Despotism, a very very short poem

[Acolyte]

The usual goes, please give me any and all criticism, good and bad, that will help me improve. That's why it's here. Admittedly, this is a bit less wordy and poem-esque than some of the other things I've posted here, but hopefully it still has a quirky meaning. Disclaimer: This isn't about relationships in general, but a particular brand of them, which I feel it is my born duty to rescue guys (and if the other way, girls) from. *grin*


Despotism
(9/25/03)
Ross Shingledecker

when he brings her flowers as a surprise
she whispers sweet nothings
he
weighted down by her ephemeral words
holds the door.

How strange a shape that this affection takes,
That unrequited love a despot makes.

 

[Occam's Razor]

First, why did you capitalize the first letters of the couplet at the bottom and not the first letters of rest of the poem? Second, did you intentionally make the poem short in a desperate attempt to get people to read it without getting bogged down by length? Because It would be nice for you to eleaborate a bit more perhaps on the idea of despotism in the poem.

 

[bobbyburns]

he really did that stuff because he wanted to piss you off.

 

[Acolyte]

To be honest, it's short because I composed it in the shower while musing about a friend and how to tell him to get over a girl who was using him, and I liked the way it was without cluttering it with excess verbiage.

I capitalized the end bit because it's the real point of the poem--the front stuff is an amusing (at least to me) vignette. It also happens to be iambic pentameter, which is cool even if it was accidental.

I also used line breaks instead of punctuation in the first part, for no good reason. *grin*

All in all, it's more tongue in cheek and less serious that what I usually write and show to other people, but hey, a guy can't be scrubbing in the mud while gazing at the stars ALL the time. This is a roll-on-the-grass poem.

 

[novella]

All I can say about this poem is that it works fine, except for the main premise. I just don't get the despot thing. It doesn't seem justified by anything else in the poem, and yet it's also in the title. I mean, if there is some resentment going on or some feeling of compulsion, it's not being shown.

Also, words like flowers and door are very generic. Think you can warm this up with more precision.

 

[Acolyte]

The first part is supposed to be massively vague and universal-ish.

I thought about removing flowers and putting "a small gift" or something, but decided against it.

What I mean by "despot" is that the girl (in this story, at least), is much like the so-called "enlightened despots" of history (Catherine the Great of Russia, the king of Prussia at that time, and the Austrian emperor at the time, if I remember correctly), who purported to help out the people they ruled absolutely, but didn't really do much, and still thrived off the pain and work of others.

The guy is smitten with the girl, and she revels in her power over him, leading him on enough to keep him by her side like a small dog, but knowing that she'll never give him what he wants (her love), because she doesn't view him as important. He doesn't know this, because he's so blinded by his emotion, that he accepts degredation as it allows him to be close to her.

It's a pretty archetypal relationship (at least in high school *grin*). Oops, showed my age (or the lack thereof). And it's not always the girl doing the despoting.

To cease rambling--do you think making the first part much more specific, as in an actual revelation of a specific example of this type of relationship, would enfore the meaning of the couplet?

 

[novella]

I just read the guy as compliant, but I'm not getting despotism from the girl at all.

I mean, if the guy were to say . . .


Shall I spread myself beneath her feet, smell the back of her knees like a dog?
Abased, I trail behind her fleeting form, half angry but ecstatic
Dry-mouthed and wanting to lay my shaking hand on her white thigh.


. . . I would understand that he feels subjected somehow.

To me, this is abasement. It still doesn't show her attitude, but you can't do that if you are writing from his POV. You only have his perceptions.

 

[Acolyte]

Perhaps we are looking at 'despot' differently.

I mean it in the sense that the girl has absolute power here, not necessarily that she's actively oppressing him. I thought that was what 'despot' meant--and autocrat, with a connotative association with oppression. The subjugation comes from his infatuation with her--he's ceded control of himself to her, but because she does not love him in return, there's none of the compromising or back-and-forth or mutual care that marks a more healthy relationship.

