Monday Poem

[gerard quain]

Slight of hand

She flashes her eye's
She beams a smile
All done to hide the lies
With a magicians skill
The illusion become's reality
She says she give's freely
She never does
She never does


It's a slight of hand
She's the master in command
It's a slight of hand
She has a master plan
Never give more than you receive
That way, it is easier to deceive


She walk's the red carpet
Everyone think's they know her
But behind the make-up veil
It's a different tale
She says give freely
She never does
She never does


It's a slight of hand
She's the master in command
It's a slight of hand
She has a master plan
Never give more then you receive
That way, it is easier to deceive


If you wish , feel free to critique as severely as you want

 

[gerard quain]

this must be worse then I thought

 

[Peder]

quote="gerard quain, post: 366046, member: 23046"]this must be worse then I thought[/quote]
Not necessarily. We're a tacitrun crowd when it comes to poetry.
[

Slight of hand

She flashes her eye's
She beams a smile
All done to hide the lies
With a magicians skill
The illusion become's reality /Illusion is real (?)
She says she give's freely
She never does /But never does (?)
She never does


It's a slight of hand
She's the master in command
It's a slight of hand
She has a master plan
Never give more than you receive
That way, it is easier to deceive /it's (?)


She walk's the red carpet
Everyone think's they know her /All think they know her(?)
But behind the make-up veil
It's a different tale
She says give freely
She never does /But never does (?)
She never does


It's a slight of hand
She's the master in command
It's a slight of hand
She has a master plan
Never give more then you receive
That way, it is easier to deceive /it's (?)


If you wish , feel free to critique as severely as you want

I see mostly extra words that might be deleted to tighten the meter, at least to my ear. I've bolded my comments rather than change your text. (Click to see it all).
And did you mean "She says give freely," or "She asks to give freely," or both? I would prefer the "She says give freely" in both places.

But it is your ear and your poem, so feel free to ignore as you wish.
Peder

PS Did you mean "sleight" or "slight"?
P.

 

[gerard quain]

quote="gerard quain, post: 366046, member: 23046"]this must be worse then I thought

Not necessarily. We're a tacitrun crowd when it comes to poetry.
[


I see mostly extra words that might be deleted to tighten the meter, at least to my ear. I've bolded my comments rather than change your text.
And did you mean "She says give freely," or "She asks to give freely," or both? I would prefer the "She says give freely" in both places.

But it is your ear and your poem, so feel free to ignore as you wish.
Peder

PS Did you mean "sleight" or "slight"
P.[/quote]
well it was written as idea for song , but thanks for the critique , we all need to hear other idea's and voices it is a must, by the way did you mean "taciturn" , sorry could not help myself, I am mean, but thanks for taking the time to read my poem, your very kind

 

[gerard quain]

quote="gerard quain, post: 366046, member: 23046"]this must be worse then I thought

Not necessarily. We're a tacitrun crowd when it comes to poetry.
[


I see mostly extra words that might be deleted to tighten the meter, at least to my ear. I've bolded my comments rather than change your text. (Click to see it all).
And did you mean "She says give freely," or "She asks to give freely," or both? I would prefer the "She says give freely" in both places.

But it is your ear and your poem, so feel free to ignore as you wish.
Peder

PS Did you mean "sleight" or "slight"?
P.[/quote]
poetic license, is major thing , plus it good to give something that is not perfect, as a human being I am not perfect, and as a poet, everyday is a learning day

 

[Peder]

Ah, song! I hadn't realized.
And yes, taciturn. Thanks.

 

[gerard quain]

Ah, song! I hadn't realized.
And yes, taciturn. Thanks.

always will to be helpful and constructive, and a bit of a clown if it makes people smile