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Guilt

Vespertilio91

New Member
She pressed her soft painted lips so softly on mine. A swirl of ecstasy whipped through my body; it was a new sensation. I stood there for only a minute, though it felt like an entire day had passed, and as she pulled away, I longed for her touch again, physically and emotionally. She turned her head around quickly, as if in shame, and slipped away as quick as possible. I was left stunned. I had been kissed, and then dumped, all in the same minute. Life no longer had a purpose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He longed for my skin, my touch, and I for him. But still, I could not; the risks outweighed the pleasures—at least that was what my elders told me. We stood in superficial silence, afraid of what the next move would bring. Brother Temptation and Sister Lust wrapped their cool bodies around each of us, caressing our every sense. He was falling into the trap; I could feel it, but then again…so was I. I had only known him a few hours, but yet he gripped my mind like a never-ending drug, sweet and addicting. I could not give in. I just could not.

Desire weaved his convincing snare between us. It was unseen but beautiful. We had finally been trapped.

Although I knew that if I so much as touched him, he would be marked for Death to come and snatch away, I could not resist. I leaned in close, taking in the wondrous smell of him—Polo cologne, fresh mint, and a slight touch of perspiration, nervousness no doubt. I pulled him in and pushed his lips onto mine. In that instant, harmony was reached. We were meant to be one, until the end would sweep him away, of course. The Gods and Goddesses of Love looked upon us with pleasure. Another soul they had damned to eternity, all with a simple kiss.

I pulled away in agony, both for having to depart so soon and for the retribution soon to ensue. Subdued tears falling from my cheeks, I spun around and sped off. Maybe I could save him if I kept far away. However, I knew that would never happen. We were cornered, and it was completely my fault. I had carried out the worst sin I could: I had fallen in love with my prey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, tell me what you think. I don't really know where this may go. I kinda just was inspired one late night, when the winds blew sharp and cold, the snow fell in torrents like raindrops from a broken cloud, and the bitter chill of the icy stars swept across my innocent skin.
 
Switching the point-of-view back and forth had better be a short-term idea in this story or it's going to cause problems. Cut out some of the commas. A few sentences need to be shortened, and some terms explained. Nice imagery in places, though.

Assume readers are smart. Never assume they are mind-readers.
 
I agree with John, the last sentence was totally unexpected but a welcoming snare to lull the reader in.. Continue on with it, but don't make the lovers corny. Corny lovers are annoying to read about.
 
I agree with John, the last sentence was totally unexpected but a welcoming snare to lull the reader in.. Continue on with it, but don't make the lovers corny. Corny lovers are annoying to read about.
Majorly! Truthfully, I don't even know if this is going to go anywhere. If it is, it's only going to be a prologue to jumpstart the story. And I hate corny love stories. They make me sick. :D

The last sentence was something of a call to bring the reader in. I didn't want to give away too much of anything that might be in the story in the first few paragraphs, but I did want something to snare my victims. :D

Thanks for the comments, especially robert, who gave some excellent advice. I'll add and delete as I feel necessary in my spare time (probably not until June...:()
 
The best writing--I believe anyway--is the one where you yourself don't know what is going to happen. Keep writing it Vesp, but don't plot it out. See what the characters become, see what they do, and then give yourself the best gift of all--the feeling of being surprised by your own story. It's always a nice swift kick to the balls...wait.
 
I really don't know what to say about this other than the fact that I look for one major thing when I read something: Does it leave an impact on me? This one did. It left me all thoughtful and inspired and suchlike. Yay!

I really love your description, by the way.
 
Well then try giving us another piece of whatever the hell this is you tricky bastard.

P.S.

I love you.
Ummm....ok? I'll try to write something soon, but I have exams and other junk next week, so I'm kinda bogged down at the moment.

p.s.

ok, that was creepy, seven.
 
Yeah Vesp, hows this, write more, OR I SHALL DESTROY YOU! XD No really, it was good. So, finish it! Or...at least write a bit more? XD
 
Very well written. Caught my attention. And the way you wrote in 2 perspectives is quite interesting. Good job!

But the last sentence was quite unexpected. lol

~Midnight~
 
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