hi and thanks, i'm not here to justify my poem and i'm not here to change anything (yet), but i'm here to think about what you said and that what i will do!
Acolyte said:
Line 4's "private, inner" is redundant--I think that if the word "inner" was replaced by a powerful adjective (two syllables, to keep the rhythm), that line would be a lot stronger...for example, "selfish" or "winsome" or "clever" (though all of those have the potential to alter the poem).
i like the idea, but i don't think that it would quite catch what i tried to say, i try to make you, the reader, feel what i felt in this moment and it was nothing really clever or strong, it was more a kind of loneliness, that you can only sort out for yourself, with your own thoughts and this thoughts are nothing but private, they have no power and they have no light to them, they are plain depressing, but you still try to make the best out of it, a party!
hard to explain, but i don't think that i'm able to change that, but...
Acolyte said:
Line 7 I like, first because I love to dance and just the mention of it makes me smile inside, but also because you move from a normal, unexciting activity to an evocative one. However, Line 8 has a similar construction by lacks that jump form the mundane to the meaningful, and so the effect is hampered. If you could parallel the meaning of Line 8 to that of Line 7 (like an analogy--"walk" is to "dance" as "smell" is to what?, or you could swap "smell" for something else), it would really be cool.!
i know and that was the line that really made me feel bad and it was the only one, where i couldn't work myself into it, os if you have any ideas i would appreachiate it!
in this line i'm open for everything and would love to make changes. [/QUOTE]
Acolyte said:
The ending is a bit weaker than the immediately preceeding lines...though there's nothing wrong with them. I'm not sure what I'd do there.!
i don't think there weaker, i think there i just came to the point what i wanted to say all along, even if i have to be honest, and say that this whole poem took me maybe 5 minutes and the last two lines just came while i was writing, but everytime i read it aloud i became more quiet in this lines. i think that is because if you read it the way i do, you get really aggressive in the beginning and try to justify what you feel and in the end you just give up, because you know that nobody knows you and nobody will ever understand you. kind of...
Acolyte said:
I don't like this one quite as much...the title is very literal and doesn't really invite me as a reader to explore further. However, as I do read, I'm not really hooked (the opening two lines really don't grab my attention) until I get to Line 6, which is AMAZING. I'm not sure if it just speaks to me personally, or to that feeling of putting on an act all the time, but it rocks. !
i try to come not so strong this time, i try to explain what this symbol the clown has, what no other symbol gives to me, and i like this line with the mask too, i was not sure with the spelling of RIPS (sp?), but in this moment i think i didn't care, and in this line i get into this personal stuff again, from line 6 it kind of is me and that feeling i could never really explain.
Acolyte said:
Unfortunately, as I'm rushing headlong at the rest of the poem, being brought up to a melancholy high, I get to Line 8, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense (to try what?), and then the ending couplet, which is pretty depressing. Depressing isn't bad, per se, but in 10 lines you transition from wanting to be a clown, to the cool things that clowns do, to a commentary on clowns, to their plight, to their death. Finishing the poem, I as a reader am lost, getting hit with these images one after each other. That might be your intent, and it certainly made me think (which might also be the point of poetry), but it didn't leave me feeling like I had gained as much as I did from reading the first one.
that's alright, i'm not really intent to touch anybody but myself, in this lines because this lines is exactly what i see in me, and if you want to understand the last part of the poem, just try to see it this way, this clown goes out there and makes everybody happy, you see him and you would never think that his world would ever tremble, but it does, and then he screams and cries, like everybody else would, but there is nobody there, nobody who would try to rescue him, nobody who wants to kill his suicide will.
thank you
