Cobra

[Vespertilio91]

Cobra

Cobra waiting in the grass,
You are never heard,
Stalking prey so stealthily,
The simple nesting bird.
But cobra you deceive so many,
And use so very little,
So why is it you need to feed,
On those who seem so brittle?

Again my friend, do you not see,
Of whom I speak is you;
I am the bird you fed upon,
Destroyed my life, it’s true.
You left me agonizing pain,
Along with bitter hate.
How could I have trusted you?
You deceiving, evil krait!

The usual...reviews, suggestions, reccommendations, etc.

 

[Fieldy]

I liked it, im usually more of a fan of metaphysical and surrealism but this is decent.

the viewpoint of the bird is effective

Of whom I speak is you;
I am the bird you fed upon

and the way that you use a word such as 'prey' and it becomes defined and adds depth to the poem.

Stalking prey so stealthily
So why is it you need to feed,
On those who seem so brittle?

The poem changes pace in the second verse, to make sure it keeps it rhythm in certain places ... which i read from somewhere is not good poem etiquette, but be the rebel cause i think it does no harm

I am the bird you fed upon,
Destroyed my life, it’s true.

The only real cringe is for it to be really really good, from just good/very good would to offer some symbolism.

 

[Vespertilio91]

I really don't think I need more symbolism, because the whole thing is a metaphor. Isn't that enough?

 

[Fieldy]

I would

But my brother thinks its excellent, and can easily see how it is a metaphor about being deceived; the strong preying on the weak.

 

[Vespertilio91]

But my brother thinks its excellent, and can easily see how it is a metaphor about being deceived; the strong preying on the weak.

That's one metaphor you (or he) can see, but there is another hidden in its lines. It's along the same lines, but has more to do with why I wrote this in the first place.

 

[sirmyk]

I think this poem would flow more naturally from the reader if you match your rhyming lines syllable for syllable. See below (syllable counts are in parens... like this)

Cobra
(7) Cobra waiting in the grass,
(5) You are never heard,
(6) Stalking prey so stealthily, ("stealthily" is a strange word; doesn't fit)
(6) The simple nesting bird. (maybe lose "The")

(see how the lines that are supposed to match up, don't quite match up lyrically?)

(9) But cobra you deceive so many, (maybe lose "But")
(7) And use so very little,
(8) So why is it you need to feed,
(7) On those who seem so brittle?

(all but the first line flows well)

(8) Again my friend, do you not see,
(6)Of whom I speak is you;
(8) I am the bird you fed upon,
(6)Destroyed my life, it’s true.

(this entire stanza flows great)

(8) You left me agonizing pain, ("agonizing" is the word with trouble here)
(6) Along with bitter hate.
(7) How could I have trusted you?
(7) You deceiving, evil krait! (maybe lose "You")

The matching of syllables is something I do with a lot of my poetry. It seems to help the lines roll off the tongue better. It isn't necessary, but try it, and see what you come up with. Read my edited version below, and let me know what you think:

(7) Cobra waiting in the grass,
(5) Never are you heard,
(7) Stalking prey so easily...
(5) Simple nesting bird.

(8) Cobra, you deceive so many,
(7) And use so very little, (I still don't get this line)
(8) So why is it you need to feed,
(7) On those who seem so brittle?

(8) Again my friend, do you not see,
(6) Of whom I speak is you;
(8) I am the bird you fed upon,
(6) Destroyed my life, it’s true.

(7) Left me in such horrid pain,
(6) Along with bitter hate.
(7) How could I have trusted you?
(6) Deceiving, evil krait!

 

[Vespertilio91]

Thank you for that enlightening suggestion, sirmyk. It was amazing. For the line you don't understand, I am saying that the snake tricks many things into giving him what he wants, but he never uses what he's given. He just takes advantage of them to take advantage of them. I hope that clears it up.

On the syllables, I understand where you're coming from, and enjoy reading your suggestions, but one of my qualities that I like to use on my rhyming poetry, is to switch off lengths of syllables so that every two lines matches the next two lines, but not exactly. Let me show you what I mean....

(7) Cobra waiting in the grass,
(5) You are never heard,
(6) Stalking prey so stealthily,
(6) The simple nesting bird.

7+5=12 6+6=12

(9) But cobra you deceive so many,
(7) And use so very little,
(8) So why is it you need to feed,
(7) On those who seem so brittle?

Okay, this one isn't perfect, but who said I was?

(8) Again my friend, do you not see,
(6)Of whom I speak is you;
(8) I am the bird you fed upon,
(6)Destroyed my life, it’s true.

8+6=14 8+6=14

(8) You left me agonizing pain,
(6) Along with bitter hate.
(7) How could I have trusted you?
(7) You deceiving, evil krait!

8+6=14 7+7=14

To me, each stanza has two lines of exact equal syllables, but not exactly matching. Otherwise, I feel that the lines are too melodic, too overheard. I want a new rhythm to beat along. Do you see what I mean?

p.s. I really like your suggestions for the revised edition. I'll have to save that and work on it. Great ideas.

 

[sirmyk]

I'll try your math on a few poems of my own and see what I come up with. I love combining mathematics with literature. I'm even working on a poem that symbolizes a palindromic sum!

 

[Vespertilio91]

That's really cool. I've never heard of using that before, but creativity is a wonderful thing. Go for it.