Sex Ed

[WolfLarsen]

Sex Ed
a short story by Wolf Larsen

It was the first day of our sex ed class in high school in some typical American city.

Many of us were hoping we were about to learn what we had been doing wrong all these years. Some – who had become pregnant along the way – were no longer with us. The principal had kicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant.

We all sat there quietly and very already to learn! The teacher had our attention 110%! Perhaps for the first time ever the teacher had the undivided attention of every student in class.

Our minds were full of questions. What were we going to learn today? Perhaps finally we were going to learn something useful in school for once! You could feel the air in that classroom so thick with curiosity, with that hunger to learn!

We watched the teacher's every move. We watched as she picked up a piece of chalk and begin writing on the blackboard in big white letters: ABSTINENCE

Our hearts sank. From that very moment you could feel the attention of the students drift away... Suddenly you could hear the voices of the students gossiping away. Others began looking out the window and got lost in their daydreams. I took out a book I'd gotten from the public library and began reading.

I don't think anybody was paying attention to the teacher as she began, "Abstinence is the best way to..."

Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen

 

[Peder]

Hi Wolf, an amusing story, and you do have the student's reaction spot on. But you give the punch line first. Please allow me to offer, however, that perhaps first describing the increasingly disinterested reaction of the hormonal students to a sex education lecture, and then presenting the reason might build some mystery in addition to eventual humor.
Cheers
Peder

 

[WolfLarsen]

I think you're probably right. The story is not my best. I feel like I have to write about the real world for a change because the real world is so damn screwed up lately, as opposed to just being regularly screwed up.

I don't think my heart is really in this conventional writing, I mean I like to write conventionally right now because it works in terms of talking about the real world, but when it comes to conventional writing I think there is a whole lot of people that do better than I do.

Well, that's not completely true because there is an extremely blunt form of conventional writing that I truly love to do and I do it very well but then there's always some moderator telling me it's too obscene.

 

[Peder]

there is an extremely blunt form of conventional writing that I truly love to do and I do it very well

I think this world could use some blunt, to cut through the boring media uproar. :sad:

 

[manuscriptx]

some creative suggestions to even out the flow

It was the first day of our sex ed class in some typical american high school.

Many of us hoped we were about to learn what we had been doing wrong. Some got pregnant; some were no longer with us; some just showed up for the fun of relearning it all over again.


We all sat there eager to please and ready learn. The teacher had our attention 110%. Perhaps for the first time, the teacher had the undivided attention of every student in class.
__________________________________________________________________________



Writing your text this way makes it much more understandable and the "reading flow" seems better. I deleted the principal kicking students out part since you practically say that phrase twice in the same sentence:



The principal had kicked them out of high school for getting pregnant. In fact, back in junior high some of the females had gotten kicked out for getting pregnant.


As a reader reading this makes me irritated at the writer. I say to myself what the hell are you trying to say? People got kicked out of school for immoral behavior? Yeah I get it; now get on with the story already.
Tell me something I don't know.

Feeling the need to not only say people were kicked out of high school for something but also being kicked out in a previous school just doesn't make sense.

Food for thought when writing Wolf.

( I hope this critique wasn't too harsh. )