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Estranged - a short poem

E

*~EMMER~*

New Member
A friend of mine asked for me to post his poem on here so he could see what other people thought of his poem. So this is his poem, exactly, i havnt changed anything. All replies welcome, good or bad.

Estranged

I'm at he door
Don't push me through
I'll make it on my own

In the middle of a lake
An island
Standing alone, strong

And from that place i'll cometh
Wreathed in the fire and flame

And never more shall I look upon
This darkened world again
 
I no that i posted the poem, but seeing as it isnt mine, i think im allowed to show my views on the poem too.

ok 1. wheres the punctuation? in the whole peice i only see one comma and thats it?!?

number 2. its not very long, and there isnt any description at all. does anyone else find that the lack of description is weird? coz personally i want to know if the door is big/small/dark/etc and we know the island is on its own but again is there any trees? or is it a dead island with nothing living on it?

3. cometh??? what happened to come? does anyone find this a neccessary bit to the poem? if you do...why?

kk i'm done :D
 
Personally, I think the poem has good features: the rhythm is good and the rhyme at the end (flame, again) really works well and has great impact.

However, the poem itself ... I just don't understand it really. I think the writer knows what they are trying to express, but it's just not getting through to the reader. In other words, I think they need to be clearer with what they say.

The description element is a very valid point as well.
 
Hmm. It's good. Only real criticism I have is that I don't think "cometh" is in the right verb tense. Also, it is an older English form of the word, and the rest of the poem isn't written in Shakespearean English, so it sort of distracts. Everything else is great--I especially like the phrase "wreathed in fire and flame." There's something so attractive about it.
 
but would you class 'wreathed' as old english?? im not sure about it. it sounds a bit oldie. cloaked might be better?? wreathed just makes me think of christmas :D ahhhhh christmas:D
 
Not really. It isn't used as often anymore but I still hear it occasionally. It's a fancier word for "crowned." "Cloaked" isn't strong enough; "wreathed" implies the fire is worn as a crown. Almost like the speaker was given that title by others. "Cloaked" could imply the fire is being used to hide the speaker, which I don't think was his/her intention.
 
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