Constructive critism :)

[sonataro]

He grabs my wrist, Kai reaches over and Krish starts screeching. There are freeze burn marks on Krishes wrist!
" I'm going to grind you up into ice cubes! " Krish hisses.
" Keep talking fairy boy. "
" I'm an ANGEL! "
" A heavenly pain. " I chim in.

Any criticism? I'm glad to read it all! Anyone have any input on it?

 

[Meadow337]

Besides the grammar, it is hard to comment on such a short piece. It has potential and there is some evidence of conflict and humour that could develop into something interesting, but you'd really have to write / share more for a proper comment.

Corrected for your enlightenment :

As Krish grabbed my wrist, Kai reached over and Krish started screeching. There are freeze burn marks on Krish's wrist!

"I'm going to grind you up into ice cubes!" Krish hissed.

"Keep talking fairy boy."

"I'm an ANGEL!"

"A heavenly pain," I chimed in.

 

[Zach Ezo]

I agree, hard to really critique random dialogue without knowing the context it is set in. Freeze burns is an odd phrase. It made me stumble, sounds a bit too much like freezer burn. Also, it's considered bad form to use an exclamation point outside of dialogue for emphasis.

The car exploded!

I'm just relaying what most style books have to say on that matter.

Nice revision Meadow. What do you charge to edit? I got a few manuscripts...

 

[Meadow337]

lol sorry I'm not an editor, just a pain in the rear end about grammar and spelling

 

[nammy]

well dont you think its way too short to understand...not to say about commenting on it?