriterJohnB. This isn't a story at all. It's a descriptive paragraph that would possibly open a story (unless there's more to it that I missed). A story (even a short one) needs a beginning, middle and end. A short story doesn't necessarily need a resolution, but it does need some kind of narrative flow that leaves the reader satisfied, IMO, of course.

But that said, I also agree with some of the others who've posted encouraging words and advice. Don't give up. Writing well is hard. Writing well enough to make money at it is harder. There's a definite learning curve. I had to rewrite my first novel (Eden Found) 13 times before it was good enough to publish. And I won't let ANYONE see the first few drafts. They were simply awful. But now I can pump out a pretty decent novel (according to many readers) in about four takes.

So keep plugging away, and good luck...Mars
 
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