The POV is supposed to be an outsider commenting, if anything, not so much what he's thinking.

 

[novella]

he's ceded control of himself to her, but because she does not love him in return, there's none of the compromising or back-and-forth or mutual care that marks a more healthy relationship.

This is not shown in the poem. What you do show is that he give her flowers and holds the door, but how do we know she doesn't love him? How do we know, from this little scene, that there is no back and forth? In fact, she does say something nice about the flowers, right? I get that you are thinking that she's paying lip service and that he's sincere, but you're not showing that.

The POV is supposed to be an outsider commenting, if anything, not so much what he's thinking.

This is a more important point: Even if it is an outsider commenting, the perception of the emotional exchange needs to be communicated. In other words, who is the voice and why do they perceive this situation as such? Or do they know something more about this relationship or similar relationships? Why is the outsider commenting on this exchange? Who are we getting inside here?

IMO, no matter whose POV the poem is written from, the emotional content and perception has to be present. It seems obvious to me that the state of mind that's central to the poem is the guy's. If, indeed, it is the observer's, then that has to be made clear and justified, in terms of, Why does the observer read these actions in this way?

Not sure if I'm making the point here, but it is a crucial one, I think.

 

[leckert]

Hey, Acolyte, I don't know what Novella is yapping about, but I thought the poem was pretty cool. I did get the "despotism" in it. I think adding anything would risk ruination.

Drop another "pentameter" on his ass, he'll leave you alone!

 

[leckert]

Novella,

I do think her lack of love for him is shown by her lack of response for his chivalry.

The "sweet nothings" and "ephemeral words" as Acolyte put it.

I also think the poem speaks no only to this particular couple, but to the unrequieted acts of love that men have been performing since there have been men.

But, even more than the eloquence and directness of the poem, I think the iambic pentameter was the coup de gras!

where's my thesaurus...

 

[novella]

Hey, Acolyte, I don't know what Novella is yapping about, but I thought the poem was pretty cool. I did get the "despotism" in it. I think adding anything would risk ruination.

Drop another "pentameter" on his ass, he'll leave you alone!

Nice, leckert. Actually, Acolyte specifically asked me to yap about this. Plus, I am a girl. Plus this poem is NOT written in iambic pentameter. For instance, the first line scans with four iambs, not five.

What were you saying?

 

[leckert]

I'm just having fun.

I do think my comment that adding more would ruin it is a valid one, though.

Obviously, I wouldn't know an iamb from a toaster oven, so my 'technical' input is naught.

Sorry about the gender confusion. I will check next time.

I hope you are taking this with the humor in which it was written. I certainly don't intend to offend.

I'll butt out now.

 

[novella]

You don't have to butt out! I'm game. It's super when everyone has an opinion. If only everyone would plunge into the Writer's Showcase with such gusto.

 

[leckert]

Thanks!

I'm enjoying my first day! Hopefully, I can get some feedback on my posts.

This should be fun, Novella!

 

[Acolyte]

I'm sorry, novella, I'm not grasping your POV point (pun not intended). And I don't mean to say it isn't valid or there, only that I'm not getting it right now for whatever reason. I know you've got something, as it's you, and I understand the need to see a POV in general, but I'm not making the leap to this application.

About not seeing a back and forth, the small scene is supposed to be typical of every interaction the couple has. I do see how that might not come across.

Perhaps rather than the first part proving the last part, the last part lends context to the first part. Because the reader's being told that their relationship is like a despot-peasant relationship, you can look at the first part through that lens, and fill in a lot of the context with your mind. Maybe that just means I'm to lazy as a poet to tell the whole story. *grin*

And leckhert, novella is forcing me to think about this formerly whimsical poem in ways I haven't before, and I owe her greatly for that, and thank her for what she's doing. I also appreciate your commentary as well, though it does make me fear this poem comes across as a bit, umm, anti-female. Which isn't the point. Is anyone else getting woman-hating vibes from this?