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Pleasem Help

Yessie42

New Member
Preface
I stare at the dark whole in the ground; wondering how things could have ever gone so incredibly wrong. My fate is sealed, and there is nothing that can save me now. This dark hole will be the only thing that I ever get to see. I will never go to prom, get married, have a child, or even go on another walk down the street with my best friend. Who cares anymore, it’s all over so I should just stop worrying and finally give up. It’s not worth the pain and suffering, I need to go.



I take a deep breath and walk through the door, it’s my first day of my new school. I shouldn’t be worrying though, I will probably have to move again soon. I never bother to make friends because if I do, I will just get hurt again. I’ve learned that the hard way. If anyone finds out I will be dead for sure. How can I ever forget what happened when I told my best friend Alicia, or so I thought, who I was. The door was torn open and the police came storming in…
I was torn away from my memory when I bumped into a boy. He looked at me with such intensity that I gasped in surprise. He was gorgeous, medium length golden brown hair, and dark ocean blue eyes. He was wearing a shirt with MY name on it. It said, “Hadley Busch. Save her, she is all we have left.” I apologized quickly and ran off. When I got to homeroom, I saw him sitting there staring at me the same way he had in the hallway. This time I didn’t look away, I stared him down the same way he was me. He smiled and looked away. I sat down on the opposite side of the room trying to figure things out. The way he looked at me seemed as if he knew who I was. Well then again, everyone knows who I am.
I’m a legend, a freak, a hero, or whatever you want to call me.



Please read and honestly tell me what you think. This is just the beggining, but I want some reviews before I continue. Please don't bother with grammet though, I know the needs some work.
 
Preface
I stare at the dark hole in the ground; wondering how things could have ever gone so incredibly wrong. My fate is sealed; there is nothing that can save me now. delete I will never go to prom, get married, have a child, or even go on another walk down the street with my best friend. Who cares anymore? It’s all over so I should just stop worrying and finally give up. It’s not worth the pain and suffering, I need to go.



I take a deep breath and walk through the door. It’s my first day of my new school. I shouldn’t be worrying though;/COLOR], I will probably have to move again soon. I never bother to make friends because if I do, I will just get hurt again. I’ve learned that the hard way. If anyone finds out I will be dead for sure. How can I ever forget what happened when I told my best friend Alicia, or so I thought, who I was. The door was torn open and the police came storming in…

I was torn away from my memory when I bumped into a boy. He looked at me with such intensity that I gasped in surprise. He was gorgeous, medium length golden brown hair, and dark ocean blue eyes. He was wearing a shirt with MY name on it. It said, “Hadley Busch. Save her, she is all we have left.” I apologized quickly and ran off. When I got to homeroom, I saw him sitting there staring at me the same way he had in the hallway. This time I didn’t look away, I stared him down delete. He smiled and looked away. I sat down on the opposite side of the room trying to figure things out. The way he looked at me seemed as if he knew who I was. Well then again, everyone knows who I am.
I’m a legend, a freak, a hero, or whatever you want to call me.



QUOTE]

Just needs some tightening up. The only thing I had problem was with the police tearing down the door. That's an awfully explicit action; you drop a bombshell that needs explanation. How about: That's when the police came into it and. . . well, that's another whole story.

Hope that helps,

JohnB
 
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