Gladiators

[Duvodas]

This is something I was thinking about for days, but it wouldn't take shape in my mind, until today. I hope you enjoy it.

The thunderous cheering of the crowd suffocated the scream of the dying man as he fell heavily to the sand. Staring at the sky, he blinked in shock, pressed his hands on the injured ribs as if trying to contain the stream of blood that came out of them. The blood felt hot on his hands and fingers, and although it was not a new sensation to him, he felt as if it was the first time he had sensed it. The pain became more intensive and he realized what had happened. His lips twisted in a smile and blood poured from his mouth and ran down his neck. I’m free, he murmured, so low that he couldn’t even hear it.
The wind blew fiercely and the scattered sand crashed on his face. He closed his eyes and opened them again only to see a human shadow standing above him. He couldn’t see the face, for the sun shone upon open his back and absorbed his features concealed by an helmet, but he clearly remembered the face from the day before when he had seen him training in the ludi. From that moment, he knew he would die within minutes the next day, when he would have to fight him. And so it had been.
He discerned as the shadow raised a finger to the crowd and turned around so that everybody could see it. The shouts of the crowd were so mixed that he barely heard what they yelled. He saw the standing man look down at him and instantly new what had been the answer: death!
He closed his eyes again.
The fighter tossed his gladius aside and removed a knife from his belt. Kneeling, his two hands crossed around the hilt of the blade and plunged it in the chest of the fallen man. There was no scream this time. Again, the crowds cheered loudly and shouted the name of the winner, which resounded in the walls of the Coliseum like a storm.
Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus!
The gladiator wiped the knife clean on the ripped skirt of the fallen man. He knew his name, but he had never met him. For him, he had been another man, another soul, another kill, and yet, his soul had filled with sorrow as his blade had tore the man’s heart. For how long would I be doing this? He asked himself but the answer he did not find.
“Shall your soul find the way to the underworld and walk with the heroes in the halls of Pluto’s palace,” he murmured. Reaching for the gladius, he stood up. The sun shone upon his tall figure and his ears filled once again with the sound of the bloodthirsty crowd. He raised his gladius high in the sky, and the sun shone upon it, sending sparkles of light to the people, who blinked as the reflection hit their eyes. Nevertheless, they kept screaming his name.
Decimus smiled, the crowd loved him, and the least he could do for them was to offer and spectacle that they would enjoy. Kill to survive or die to be eaten by the beasts. That was his life, the life of a gladiator.
Putting down his sword, Decimus swiftly headed to the black gates from which he had come from, the gates of life and death, the gates that one day, he would enter as a dead corpse.

 

[Duvodas]

Good? Bad? Regular?

 

[veggiedog]

The thunderous cheering of the crowd suffocated (do you mean 'stifled' or 'muffled'?) the scream of the dying man as he fell heavily (just a warning beforehand--beware of adverbs) to the sand. Staring at the sky, he blinked in shock, pressed his hands on the ('his'?) injured ribs as if (is he really not trying to staunch the blood) trying to contain the stream of blood that came out of ('poured from'? 'gushed from'?) them. The blood felt hot on his hands and fingers, and although it was not a new sensation to him, he felt as if it was the first time he had sensed it. The pain became more intensive (do you mean 'intense'?) and he realized what had happened. His lips twisted in ('into'?) a smile and blood poured from his mouth and (try not to use too many 'and's in a sentence with three different verbs) ran down his neck. I’m free, he murmured, so low that he couldn’t even hear it.

The wind blew fiercely and the scattered (you may want to drop the 'the') sand crashed (does sand 'crash'?) on his face. He closed his eyes and opened them again only to see a human (you can omit the word 'human,' it's kind of unnecessary) shadow standing above him. He couldn’t see the face, for the sun shone upon open his (clarify whose back--the dying man's back or the standing man's back?) back and absorbed his features concealed (this is very awkward) by an helmet, but he clearly remembered the face (but he couldn't see the face?) from the day before when he had seen him training in the ludi. From that moment, he knew (wrong tense--he 'had known') he would die within minutes the next day, when he would have to fight him. And so it had been.

He discerned as (no 'as') the shadow raised a finger to the crowd and turned (once you omit 'as', change 'raised' to 'raise' and 'turned' to 'turn) around so that everybody could see it (you can omit 'it'). The shouts of the crowd were so mixed that he barely heard (he 'heard' them, but couldn't 'understand' them, right?) what they yelled. He saw ('watched'?) the standing (we already know he is 'standing') man look down at him and instantly new ('knew') what had been the answer: ('the anser had been' works better) death! (don't be afraid to use some artistic license! Make 'death' a seperate sentence--it's more powerful) He closed his eyes again.

The fighter tossed his gladius aside and removed a knife from his belt. Kneeling, his two hands crossed around the hilt of the blade and (clarify what is doing the plunging) plunged it in ('into'?) the chest of the fallen man. There was no scream this time. Again, the crowds cheered loudly and shouted the name of the winner, which resounded in the walls of the Coliseum like ('the sound of'?) a storm.

Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus! Decimus!

The gladiator wiped the knife clean on the ripped skirt of the fallen man. He knew his name, but he had never met him. For him, he had been another man, another soul, another kill, and yet, his soul had filled with sorrow as his blade had tore the man’s heart. For how long would ('will'?) I be doing this? (italicise thoughts) He (should be lowercased) asked himself but the answer he did not find.

“Shall your soul find the way to the underworld and walk with the heroes in the halls of Pluto’s palace,” he murmured. Reaching for the gladius, he stood up. The sun shone upon his tall figure and his ears filled once again with the sound of the bloodthirsty crowd. He raised his gladius high in the sky, and the sun shone upon it, (make this into two sentences. '...high in the sky. The sun shone upon it, sending...') sending sparkles of light to ('towards'?) the people, who (maybe make this two seperate sentences--'the people. They blinked...') blinked as the reflection hit their eyes. Nevertheless, they kept (I think 'continued' works better here) screaming his name.

Decimus smiled, the crowd loved him, and (make this sentence into three--'Demicus smiled. The crowed loved him. The least...') the least he could do for them was to offer and spectacle that they would (don't they already enjoy it?) enjoy. Kill to survive or die to ('and'?) be eaten by the beasts. That was his life, the life of a gladiator.

Putting down his sword, Decimus swiftly headed to ('towards'?) the black gates from which he had come from, the gates of life and death, the gates that one day, he would enter as a dead corpse.

Purple = word choice/sentences I especially liked
Green = possible grammatical errors/clarification needed
Red = awkward word choice/better word choice possible

That was pretty good! Continue writing (duh) and I would be interested in reading anything more that you write about gladiators.

I know I'm being really nitpicky about the suggestions I made to you, and I'm sorry if I annoyed you. I really don't have any right to point out any of that stuff to you, since I'm not much of a writer anyway. But I am a reader, so I just tried to point out spots a reader might be concerned about or that a reader might really like. I think you are only 16, right? You are a 16 times better writer than I am, so keep it up!

 

[Duvodas]

First of all, I really appreciate that you've taken your time to read and review my work, it means a lot to me.

Now let's get to business

First paragraph, I used suffocated to mean that the voice couldn't be heard because of the yelling crowd. The other corrections are right, thank you for that.

In the second paragraph I used 'human' so that the reader would know that it was a fight between two men. Why? you may say. Well, the Romans also used animals to fight gladiators, therefore, the clarification has a base. About the "back"...uhm, I guess I couldn't write it more clearly, I mean, the man was on the ground, staring at the sky, so how can the sun shine upon his back?. The face...yes, he couldn't see it, however he had seen it the day before, anyway, I guess I could have been more explicit in that part. My bad.

Third paragraph, thanks for the grammar corrections as well as the word choices, I'll surrelly work on that.

Forth, I'll definetively clarify that part of the knife.

Fifth, yeah, "will" makes more sense.

Sixth, I liked the word choices as well as the sentence structure you suggested.

Seventh and Last Paragraph, I'll surelly work on those grammatical errors you pointed out.

Well, I'm glad you liked the story. I will continue writing more about gladiators so stay tunned for the next installment . I apoligize for the grammatical errors; I only have two years in U.S., and I'm still trying to master my English. Grammar always kills me.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[veggiedog]

First paragraph, I used suffocated to mean that the voice couldn't be heard because of the yelling crowd. The other corrections are right, thank you for that.

In the second paragraph I used 'human' so that the reader would know that it was a fight between two men. Why? you may say. Well, the Romans also used animals to fight gladiators, therefore, the clarification has a base. About the "back"...uhm, I guess I couldn't write it more clearly, I mean, the man was on the ground, staring at the sky, so how can the sun shine upon his back?. The face...yes, he couldn't see it, however he had seen it the day before, anyway, I guess I could have been more explicit in that part. My bad.

Oh, okay, I see now why you would have used some of the word choice that you did . Thanks for the clarification. I don't know much about gladiators (although I did write a paper about Augustus Caesar three years ago, in sixth grade) so it makes more sense now.

Well, I'm glad you liked the story. I will continue writing more about gladiators so stay tunned for the next installment . I apoligize for the grammatical errors; I only have two years in U.S., and I'm still trying to master my English. Grammar always kills me.

English isn't exactly my first language either (but I've been here for about twelve years now) so I know a little of how you feel, even though I did start to learn it before kindergarten . For only knowing English for two years, you are a very good writer. Trust me, I know people who have known English their whole lives and still barely know what an apostrophe is! And don't apologize for the errors, that's why you post stuff here! If you check out this thread, you'll see that a lot of us have grammar questions, and you can post yours there too, whenever in doubt. Grammar will be the death of us all .

Good luck with your writing!