• Welcome to BookAndReader!

    We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!

    Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.

How is the first part of this?

terenkleon

kickbox
Here it is:

As I faced an incensed naiad for the second time that month, I wondered: Why does this keep happening to me?
She lunged toward me, and I sighed. I waved my hand, and a mist cascaded down her shoulders. With a golden flash, she disappeared, “I’ll be back!” she yelped.
“Will you, now?” I reply, even though I know that no one can hear me, inside the dark and menacing cavern. I rack my brain for ideas on what to do next, since I know that I won’t be leaving anytime soon. Once I am summoned to the cavern, I stay there until the Voice is finished with me.
“What do you need next?” I yell to the stalactites above me. “Do you want me to fight Neptune, the god of water, himself? What about Pluto, I’m pretty sure he wants to add another dead soul to his collection! Don’t forget Jupiter! With that lightning bolt of his, he’ll fry me like a potato chip!”
“Silence,” the Voice screeches.
“Silence,” I mimic quietly. I wanted to go on, but I stop myself. The Voice shouldn’t be pushed; I close my eyes, and wait for eternal torture. However, it never came, and what showed up in its place, was surprising.
“James,” the Voice soothed. “Why so stressed?”
I scowled. “I don’t know… maybe because I’m on the same planet as you?” My anger level flared, and I knew that only happened when something very bad was about to happen. The angrier I got, the more powerful she became. I gulped, and I waited to see what would happen next, because I was positive, that it wouldn’t be good.
The Voice cackled, “Fine. You want a challenge, James?” I’ll give you one!” A turquoise cloud flew over my head, and I ducked, chocking on the fiery fumes. The cloud grew bigger and bigger. Soon, I was lying flat against the spiky and icy ground. I was being suffocated by nothingness. I could feel my inner self being pulled out of me, and soon I would become part of the cloud above me.
I closed my eyes, and began preparing to die. But nothing ever happened. When I finally looked up, I saw that the cloud had turned black, the color of death, and the color of Pluto. It was fitting, as most people see a dark flash when they’re about to die, or so I think. What do people do when they’re about to die? I thought desperately.
I kept in mind my memories, the good ones over to the bad. Being a normal kid, inviting the few friends I had to my home. However, relieving the bad memories made the pain worse, seeing the building collapse onto my father, knowing it was my fault.
Why aren’t I dead? My mind kept flickering to that one thought. As I looked up, maybe for the last time, the cloud changed colors. The originally turquoise cloud was now a deep and majestic shade of gold.
The Voice was getting impatient, “Let it rain!” Three creatures emerged from the cloud, a foaming horse with wings, a red-eyed eagle, and a three-headed dog. All three lunged towards me, like their lives depended on it, and I heard laughter ringing in my ears. Looking at their determined eyes, I knew that might be the last time I come to the cavern, or leave it, for that matter.

The second chapter is going to be sort of introducing him. Then the third is going to switch back to this part. This is for a short story contest going on in my school, and the winner gets $75. I have to be done by February 27. Each chapter is a page long, and I have a MAX. of 20,000 characters to use. Do you think this is good for an 11 year old? Thanks!!!
 

WolfLarsen

Member
Do I think this is good for an 11-year-old kid?!

This was written by an 11-year-old kid?! Are you joking?

You know it's interesting that this 11-year-old kid writes better than most adults. Is it because an 11-year-old kid has a bigger imagination?

What's also interesting is how many painters were influenced by children's drawings and children's paintings. Perhaps this was because the children have such great imaginations!

Good work kid! Your story is better than most of the stuff written by adults.
 

Peder

Well-Known Member
It is amazing. I love it.
Sounds like a vivid metaphor for life on a forum sometimes.
 
Top