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Love first, or second?

direstraits

direstraits

Well-Known Member
I'm bored, and I'm reminded of a Desperate Housewives episode. So a quick question: do people nowadays generally fall in love first before sex, or the other way around (i.e. "Oh the sex is good. But do I *love* him?")?

Would you mind having a relationship with someone without knowing for sure if you love him/her?

Thoughts?

ds
 
Been there done that. I've thought I loved a person - turned out it was still the remains of the crush that started off our relationship. I don't as such mind being in a relationship with someone I don't love - as long as I like the person and care for them. My problem arises when there is great difference in what we feel for each other, as was the problem in my last relationship. He loved me more than anything and it was evident in everything he said and did, and while I did care deeply for him I just didn't love him. This made me feel terribly indebted to him, as if I somehow owed him something because he loved me and I didn't love him. Had we both felt like I did there wouldn't have been a problem, but the imbalance made me feel horrible.

As for what happens first... eah, I don't know. With my last bf things happened so fast I'm not sure which came first; the crush or the sex. But I've been in both situations: sex first and then expecting the crush to show up - it just didn't, and crushing heavily on someone and not getting to the sex until much later. For me there doesn't seem to be a pattern... at all.
 
direstraits said:
Would you mind having a relationship with someone without knowing for sure if you love him/her?

Thoughts?

ds
Click to expand...

In my opinion, most people begin relationships with people without 'loving' them. Love is something that grows after you actually get to know the person. I'm not saying you can't feel strongly attracted to them, but for real love, I think it takes time. All of the relationships I have been involved in began because I really liked the person. I've only ever really loved one person and I married him.
 
For the most part, I think people have sex first. It is simply the way the world is changing. I don't really see all that much wrong with it. We are moving away from that puritain "sex is dirty" attitude, which I think is great.
 
What if you meet over the internet?

First and formost you start off by getting to know that person!

Sex doesnt come into it!

As in most cases you proberbly live a bit of a distance from each other!

I know two couples which have met this way!

There both now living together and really happy!
 
i have definatley been in love long before there was sex. as much as sex is a huge part, very important part of any realtionship, it is never the basis. sex just adds to the growth of any relationship and brings two people so much closer together. that being said, i have also had sex and then fallen in love with a person over time. it just really depends on the person and the situation.
 
I think it varies a lot, person to person, relationship to relationship. Depends what the intent was in the first place; some people are looking for partners to sleep with and end up falling in love. Others are looking for someone to be close to, and build their relationship on love and sex comes as a by product of that.

On a side note, I know a couple who met over the internet, they live opposite me, and the guy is a complete weirdo. He claims he's part of the 'secret police' and threatens my sister with getting my dad arrested and sits on his step all day watching the children play. That's my own skewed image of internet relationships I've had impressed on me!
 
hah, that reminds me of my sister. she was like to my mom "i guess i love him" or something after the first or second time they had sex. with me it's always been love before anything sexual
 
This is very interesting for me. My asian sensibilities are reeling. :D

I think our society is still very conservative. I'm not saying that *everyone* here falls in love first, then begins a physical relationship, in that order. It was not too long ago where premarital sex is taboo here. The younger generation would probaly have no problems having sex before marriage, but I'm not so sure if the girls here would actually be in a relationship before knowing if some guy has some potential.

ds
 
In my experience if you start out with a purely physical relationship it usually dont go any further. But that dont mean that physical relationships are a bad thing.
 
The situation i had with the guy im with just now was sex first then a relationship. Im not afraid to say i had sex with him on the same day i met him as i felt an instant connection. It was never going to be a one night stand as far as im concerned. He said it happened a lot faster than he is used to but didnt regret it either. Though i wish i had waited for the physical side of it. However the situation didnt work out that way.
 
CDA said:
Anyone who falls in love because of having had sex is a retard.
Click to expand...

If that was a reply to my first statement, I guess I didn't explain myself well enough. I didn't mean some people have sex and fall in love because of that. Surely that'd be more falling in love with the sex that the person, and that's not possible (I wouldn't say?)
But some people meet and spend time together initially with the intention of having sex, and end up growing to love each other when they learn more aobut them, by spending that time with them.
That's more what I meant. Still not explained great, but maybe a little clearer!
 
I'm surprised no one here has mentioned being "in lust" or is that only in free-wheeling NYC? :confused:
Peder
 
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