tommydarascal
kickbox
Hi everyone!
I have been writing a story for more than a year now, and it is called (if you haven't guessed already) Darkest Vengeance. So far I'm 81 pages in, which I know isn't a lot but I have almost given up on it. I'm trying not to, though!
Anyway, this is the prologue. The prologue actually happens after a lot of the story, and I revisit what happened before afterward. Please tell me what you think.
(Prologue)
The darkness concealed him. The rusty swings swayed in the damp wind, and the merry go round shrieked as it turned. The black grass, glinted with silver moonlight, waved subtly with the trees. The purple clouds above floated low in the air, producing a light fog that obscured his vision. The black slide, the climbing frame and the other children’s apparatus rotted in the rain, and became enthralled with an unlimited amount of rust. He looked around, scanning his eyes upon the empty shapes and seeing if they would come into any use. Then, he heard a clanking, a fast paced movement, something important, something he was looking for.
A train racketed in front of him. He looked before himself, and saw that an oxidized, eroded fence parted him from it. Just beyond that, a live, open railway track could be seen. His black eyes sparkled for a slight moment, and he flicked back his slick, black hair, drenched in the pouring rain.
He had to get on a train. He couldn’t be seen. There was only one question that sprung to his mind … how?
The light flooded from the windows, and smartly – dressed citizens could be seen inside, reading newspapers, drinking steaming coffees, and … looking out the window! He lay beneath the grass, pressing his face against the muddy ground, hoping – praying – that nobody saw him.
He noticed that as the train pulled into the junction, it slowed down and then stopped for a few seconds. Then, it continued with its travels. ‘He was right,’ he thought.
As the train’s noise died down, the traffic – noise took its place, becoming heard from the city not far away … becoming heard from the city that he was trying to get away from.
About half an hour later, the next train was within earshot, and he groped the ground with his whole body, pressing his breast against the sloppy grass. He was thinking … he now knew how to get on the train, but how was he going to keep invisible from the outside world? And worst of all … was he going to carry out this drastic idea successfully?
He quickly prepared for the next train; he crouched on his legs and hid behind the merry go round until the current train went away.
When it did, he climbed over the fence with the lashing droplets from the sky soaking his every move. Then, he quickly hid behind an electronic box, filled with wires and cables, and waited until the next train came along. When it came, he was going to have to be fast, and what was worse, he was going to have to be unseen and deadly silent.
It then arrived at the junction. ‘Well,’ he thought, ‘let the escape begin.’
***
The headlights flooded the ground. That little box was all he had for protection …
He hid his legs and the rest of his body the best he could in its shadows, pressing himself against the metal. The headlights were becoming closer and closer, and he was already in trouble of darkness as it was. He pressed himself, squeezed, and pushed as hard as he could against that little metal box, hoping and praying, begging, even, that he wouldn’t be seen. “I won’t be seen”, he said, “I won’t be seen.”
As the shadows moved, so did he. The noise was becoming unbearable; the light was becoming dangerous. As the shadows minimised, and the chance of him getting seen maximised, he was moving around it as fast as he could, trying to block out the horrendous noise of the passing train. Then, when there were no shadows left, he could no longer rely on darkness, but the object itself. The whole area was flooded with the light, flooded with the dangerous golden steam. He pressed his back against the edge of the box, with his spine crippling…
As the train moved past, racketing along, a little light licked the edge of his head, making certain he was in danger. He pushed his head downward, scrunching himself up like a paper ball, telling himself, convincing himself, “I will not be seen. I will not be seen.”
The train swept along, pulling such a force of wind that he almost fell over. But there was no time to hang about. There was more light to come. Once again, he squeezed, telling himself that nobody would see him.
However, the headlights were just the start of this nightmare. The light was screaming out of the windows that were passing … he was bound to be seen with only a tiny little box for protection …
But it was all he had. He hugged the metal with his back, trying to become concealed in darkness. But the problem was, there was no darkness to become concealed in. Once again, he had to rely on this tiny electronic mechanism and hope that the light wouldn’t reach him …
This time, though, hope was not enough. It was like a small little pebble, trying to hold back the enormous waves of the sea. The light was lapping against him like the ocean; there was no way he could hide from it now. The light shone on him like the sun on summer’s day – there was no doubt about it, but there was still hope. After all, it wasn’t the light he was worried about … it was if he was seen.
All he could do now was watch … but even if he was seen … there was nothing he could do.
After the windows had passed, the train slowed down, and he knew what to do. With one enormous jump, he grabbed onto the rear of the train, holding onto whatever the train could provide with his slippery fingers. With a gigantic heave, he hauled himself up onto the roof of the train, holding tightly onto two objects that stuck out of the train’s roof like splinters. He was ready for action.
