I'm moving on

[wickychick1991]

Poem:

He's not always in my thoughts
Once a vivid image
Carved in my mind with a chisel
Now like and old photograph
He's beginning to fade
I hope I'm not scarred
I hope I can forget
I don't want to shy away
From the prospect of new love
Like a beaten dog
From a loving hand
I'm ready now
To face the world
Ready to move on
Ready to start anew


What do you think? The part about the dog...it needs work. Do you get what I'm trying to get across? I just don't know how to word it...

 

[mama-sama]

I think it's very good. I "get" what you're trying to say. You do it very well. I like your use of analogies.

 

[Vespertilio91]

You're right; the dog part does need a little work. All it really needs is some connectors; to me it seems too broken.

All in all--excellent. I suggest revision, trying to change sentence form where all the lines begin with the same word; it limits your poem's potential.

I also think you should eliminate the first sentence; it's too straightforward. Allow for some insinuation and creative imagination to emerge while the audience reads.

 

[WriterJohnB]

Ahh, yes, maybe the dog part does need a little work, but it's an apt metaphor. We have a little pony (Henry) living with us now as a companion to an aging quarterhorse and he went into the tack room while I was filling feed buckets (since he's small enough to fit). I moved my hand to push his nose - the usual way to back up a horse - and he flinched, then avoided me for several minutes. Someone had obviously hit this little guy in the face at least once before. As the old line says, "once bitten, twice shy" and this part really makes the poem in my view. I think everyone can relate to this, on some level.

JohnB

 

[Vespertilio91]

Wonderful comparison, JohnB! I believe it'll clarify anything people may not have understood in her poem.