Menacing Extract: Please Read!

[tommydarascal]

Here is an exract I wrote when I was bored ... please criticise all you like and tell me what you think. Thanks!

By the yellow candlelight she saw the head distinctly, hovering in mid air above her. At least, it seemed to be hovering, attached to a frail, almost non-existent body that quite accurately resembled a twig. Blood flooded the body’s blemished skin, and her crinkles almost seemed to crack. It’s gloomy eyes narrowed to snake-slits, her fists clenching awkwardly, her knuckles transforming into a sinister, raw white. “Mummy?” the little girl wheezed, “Mummy you are in heaven Daddy said so, mummy…” The girl snapped her eyelids shut, squeezing them tightly. The woman’s faded brown hair seemed to fall out in tangles with rage, her lips clamped colourlessly. She emitted a pure, menacing glow that seemed perfectly lethal. She loomed over her daughter, black rushing in and stealing the yellow of the candlelight, abandoning the poor child and thrusting her into a threatening, fatal darkness.

“Mummy, no! You aren’t HERE!” The ghoul’s hand swept down savagely and walloped the infant solidly across the face, a distinct CRACK echoing down the dismal, absent corridors.
Then, it’s form changed.
Suddenly, a whirring commotion like a tempest filled the area, wind and forks of incandescent lightning thrashing and stabbing in all directions, smashing the roof mercilessly and creating a shower of stone and rubble. Solid, fatal debris was hurled everywhere frantically, browns and greys hammering the place murderously … and in the chaos the little girl’s screams were drowned out and flawlessly inaudible. Rain thundered through the wrecked ceiling, freezing. Through these blue spears, this thing – this poltergeist – was vaguely visible. It was clear and savage, and impossible for any remaining sanity to comprehend.
The girl screamed and flailed.
A dark, grey gas, quite similar to a menacing cloud, drifted toward the small, whimpering girl teasingly.
You aren’t my mother … you killed my mother …
Rain pierced the gas and was contained, seeming to make it darker and more sinister. The distance between it and the girl was closing – slowly, ever so slowly – and the girl, frozen, could do nothing but wheeze, shaking.
The thing hovered over her once more.
This was it.

 

[TerishD]

Reply

You are not supposed to stop at moment of inspiration. It should be a springboard for launching yourself on a journey. If you are stopping now, you are being rude to the muse that visited. Take what idea you were given, work with it, develop it, and only show it off after it has grown into something that has promise of truly having a life of its own.

I like horror. So it sounds like a good catalyst for something I would be interested in reading.

 

[veggiedog]

This is just my opinion, but your writing is overwrought with adjectives and adverbs. I would suggest using them sparingly, only when you want to bring something out or if the description is important to the storyline. I understand that this is a short work, and that horror may need additional verbage to induce the 'spook,' factor (although that may not have been what you were aiming for) but you don't need so much description. I like the premise, and although I am not a fan of horror, I might consider taking a closer look at a short story that started out like this.

 

[tommydarascal]

Wow!

That was a lot better than I expected! Thank you for your comments.

 

[Halo]

I agree with most of what veggiedog said.

Also, please please sort out the difference between "its" and "it's" (sorry, pet hate of mine!)

Examples:

The dog wagged its tail (possessive - no apostrophe)
It's going to rain later (contraction of "it is" - apostrophe needed).

It helps to know the difference if you say the sentence in your head. For example, if you write "the dog wagged it's tail", then what that actually says is "the dog wagged it is tail". Then you can easily work out if you have got it right. Hope that helps.

 

[tommydarascal]

Thanks Halo!
In my edited version, this was corrected ("It's" to "Its") because as soon as I had completed the extract I immediately put it on this forum so I'd know exactly what to change!

 

[Gee Zee]

I think all the nice people above covered the valuation well. However, I'd like to draw your attention to "Here is an exract I wrote when I was bored". Personally, I never write well when I'm bored. Everyone is different though. See what happens when you're pumped and full of energy!