I have recently rewritten the first chapter of my novel, saving what I had written for later. After some of the crits I got, I figured the beginning definately needed a big bang to it. So here it is.
Lyrec: Chapter One
The Pads and their Riders were few and far between. The Fire Maiden had banished them and the ceremonies no longer existed. The Maiden had been jealous of them, of their power, their speed and their authority over all others. They had everything that she wanted. There had been battle after battle in a continuous war between The Maiden and the giant dogs. The Riders had fought well, but they were losing. They were becoming less and less. Lyrec was one of those few remaining. She and her Pad were destined to bring The Maiden down and so end her reign of terror, but she had grown stronger over the years, her masked face more evil and her eyes more filled with the power of fire.
In the front line, Lyrec had a clear view of the enemy running towards them, as yet another battle commenced. They were creatures of fire, beasts created to fight and answer The Maiden's every whim. As Lyrec sat atop her black and tan Pad, Ycul, and as they both waited for their fate, the beasts of fire drew ever closer. Lyrec looked to her right. Beside them stood Rasha, a golden sands Pad, and her Rider, Tatam. He was looking towards the enemy, his brow furrowed, his eyes sharp. She knew he was ready. A sense of fear suddenly bubbled up inside her. She didn't want to be there, sitting upon her Pad, waiting for death. She wanted to go home. And she felt it stronger now than she had done in many years. Ten years. She had only been eleven years old when she'd left her home to be a Pad Rider, chosen as the youngest Rider ever since history began. In desperation, her hand went to her chest, where it found her father's pocket watch, as it hung on it's golden chain around her neck. To use it's power at that very moment would surely kill her. Releasing the watch and gripping Ycul's fur, she prepared herself. They were here.
They hit the line of Pads in a flash, so quick that most of the Riders flew from their Pads and were trampled beneath the heavy footsteps of the beasts, life leaving them almost immediately. But Lyrec hung on to Ycul, she would not lose him. The noise of the beasts; minotaurs, gargoyles, fire dragons, and so many more, poured into her ears. So many voices, unheard by every other creature there, both beast and man, called to her, asking for her help. Help that she could not give. She scanned the skies. Nothing flew there but the dragons and the phoenixes. Drawing an arrow from her quiver, she placed it in her bow. She shot arrow after arrow, straight into the the dirty, scaly bodies of salamanders that scurried around their feet, all trying to climb the long legs of the Pads and bring them down. Her aim was sharp and accurate, despite Ycul jumping about, trying to avoid the lizards.
"They just keep coming. I can't stand them for much longer. Do something." His feet were stepping about in awkward patterns as he moved around the scaly red lizards, occasionally shaking one off, yelping if they bit.
"Their heads. You bite, I'll stab. I think that's the only way to kill them." Lyrec answered. Ycul bent his head, his mouth open, his teeth bared. He snatched several lizards from the ground in one mouthful, biting into their leathery bodies, their dark blood spewing out onto the ground. He quickkly spat them out, a pile of mangled bodies at his feet.
"They taste disgusting" he said, his long tongue throwing out orangey scales. Lyrec tried to smile, but her lips would not succumb. She drew another arrow and placed it into the stretched string of her bow. She quickly shot it straight into the head of a salamander. It writhed and spat black blood, but eventually it stopped altogether, its red scales glistening like a jewel against the darkened earth beneath it. She pulled an arrow into her bow once more, and as she drew it back and aimed, Ycul shouted into her head.
"Watch out Lyrec. The minotaur!" Lyrec did not have time to turn her head to see it. But she saw its dark shadow as it towered over them. A horned beast, its arms high in the air, quickly bringing them down. Before she could turn her bow to defend herself, she was hit in the stomach with a great fist, causing her to fly from Ycul's back. She struck the ground with a weight that was not her own. She began to cough, blood dripping from her mouth. The red of it dribbled down her chin, falling onto the ground, staining it scarlet. A shadow fell over her once more. She looked around for her bow, but could not find it. Looking up into the eyes of the minotaur as it lifted its heavy arms once again, to beat her into the ground, she drew her small dagger from its sheath at her thigh. She knew it was not enough against the thick skin of the large beast. This was the end for her. Holding her dagger ready, her eyes scanned the battle, looking for her beloved Pad, her Ycul. He was nowhere to be seen, lost behind the giant bodies of their enemy. Looking skyward, she saw the minotaur's giant fist coming down towards her, and behind it, the bright blue of the sky, dreamlike and unreal, phoenixes streaking across it, diving and plummeting into the crowd below. She closed her eyes, a long breath leaving her. She was ready.
