Give a read, please

[LadyAwesome]

This isn't anything I'm working on, but I just want to see what people think of my writing style, I want to know if it's captivating. NOTE: this is all off the top of my head.

The sky was dark and the night still, one could tell by the eery silence that something had happened... or was happening. I could feel it too as I slipped out of my master's bedroom window; the moon was calling to us all. I could hear my clanmates call, and I couldn't help but call to them as I ran across the open field behind my Dayhome. At night, the world was my home.

I could smell everything, I could hear everything, and I could taste the excitement of the hunt that was soon to begin. Zufang, the alpha male, was the first to come into my sight, he was an Alaskan Malamute with a showcase coat. And, believe it or not, the Alpha queen was a Miniature Pinscher. Her name was Bronzepaw, and she was a force to be reckoned with.
You see, we are not wolves; we are dogs, we are Dogs of the Moon.

 

[SevenWritez]

*Falls to the floor laughing*

The dog part was hilarious. *wipes tears away*

Anyhow, as for your writing, I've seen worse in published novels, and I've seen better, so what I'm saying is that you're competent. Also, don't ask for judgement on writing STYLE, because--as much as critics and probably some folks here hate to admit it--very rarely is a writing style what a reader cares about. You've heard of Harry Potter haven't you? Yeah. Great book, horrible prose.

Another fun example: Number9Dream, one of my favorite novels of all time, bored me to all hell until page 86, and out of nowhere the book took a right turn and lead my hand down an amazing story; the writing style hadn't changed at all.

From what little I can see, your writing is fine, now go work on something you enjoy, and don't worry about what some douche bag over the internet (that's me!) says.

 

[LadyAwesome]

Here's a piece from something else I've written...
I spaced the paragraphs for easier reading.

“Wait! I still need you two!” He hollered after them, but it did no good. Scared and confused, he held tightly to the small crystal. His stomach growled and he was hungry, he was lonely and scared and fat. Things would want to eat him. He thought over and over about how he wanted to go home and eat steak and lounge around and make people angry by doing nothing. He missed being lazy. Hell, if lazy were a person, he’d marry them. Instead, he was startled by the sudden noises and smells he could now pick up. He could hear the small pitter-patter of critters around him, he could smell the various scented trees and flowers, and his sight, he could see a larger array of colors than ever before. He looked around in amazement at how bright and lively his world seemed, and then he let his instincts take over, and began to cry.

He cried for a long time, hollering for someone to help him, how he was a poor defenseless fat kid (adding a lot of pain and horror in the fat part) who was hungry and defenseless, but the only voice he heard was his own, now growing hoarse, and the distant roar of the nearing storm. It wouldn’t be long before it grew windy and light rain picked up. And that’s when it hit him to do something he never did; run. He ran long and hard, panting and wheezing away, he ran for miles (with plenty of breaks in between) without realizing so before he collapsed in desert sand in the middle of the beaming and blazing sun. No longer was he near any sort of greenery, and he dreaded that he’d run so blindly, for now he was tired and even hungrier… And thirsty.
He forced himself to his feet and began to complain. Loudly.

“Blasted blinkin stupid Ravenous, what the hell gives it rights to be such a jerk, huh? I had my whole day planned out, and none of it consisted this military practice! And those stupid dragons, what the hell’d they leave me out there for, friggin blasted blinkin-“ With a loud thud, Theo was knocked to the sand, he’d crashed into something in the midst of his rant. He looked up to see what he’d crashed into and became almost as pale as the sand. It was Nachte, and she was glaring at him.

“ Stupid am I?” Was all she said before opening her mouth to show her rows of sharp teeth, serrated and yellowed, they made poor Theo wet himself. He began to cry and, once again, blamed it all on his fatness that this misfortune had come to him. Just as Nachte was about to snap, a white figure landed harshly in the sand, spraying it all over Theo, who thought it to be a godsend. It was Ea.

“I was hoping you’d be a bit later, then I could find out what fat people taste like.” Said Nachte, she licked her chops thoroughly, as if to make it very clear she would eat poor Theo if she ever were given the chance. Theo gulped hard.
“So, exactly how late are we talking, my love? Theo would not have made it so far without our help.” Ea said in a cool tone, it was obvious he was annoyed, and Theo made sure he stayed close to him at all times. Even though he felt like Ea might just eat him out of anger, he knew Nachte would eat him out of spite. He clumsily scrambled over to Ea, sand kicking up as Ea extended a wing to shade him. Nachte eyes turned to slits and she turned away angrily, saying coldly “you can keep that pet of yours, but I will not tolerate his disrespect. You’d better teach him the ways before it’s too late.” She took to the skies with much difficulty, for there was no wind in the desert. After a moment, Ea looked down at Theo, who was a sweaty, stinky mess.

 

[rustynath]

Ive read the first story opening, but unfortunately do not have time to read the above at the moment. The story begining is intresting and I would certainly have read more had it been avalible. Well done.

 

[manuscriptx]

Not much.

I read your poem and my critique is as follows :



1. Opening lines should be either one normal sentence long or a compound sentence as descriptive as it can be to give that window into the entire scene you're going to write.

- You describe three things when they should all be combined as one : the sky was dark, the night being still and the eerie silence of something happening.

- You use the word " or " and that breaks the reading flow. For me, it says you're indecisive in painting the picture/tell the tale.

- You say " I could feel it too " putting yourself in the narration, third doesn't work. Don't do that until you do something as a character in the writing, then use descriptions like " feel ".

- You use the word " could or couldn't " by my count six different times.
That's too much. When using any words, simple or complex, try to use it once every one to two paragraphs if not more. Use a thesaurus so you won't have to use the same word to describe something.

Other than that, I get the scene you're trying to paint, it's a good start.

 

[LadyAwesome]

I'm a bit confused by that, but here is why I write the way I do:

-I try to describe things just enough so that people have a vague idea of what's going on, allowing them to fill in the blanks. I know this works because I've had several people, readers and non-readers crtique me on it. Some didn't get it, but others did.

-I started it the way I did because I don't like a lot of descriptions in books, I like to make up my own scenes as I read and a lot of the times that slows me down because I'm constantly looking in a dictionary wondering what the hell they're trying to describe.

-I prefer to bring more personality to my characters than the surroundings, mainly because if I can do that, then I don't need a lot of scene description fillers (and generally, by the end of the page, I've forgotten what flowers they describe or even what the character looks like, and I love to read) because people are more interested in the characters and their personalities.

-I am a science nerd, and when I actually sit down and write with time to think, there is a science behind what I'm writing and an absolute reason why I chose those words.

-My vocabulary is vast, but not that vast; I like to keep the words simple so I don't give my PG-13 readers a blinkin' headache.

-I write books how I see it in my head rather than by what words work. Lol, I guess I need to do some proof-reading, yeah?

-I'm only 17

I just love critiques! Keep 'em coming! I enjoy hearing what folks have to say about my writing. I'd post a taste of my real work, but it's a secret, so SHHH!

Also, what makes it a poem? It was just a brief little poof of an intro to something.

 

[Occlith]

I just want to see what people think of my writing style, I want to know if it's captivating.

I'm not sure about captivating. I did like the Dogs of the Moon. The second entry was okay. I liked this line Hell, if lazy were a person, he’d marry them.