My first poem (and probably my last)

[headpodd]

Partly inspired by the excellent poems which have been appearing on these boards, I have put together the thing below. I would not deem to call it poetry as have no clue as to write poetry but is probably more of a bunch of thoughts put down on paper. I quite enjoyed writing it though. Please critique as you feel fit.

Yours

(A rather embarrassed) Headpodd

Whenever I Love

My heart always hides
Whenever I love
Too frightened to act
Too nervous to please

I push you away
Too scared to be broken
My head always says
It can’t take rejection

You make me so scared
That one day you might
Leave me and go
I wouldn’t cope

So I push you away
Never to have you
And my heart returns
But battered and bruised

I see you around
With another girl
And know from your look
Your heart feels like mine

And the months turn to years
And you marry with bliss
But the times when I see you
I know you still care

So I sit here alone
With my heart in a mess
And I wonder, I wonder
Why I didn’t take that risk

And love you wholeheartedly
Like I know that I could
But my heart always hides
Whenever I love

 

[fluffy bunny]

Lovely. I'm not the world's expert on poetry but I liked that one. Thanks for sharing

 

[tugger]

First, you shouldn't feel embarrassed. If that's your first poem, it's pretty darn good. It's about a hundred times better than the first poem I ever wrote. And the absolute, MOST IMPORTANT thing is that you enjoyed writing it. So it was a positive experience, and now you'll probably write a second poem, and a third. That's what's wonderful.

Some of the things I liked about the poem:

It's about love and how hard loving can be, which is always good fodder for poetry.

You weren't afraid to put emotion into the poem. Good poets must be very brave.

The poem has a pretty good rhythm. It flows nicely.

Some things you might work on:

It's always better to show than tell. Try to use precise, concrete images instead of subjective words that readers can interpret in nonspecific ways.
If you can make the reader feel the EXACT thing you want them to feel, then you've succeeded.

Read good poetry. Read some more good poetry. Trust me. The more you read it and come to understand the art and craft of it, the better your writing will be. It just takes time. Be patient with yourself. And it looks like you're off to a flying start!


I hope this helps. I think for a first poem you did great. Just make sure you share more with us. I'm looking forward to hearing your new-found poetic voice again.

 

[third man girl]

I see you around
With another girl

I could relate to every word of that. Every word. I like it.

Not a criticism, but merely a comment, and I would be interested to hear what the others think - if you could change the word 'girl' in the line above, and therefore make the sex of the writer ambiguous, would males be able to relate to the emotions, too?

Assuming, that is, that males can relate to emotions JOKE

Third Man Girl

 

[Martin]

Assuming, that is, that males can relate to emotions

Ouch

Anyway, In spite of the fact that I am male, I liked this poem. It touched me, and I could relate to it. I think everyone can, on some level.

Cheers, Martin

 

[piedro]

nice poem. you conveyed the emotions well.i liked the simplicity of it
i dont think writing the word 'girl' makes any difference. you can relate to it, being male or female makes no difference

oh by the way

So I sit here alone

what happened to all those lovely potatoes of yours?

 

[third man girl]

if you could change the word 'girl' in the line above, and therefore make the sex of the writer ambiguous, would males be able to relate to the emotions, too?

Assuming, that is, that males can relate to emotions JOKE

I didn't explain myself well. And the stupid joke didn't help.

On a serious note: I meant that when you read the poem, you become the first person, don't you? ie the reader becomes 'I'.
So, I assumed that when a male reader reached the line, 'I see you around with another girl', this would jar slightly. I think I'm talking about Point of View, which Ashlea could explain better . Or maybe I should just read a poem for what it is, and not try to jump into it? Or maybe I should stop talking rubbish and make for the nearest carrot patch, smoggy city, deep blue ocean, or beautiful barn surrounded by Indians Paintbrushes and Bluebonnets.

Ramble over

Third Man Girl