Then the escape commenced.
I have been writing a story for more than a year now, and it is called (if you haven't guessed already) Darkest Vengeance. So far I'm 81 pages in, which I know isn't a lot but I have almost given up on it. I'm trying not to, though!
Anyway, this is the prologue. The prologue actually happens after a lot of the story, and I revisit what happened before afterward. Please tell me what you think.
(Prologue)
The darkness concealed him. The rusty swings swayed in the damp wind, and the merry go round shrieked as it turned. The black grass, glinted with silver moonlight, waved subtly with the trees. The purple clouds above floated low in the air, producing a light fog that obscured his vision. The black slide, the climbing frame and the other children’s apparatus rotted in the rain, and became enthralled with an unlimited amount of rust. He looked around, scanning his eyes upon the empty shapes and seeing if they would come into any use. Then, he heard a clanking, a fast paced movement, something important, something he was looking for.
A train racketed in front of him. He looked before himself, and saw that an oxidized, eroded fence parted him from it. Just beyond that, a live, open railway track could be seen. His black eyes sparkled for a slight moment, and he flicked back his slick, black hair, drenched in the pouring rain.
He had to get on a train. He couldn’t be seen. There was only one question that sprung to his mind … how?
The light flooded from the windows, and smartly – dressed citizens could be seen inside, reading newspapers, drinking steaming coffees, and … looking out the window! He lay beneath the grass, pressing his face against the muddy ground, hoping – praying – that nobody saw him.
He noticed that as the train pulled into the junction, it slowed down and then stopped for a few seconds. Then, it continued with its travels. ‘He was right,’ he thought.
As the train’s noise died down, the traffic – noise took its place, becoming heard from the city not far away … becoming heard from the city that he was trying to get away from.
About half an hour later, the next train was within earshot, and he groped the ground with his whole body, pressing his breast against the sloppy grass. He was thinking … he now knew how to get on the train, but how was he going to keep invisible from the outside world? And worst of all … was he going to carry out this drastic idea successfully?
He quickly prepared for the next train; he crouched on his legs and hid behind the merry go round until the current train went away.
When it did, he climbed over the fence with the lashing droplets from the sky soaking his every move. Then, he quickly hid behind an electronic box, filled with wires and cables, and waited until the next train came along. When it came, he was going to have to be fast, and what was worse, he was going to have to be unseen and deadly silent.
It then arrived at the junction. ‘Well,’ he thought, ‘let the escape begin.’
***
The headlights flooded the ground. That little box was all he had for protection …
He hid his legs and the rest of his body the best he could in its shadows, pressing himself against the metal. The headlights were becoming closer and closer, and he was already in trouble of darkness as it was. He pressed himself, squeezed, and pushed as hard as he could against that little metal box, hoping and praying, begging, even, that he wouldn’t be seen. “I won’t be seen”, he said, “I won’t be seen.”
As the shadows moved, so did he. The noise was becoming unbearable; the light was becoming dangerous. As the shadows minimised, and the chance of him getting seen maximised, he was moving around it as fast as he could, trying to block out the horrendous noise of the passing train. Then, when there were no shadows left, he could no longer rely on darkness, but the object itself. The whole area was flooded with the light, flooded with the dangerous golden steam. He pressed his back against the edge of the box, with his spine crippling…
As the train moved past, racketing along, a little light licked the edge of his head, making certain he was in danger. He pushed his head downward, scrunching himself up like a paper ball, telling himself, convincing himself, “I will not be seen. I will not be seen.”
The train swept along, pulling such a force of wind that he almost fell over. But there was no time to hang about. There was more light to come. Once again, he squeezed, telling himself that nobody would see him.
However, the headlights were just the start of this nightmare. The light was screaming out of the windows that were passing … he was bound to be seen with only a tiny little box for protection …
But it was all he had. He hugged the metal with his back, trying to become concealed in darkness. But the problem was, there was no darkness to become concealed in. Once again, he had to rely on this tiny electronic mechanism and hope that the light wouldn’t reach him …
This time, though, hope was not enough. It was like a small little pebble, trying to hold back the enormous waves of the sea. The light was lapping against him like the ocean; there was no way he could hide from it now. The light shone on him like the sun on summer’s day – there was no doubt about it, but there was still hope. After all, it wasn’t the light he was worried about … it was if he was seen.
All he could do now was watch … but even if he was seen … there was nothing he could do.
After the windows had passed, the train slowed down, and he knew what to do. With one enormous jump, he grabbed onto the rear of the train, holding onto whatever the train could provide with his slippery fingers. With a gigantic heave, he hauled himself up onto the roof of the train, holding tightly onto two objects that stuck out of the train’s roof like splinters. He was ready for action.
Then the escape commenced.