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Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought

Lonesome Cowboy

Lonesome Cowboy

New Member
Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought

The Mexican desert sun slowly burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand. The agonizing man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses his hands against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife he looks up at his mother and little sister cowering under a mesquite tree. The Coyote looks up at Chico narrowing his eyes.

"Bastardo!" he screams as he winces in pain.

Chico´s mother holds her torn dress up to her chest her eyes wide in shock. His little sister buries her face in her mother´s lap hiding from the gruesome scene unfolding.

The boy looks at his knife, blood dripping onto the hot desert sand. The Coyote now writhing at the boy´s feet spurting blood from his mouth. Chico slowly kneels leaning close to the Coyote´s ear he whispers cooly :

"Libertad..."

He thrusts the blade deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the desert sun.
 
I had a few problems with the grammar, etc.

Lonesome Cowboy said:
Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought

The Mexican desert sun slowly burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand. If he's holding his guts in, the sun hardly seems a problem worth mentioning.The agonized man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses his hands against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife he looks up at his mother and little sister cowering under a mesquite tree. The Coyote looks up at Chico, narrowing his eyes. blood-soaked is used twice, might want to vary description.

"Bastardo!" he screams as he winces in pain.

Chico´s mother holds her torn dress up to her chest, her eyes wide in shock. His little sister buries her face in her mother´s lap, hiding from the gruesome scene unfolding.

The boy looks at his knife, blood dripping onto the hot desert sand. The Coyote now writhing at the boy´s feet spurting blood from his mouth. Chico slowly kneels. Leaning close to the Coyote´s ear, he whispers cooly :

"Libertad..."

He thrusts the blade deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the desert sun.
Click to expand...

The underlined parts are incomplete sentences.

Chico is standing. His mom and sister are cowering beneath a mesquite tree. It seems odd that he would look UP to them. If you mean he takes his eyes from the man on the ground, have him look OVER to them.

It's such a small sample of writing, but it's hard to judge. If it's meant as a prologue, it works quite well.

Hope that helps.

Johnb
 
Chico Cortez

Thank you so much WriterJohn. Your comments were right on the money.
You´re right, it is a prologue to a longer "Chico Cortez" story. Would you mind commenting on my other story "1921 Ford Roundabout" ? Thanks so much.
 
It works well as a prologue because it sets the setting as the American southwest, and sets the tone of the story - a struggle for liberty. It also explains the mindset of Chico and hints - at least to me - that he also fights for liberty on the behalf of his family.

Take care,

JohnB
 
WriterJohnB said:
It works well as a prologue because it sets the setting as the American southwest, and sets the tone of the story - a struggle for liberty. It also explains the mindset of Chico and hints - at least to me - that he also fights for liberty on the behalf of his family.

Take care,

JohnB
Click to expand...

Look at your first sentence. You used to set three times under two congugations. You're not trying to set a record, are you?

The first senctence might better have condescended, "The passage does well to provide a setting and establishes a theme - the struggle for liberty."

Furthermore, you should have responded in quote format, or in some way avoided opening your thoughts by rephrasing the prompt, which is characteristic of grade school themes. It's a little offsetting to find such remission in pedigogical responses.
 
helgi said:
Look at your first sentence. You used to set three times under two congugations. You're not trying to set a record, are you?

The first senctence might better have condescended, "The passage does well to provide a setting and establishes a theme - the struggle for liberty."

Furthermore, you should have responded in quote format, or in some way avoided opening your thoughts by rephrasing the prompt, which is characteristic of grade school themes. It's a little offsetting to find such remission in pedigogical responses.
Click to expand...


Oh, we're critiquing the critiques now are we? In that case, conjugations is spelled incorrectly, condescended is used incorrectly and pedagogical is also spelled incorrectly. Can you spell pedantic? Look it up, Mr. My I.Q. is 237.

Take care,

JohnB
 
Touche (with the accent egu).

I agree with John's critique regarding the grammar. However, I like the part about the sun because it paints a nice visual image. I like detail a great deal. I also think it is a very gripping beginning for a story and would entice me to read more. I will also check out "1921 Ford Roundabout" if you don't mind. Happy writing!
 
BeerWench13 said:
Touche (with the accent egu).

I agree with John's critique regarding the grammar. However, I like the part about the sun because it paints a nice visual image. I like detail a great deal. I also think it is a very gripping beginning for a story and would entice me to read more. I will also check out "1921 Ford Roundabout" if you don't mind. Happy writing!
Click to expand...

Thank you BeerWench for your time. I am honored that you´ve taken an interest in my short stories. BTW, what exactly about the grammar would you change ?
 
The incomplete sentences he mentioned should be modified.

As I stated previously, I liked the descriptiveness of the opening line about the blazing hot sun and the suspense built in describing a situation from its climax instead of its beginning.

I also agree that the use of "blood-soaked" more than once could be changed. Perhaps reading, "Gripping a knife, crimson with blood, he looks to his mother and little sister, cowering under a mesquite tree."
 
BeerWench13 said:
The incomplete sentences he mentioned should be modified.

As I stated previously, I liked the descriptiveness of the opening line about the blazing hot sun and the suspense built in describing a situation from its climax instead of its beginning.

I also agree that the use of "blood-soaked" more than once could be changed. Perhaps reading, "Gripping a knife, crimson with blood, he looks to his mother and little sister, cowering under a mesquite tree."
Click to expand...

Dang ! That´s some smooth writin´ right there girl. Thanks!

PS : I anxiously await your comments on " 1921 Ford " (good or bad).
 
WriterJohnB said:
Oh, we're critiquing the critiques now are we? In that case, conjugations is spelled incorrectly, condescended is used incorrectly and pedagogical is also spelled incorrectly. Can you spell pedantic? Look it up, Mr. My I.Q. is 237.

Take care,

JohnB
Click to expand...

It would be easy for me to fix a little spelling and replace condescension. But I think you misplace condescension far more often than I.
 
Oh, excuse me, doctor. I got you confused with the other Helgi, the one who has only read 15 books in his life and posted this.

Posted by Helgi, 9 Nov., 2007

well, I was a really bad student, like Einstein. This accounts for my ~15 books in part, but I also went to catholic school in secondary school, where we read bible passages and abridged material, inculding Romeo & Juliet, which I would read again in highschool. I didn't complete highschool, and while I was in I didn't do the assignments past ninth grade.
...so the number 15 was given in good faith. We are not all scholars.

End of quote.

I am reminded me of a another quote; maybe it's something you said, once upon a time, during a day well spent: "consistency is the hob-goblin of little minds."

Now can we get back to critiquing writers who have asked for input, which is the purpose of this site, rather than individual aggrandizement?

Take care,

JohnB
 
WriterJohnB said:
I am reminded me of a another quote; maybe it's something you said, once upon a time, during a day well spent: "consistency is the hob-goblin of little minds."
Click to expand...

I may have said, "You're a hob-goblin of a strange consistency, and I pay you little mind"
 
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