So if you have any criticisms of this new improved version, feel free to say.
Thankyou.
Lyrec: Chapter One
The Pads and their Riders were few and far between. The Fire Maiden had banished them and the ceremonies no longer existed. The Maiden had been jealous of them, of their power, their speed and their authority over all others. They had everything that she wanted. There had been battle after battle in a continuous war between The Maiden and the giant dogs. The Riders had fought well, but they were losing. They were becoming less and less. Lyrec was one of those few remaining. She and her Pad were destined to bring The Maiden down and so end her reign of terror, but she had grown stronger over the years, her masked face more evil and her eyes more filled with the power of fire.
In the front line, Lyrec had a clear view of the enemy running towards them, as yet another battle commenced. They were creatures of fire, beasts created to fight and answer The Maiden's every whim. As Lyrec sat atop her black and tan Pad, Ycul, and as they both waited for their fate, the beasts of fire drew ever closer. Lyrec looked to her right. Beside them stood Rasha, a golden sands Pad, and her Rider, Tatam. He was looking towards the enemy, his brow furrowed, his eyes sharp. She knew he was ready. A sense of fear suddenly bubbled up inside her. She didn't want to be there, sitting upon her Pad, waiting for death. She wanted to go home. And she felt it stronger now than she had done in many years. Ten years. She had only been eleven years old when she'd left her home to be a Pad Rider, chosen as the youngest Rider ever since history began. In desperation, her hand went to her chest, where it found her father's pocket watch, as it hung on it's golden chain around her neck. To use it's power at that very moment would surely kill her. Releasing the watch and gripping Ycul's fur, she prepared herself. They were here.
They hit the line of Pads in a flash, so quick that most of the Riders flew from their Pads and were trampled beneath the heavy footsteps of the beasts, life leaving them almost immediately. But Lyrec hung on to Ycul, she would not lose him. The noise of the beasts; minotaurs, gargoyles, fire dragons, and so many more, poured into her ears. So many voices, unheard by every other creature there, both beast and man, called to her, asking for her help. Help that she could not give. She scanned the skies. Nothing flew there but the dragons and the phoenixes. Drawing an arrow from her quiver, she placed it in her bow. She shot arrow after arrow, straight into the the dirty, scaly bodies of salamanders that scurried around their feet, all trying to climb the long legs of the Pads and bring them down. Her aim was sharp and accurate, despite Ycul jumping about, trying to avoid the lizards.
"They just keep coming. I can't stand them for much longer. Do something." His feet were stepping about in awkward patterns as he moved around the scaly red lizards, occasionally shaking one off, yelping if they bit.
"Their heads. You bite, I'll stab. I think that's the only way to kill them." Lyrec answered. Ycul bent his head, his mouth open, his teeth bared. He snatched several lizards from the ground in one mouthful, biting into their leathery bodies, their dark blood spewing out onto the ground. He quickkly spat them out, a pile of mangled bodies at his feet.
"They taste disgusting" he said, his long tongue throwing out orangey scales. Lyrec tried to smile, but her lips would not succumb. She drew another arrow and placed it into the stretched string of her bow. She quickly shot it straight into the head of a salamander. It writhed and spat black blood, but eventually it stopped altogether, its red scales glistening like a jewel against the darkened earth beneath it. She pulled an arrow into her bow once more, and as she drew it back and aimed, Ycul shouted into her head.
"Watch out Lyrec. The minotaur!" Lyrec did not have time to turn her head to see it. But she saw its dark shadow as it towered over them. A horned beast, its arms high in the air, quickly bringing them down. Before she could turn her bow to defend herself, she was hit in the stomach with a great fist, causing her to fly from Ycul's back. She struck the ground with a weight that was not her own. She began to cough, blood dripping from her mouth. The red of it dribbled down her chin, falling onto the ground, staining it scarlet. A shadow fell over her once more. She looked around for her bow, but could not find it. Looking up into the eyes of the minotaur as it lifted its heavy arms once again, to beat her into the ground, she drew her small dagger from its sheath at her thigh. She knew it was not enough against the thick skin of the large beast. This was the end for her. Holding her dagger ready, her eyes scanned the battle, looking for her beloved Pad, her Ycul. He was nowhere to be seen, lost behind the giant bodies of their enemy. Looking skyward, she saw the minotaur's giant fist coming down towards her, and behind it, the bright blue of the sky, dreamlike and unreal, phoenixes streaking across it, diving and plummeting into the crowd below. She closed her eyes, a long breath leaving her. She was ready.
So if you have any criticisms of this new improved version, feel free to say.
Thankyou.