First ever poem

[thenib]

As a guy whose heart has been broken way too many times, I started writing poetry as a kind of release.
This will be the first public showing of any of them.

To Hold You.

I’d love to hold you one last time
Before this body dies
To touch your hair
To see you smile
To look into your eyes
If I could live my life again
I know which path I’d take
Because if I had you near me
I wouldn’t have this ache
I’ll think about you everyday
Til my heart beats one last time
Then I’ll close my eyes
Imagine you’re here
And hold you in my mind





thenib

 

[PDC]

I liked the first too lines the best. It is hard to give feedback when obviously this is written based on a personal experience. I would myself made it maybe little more open. Like for example the lines

Because if I had you near me
I wouldn’t have this ache
I’ll think about you everyday
Til my heart beats one last time
Then I’ll close my eyes
Imagine you’re here
And hold you in my mind

Like this

You near me
I wouldn’t have this ache
Everyday
Heart beats one last time
I’ll close my eyes
Imagine you’re here
Hold you in my mind

Or something Because I believe all loves are unique. Try to get that in there so your writing will reflect that

edit. Ok, my edit was crap, but you get the point :lol:

 

[Peder]

I seldom comment, but I do this time because I liked it very much. However, I think the following two lines are weak

Because if I had you near me
I wouldn’t have this ache

Without them, I would see your thoughts parsed out at 5-2-5 in terms of lines, with the remaining middle two providing a strong tight statment.

Just one reader's thoughts.
I still like it. :flowers:

 

[Peder]

As an afterthought, after I posted, I surmised you must be writing to the 14-line form, in which case my thought for a stronger pair of lines right there still stands. Aching (heart) strikes me as bland and familiar by now.
Biut I'm only a vagrant reader wandering through, not a poet, so feel free to ignore whatever I have said. Except for the part that says I like your poem.