poem...

[tartan_skirt]

Ok, so I've never actually posted anything like this before. Its not based on a true story, it was all in my mind. (oh and I wasn't sure which rating to give it so i just put the 15 one on it...) So tell me what you think....

Lay down here next to me
And tell me what you see
The little girl that used to be
Or the woman I’ve become

Innocent games in the street
Chocolate from the shops
Hopscotch in the schoolyard
And swimming in the sea

Times were so much sweeter then
When troubles seemed far away
Careless days and lazy dreams
Were all we had to do

Complications came along
There were things I had to do
Problems every now and then
But nothing I couldn’t handle

Things just got worse and worse
The problems got more common
I did what I felt was right
I didn’t know I could be so wrong

Looking back right now
I don’t know why I did it
How could I be so stupid
I should have know better

If my mother could see me now
I was always her little angel
I could do no wrong
Or so she thought…

She’ll find out sooner or later
I can’t do anything to change that now
If only I could go back in time
So much I would change

I wouldn’t have answered the add
I wouldn’t have come to your house
I wouldn’t have done what you asked
But I really needed the money

Why did I have to do it?
There’s nothing I can do
The money doesn’t seem much now
Compared to what I’ve lost

My dreams
My friends
My family
My life

So here I lie
This is my end
Tied to a wooden bedpost
My throat cut

Look at me
What do you see?
A hooker, a whore?
Or an innocent girl gone wrong

 

[bobbyburns]

that's my dirty, dirty girl.

 

[Ashlea]

The poem has a good arc, from innocence to a twisted maturity. I would like to see the diction of the poem (language, meter) reflect the emotion and downward spiral of the character. Maybe become sort of fragmented as the poem progresses. You actually have a bit of that already, I would just make it more pronounced.

Ever read William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience? Very short poems. I wouldn't say go for his style but his ideas are sort of like this.

 

[bobbyburns]

good call with the blake, ashlea.

 

[tartan_skirt]

The poem has a good arc, from innocence to a twisted maturity. I would like to see the diction of the poem (language, meter) reflect the emotion and downward spiral of the character. Maybe become sort of fragmented as the poem progresses. You actually have a bit of that already, I would just make it more pronounced.

Ever read William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience? Very short poems. I wouldn't say go for his style but his ideas are sort of like this.

Never read it, never heard of it actually.

Most of what you said before made no sense to me... I really just made it up in like a few hours. My mind works in strange, and sometimes twisted, ways.

 

[Ashlea]

what I meant was, at the beginning of the poem when you're describing an innocent childhood, the language is rhyming and has complete sentences and good structure. As things in the action start to go downhill, the language can reflect that, shorter, choppier lines.

 

[tartan_skirt]

what I meant was, at the beginning of the poem when you're describing an innocent childhood, the language is rhyming and has complete sentences and good structure. As things in the action start to go downhill, the language can reflect that, shorter, choppier lines.

ah right... I gets you now...

 

[tartan_skirt]

I've been thinking over names for this poem. I hate leaving things nameless...
What does anyone think about 'Innocence Lost' ?