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Does This Sound Corny?

-Carlos-

New Member
I have some short stories that I (truly) would rather trash than display online. Does this very brief excerpt of a story I wrote called Bottomless sound at all acceptable (yeah, right)? Criticize please. It's hard for me to tell if it's garbage or not.

Don't laugh!

The lecturer’s dull monotone sank into her like a dead weight, making her muscles numb and her brain lag. Her deep brown eyes shifting across the room like brush strokes, finding no attraction that would spark her senses. The small room was filled with businessmen in suits sitting lumpishly in stiff-plastic, non-cushioned seats as the narcotic lecturer continued forth hypnotically.

Scoping her surroundings, she came upon a figure in the back of the room. He appeared lost in thought, but his manner revealed something different- his whole essence screamed what his body conspicuously exclaimed, a depletion of self, joylessness; loneliness. His head, tilted down slightly, fixed in a cold-like, stony pose. She wondered what had happened to this poor soul that caused in him such pain.

She stared at him like outstretched hands, fingers caressing his tight, pale cheeks compassionately. The poor man finally veered his look upward, meeting her eyes and instantly understanding her empathy.

I know, don't tell me, rotten to the core.
 
You really need to chill on the simile/metaphor in this excerpt it makes this way too muddy. Also, your tenses are all over the place.
 
The story now shifts to a later time:

********

At its zenith the sun blazed scalding waves of humid fire. The traffic, a parking lot of choking smoke, horns, and construction detour signs, filled his weary sight. A vagrant, with a cardboard sign and a paper cup, began his round of pleads a few cars up the street.

Jim’s depleted eyes, upon a group of sparrows, peaking, skipping and ascending from the curve, were adrift. His absent daze in an unconscious fantasy- an earlier episode of gloom had invaded his brain.



_
 
i loved your muddy writing. i might get tired of it after a few hundred pages though. make the story muddy with descriptions, and straightforward when it comes to plot and dialog
 
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