Help Please - The Essence of My Being

[laboi_22]

Hello everyone. I would appreciate some help with a question I have. I have been working on this manuscript for a while now, and I have a question about the opening. Read the opening and tell me what you think. I’ve written several opening chapters, and this is what I’ve finally came up with. I’m just not sure it’s compelling enough. Does it draw you? Would you read more? Is it too direct? Any opinions would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Justin

Oh BTW this story is a fictional memoir told from the point of view of woman who tells her story about her best friend the essence of her being. She considers herself a fag hag because well just read on. Thanks!

THE ESSENCE OF MY BEING
REFLECTIONS OF A FAG HAG


CHAPTER 1

I am a fag hag.

I earned that title in October of seventy-six when the man I loved, and the mirror of myself, so proudly proclaimed that he was gay. I shall never forget the dreadfulness of that night.

We were seniors in high school, and we were at our last game of the season. I was cheerleading, rooting for the team, when out of nowhere he approached me.

“Hey Tiff,” he whispered in my ear at halftime, pulling me away from the group of girls that surrounded me, “We need to talk.”

“What’s wrong Jerome?” He tugged on my sleeve without answering my question. I followed as he led us underneath the main bleachers.

“What’s wrong Jerome?” I asked in my usual high-pitched tone.

“Shhh. I have something to tell you. Keep your voice down.”

“Ok, what is it?”

“Well tonight,” he hesitated.

“Come on. I need to get back to the group.”

“Ok. You know Cody Williams right?”

“Of course I know him. He’s only the cutest nerd in this school.”
“Well, we kissed tonight.”

At that moment, I’ve never felt so alone, so scared, so betrayed all in one fell swoop. It’s remarkable, how in one short conversation, I went from being his best friend and part time lover, to fag hag. Like convoluted strands of DNA, my new life erupted. There, under the bleachers, I shed my old skin, and my life changed forever.

“Wha-what are you telling me Jerome?”

“I don’t know Tiff. I loved it. I think I’m gay.”

And so began my new life. My life as a fag hag.

 

[TerishD]

Reply

Well, since you say that you have written a few chapters, I assume that this does set the tone of the rest of the manuscript.

Does it draw you? No, but I did read it all. Not my preference of style or material, but there was nothing to turn me off.

Would you read more? No, again not my preference of topic or style. Again, however, there was nothing to turn me off. Thus, if I was interested in this type of writing or topic, I would probably be interested in reading more.

Is it too direct? Uh, and the title isn't. No, I believe a manuscript should clue the reader on what will be coming. I would suspect that your characters have enough personality and the story has enough twists that this minor establishment of direction helps more than hurts.

 

[mehastings]

I think you need to post more. Your excerpt is a tad too short for me to really decide if I would be interested. Just from the bit you've written I can tell you that the topic would probably interest me, but the dialog at the begining might turn me off a bit. There is too much talking, not enough setting. What was Jerome doing there? Is he on the team, another cheerleader, a spectator? What was he wearing, what teams were playing? What sport is this? What does he look like? I can't imagine a teenage girl whose first thought when coming into contact with the guy she "loves" isn't about how he looks.

I understand that you are trying to introduce your two main characters, but unless you are planning this as a prologue that takes place a long time prior to the majority of the story, I think you need more setting and less talking.

 

[laboi_22]

Thanks

Thanks guys for all the help. It is really appriciated. I also thought that maybe I didn't have enough setting. It's really hard to make my mind up about the beginning. I want it to be compelling and witty but I also want it to establish a lot in a little. I guess I need to work on that some more. Any other suggestions please post. Thanks again everyone.