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some of my poems

HermioneWeasley

HermioneWeasley

Member
i decided to try out writing poetry. i'm not very good seeing as i'm young and just starting but here are a few examples. what do you think?

I see spread over the earth the starry skies.
Brightly shines the Milky Way,
Other galaxies too, galaxies far, far away,
Where perhaps Darth Vader once ruled
But what is beyond? Nothingness? Emptyness?
As I stand
And fill my shoes with sand,
I attempt to discover the meaning of life, the universe,
And everything.
It can’t be 42! There must be something more…
But what is it? I wonder as I toss and turn.
What is up above and what happens after?
What is time and eternity?
What is infinity?

and

Sitting here
in the middle of the night
thinking of the poem I must write
Forced by teachers who break the -- amendment
This is cruel and unusual punishment
sitting here
in the middle of the night
I attempt sonnets, rhymes
Haikus and free verse
As the night becomes a nightmare
Sitting here
In the middle of the night
The wold howls at the moon
only he seems able to (express?) my suffering
in the middle of the night

a)which amendment is it that i should put in there?
b)i'm not sure about the verb in the 2nd to last line. maybe i should use a thesaurus.
 
I like both of your poems. I'm not sure either what amendment to put in there. But, how about these words:
convey
declare
enunciate
make known
proclaim
reveal
represent
symbolize
voice
 
Sitting here
in the middle of the night
thinking of the poem I must write
Forced by teachers who break the 8th amendment
This is cruel and unusual punishment
sitting here
in the middle of the night
I attempt sonnets, rhymes
Haikus and free verse
As the night becomes a nightmare
Sitting here
In the middle of the night
The wold howls at the moon
only he seems able to voice my suffering
in the middle of the night

how's that? i found out it's the 8th amendment
 
Your poems

I like where you're coming from and probably where you're going to even more. What about writing about something more specific that you don't like to think about let alone talk about. You'll find words creeping out from the strangest places...
 
First of all, I really enjoyed reading both of these poems. Well-crafted and good imagery!

"Voice" works fine where you have it, but what about something like, "gives reality to" or "manifests"? Something with a little more mystery perhaps? It's fine to leave it as it is, though! It works wonderfully. Thanks for sharing :)
 
glad you guys like the poems! I find that they're a bit too 'real worldly', no metaphors or anything, but i'm not a very metaphorical person.

thanks for the feedback!
 
I feel that they are too timely. They don't express something that people who are unfamiliar with our culture can identify with. I must admit that it is not a huge deal, but somehow it bugs me.

I feel your imagery is wonderful, especially in the second poem; however, more imaginative forms of writing are out there. Metaphors and similes were mentioned, but what of alliteration, connotation, denotation. Things like this emphasize key points in your poetry, which I feel yours is missing. Use spicy words and accent on certain areas where you feel strongest. That will get your point across and will help your poetry along fabulously.

All in all, you are doing well for a beginner. The poetry is compact, discreet, but straightforward. Mystery is one of the many things humans desire in a work of art--poetry as one. Supply them with it and you will soar.
 
First poem: I liked it, but I didn't care for the pop culture references. They seemed out of place and kind of interrupted the otherwise more emotional poem.

Second poem: Interesting, because I can sympathize. Teachers give us assignments but are too concerned with the fact that they have to be completed a certain way, and its detrimental to a creative mind. My only complaint is that it was too brief; I would have liked to see it explored in depth.
 
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