im writing this in my spare time when im not at school and i need people input to help me improve this section of the first chapter. please please post ur ideas.
Arica stumbled through the woods as sobs shook her body. The enclosed trees tried to trip her with thorns and brambles as she continued to run from her home. Scars and cuts covered her bare arms and legs, and her torn clothes were dirtied from her night alone in the forest. She glanced up, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. She was vaguely pretty for a fourteen year old. Her purple eyes shone with tears and her cheeks were red from the outpour of emotion. Long brown hair cascaded down her shoulders. Her dress, had it not been torn and frayed, was that of a bride.
She gazed down into the valley, which lay before her. To many people it would seem much like a valley of death. A few scarce trees were all she could see in the shadow of the Stoclin Mountains, which ran down the side of the desert. The mountains where well known in her town, though not for anything good. Any tales that came from the Stoclin mountains usually told of pain and suffering. The mountains concealed hidden caves and no one from her village would dare cross the desert for fear of the legendary monsters, which haunted it. Arica was no fool though. She had never believed in the ghosts and ghouls who terrified the people of Acmil, and to her the desert was her sanctuary, a place where she could hide forever.
She clambered down the dusty paths, which lead her through the foothills of Stoclin into the base of the mountains. She stumbled past a boulder and soon found her mistake. A flock of birds circled a bloody carcass upon the ground. Each bird was three times the size of any of the huts in her village, with huge talons that were covered with shining red blood. She froze. Her heart pounding in her chest as slowly backed away. None had seen her, yet she dared not hope they wouldn’t. Carefully she tiptoed backwards, her eyes wide with fear. A loud crack echoed through the valley. She glanced down. Her foot stood upon the remains of a dry twig. Every eye was on her now, glistening as red as the blood on their beaks and talons. Nothing moved. The hot wind drove through her hair as she stood, frozen to the floor. She cursed inwardly to herself. She had been so foolish. If only she hadn’t left her village, her uncle, her groom, her friends. None knew where she had gone; she highly doubted that any would follow her into the great forest that ran alongside the town. Yet even if they had, she knew they would not find any remains any more. For the carcass had now been stripped to the bone by its hunters, and yet each bird looked as scrawny as an old horse. Yes, her uncle would find no remains except two human carcasses in the valley mouth. Silently, the huge birds spread their wings, and soared into the sky. He consciousness screamed at her ‘Run, Run you fool!’ but her legs wouldn’t obey her mind and she swayed, her feet clamped to the dust. A shriek rang through the valley as one of the birds dived towards her, croaking like a wild spirit torn from its resting place. Its huge talons deadly and sharp, glistening in the glaring sun. Like a broken spell her feet were freed and she backed away stumbling, her eyes never leaving the bird that plummeted towards her. But the way was blocked. The huge boulder that had hidden her enemy from sight earlier now blocked her only chance of escape. Terrified, she stared as the monster rushed towards her, its speed never relenting. A hand grasped hers, pulling her away from the danger. She was dragged, half running, half skidding after her rescuer. She looked back and watched as the rock by which she had been cowering was smashed into pieces as the bird dashed straight into it. Her pulse racing, she stumbled blindly after the boy, guided only by his firm grip through the dust of the plains. They dashed past the few trees and were almost at the mountains edge when a searing pain lashed through her body. She screamed as agony blasted through her body, falling to her knees. She swayed, struggling to stay conscious. Helplessly she fell sideways onto the dry sand struggling for breath. A large shadow fell over her. Realising it was one of the many gigantic birds she cried out with all the air she had left in her lungs. Cowering on the floor she fought with the overwhelming sense of unconsciousness as the shadow grew upon her. With a blinding light, the shadow drew away and she was lifted up as she finally lost consciousness.
Arica stumbled through the woods as sobs shook her body. The enclosed trees tried to trip her with thorns and brambles as she continued to run from her home. Scars and cuts covered her bare arms and legs, and her torn clothes were dirtied from her night alone in the forest. She glanced up, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. She was vaguely pretty for a fourteen year old. Her purple eyes shone with tears and her cheeks were red from the outpour of emotion. Long brown hair cascaded down her shoulders. Her dress, had it not been torn and frayed, was that of a bride.
She gazed down into the valley, which lay before her. To many people it would seem much like a valley of death. A few scarce trees were all she could see in the shadow of the Stoclin Mountains, which ran down the side of the desert. The mountains where well known in her town, though not for anything good. Any tales that came from the Stoclin mountains usually told of pain and suffering. The mountains concealed hidden caves and no one from her village would dare cross the desert for fear of the legendary monsters, which haunted it. Arica was no fool though. She had never believed in the ghosts and ghouls who terrified the people of Acmil, and to her the desert was her sanctuary, a place where she could hide forever.
She clambered down the dusty paths, which lead her through the foothills of Stoclin into the base of the mountains. She stumbled past a boulder and soon found her mistake. A flock of birds circled a bloody carcass upon the ground. Each bird was three times the size of any of the huts in her village, with huge talons that were covered with shining red blood. She froze. Her heart pounding in her chest as slowly backed away. None had seen her, yet she dared not hope they wouldn’t. Carefully she tiptoed backwards, her eyes wide with fear. A loud crack echoed through the valley. She glanced down. Her foot stood upon the remains of a dry twig. Every eye was on her now, glistening as red as the blood on their beaks and talons. Nothing moved. The hot wind drove through her hair as she stood, frozen to the floor. She cursed inwardly to herself. She had been so foolish. If only she hadn’t left her village, her uncle, her groom, her friends. None knew where she had gone; she highly doubted that any would follow her into the great forest that ran alongside the town. Yet even if they had, she knew they would not find any remains any more. For the carcass had now been stripped to the bone by its hunters, and yet each bird looked as scrawny as an old horse. Yes, her uncle would find no remains except two human carcasses in the valley mouth. Silently, the huge birds spread their wings, and soared into the sky. He consciousness screamed at her ‘Run, Run you fool!’ but her legs wouldn’t obey her mind and she swayed, her feet clamped to the dust. A shriek rang through the valley as one of the birds dived towards her, croaking like a wild spirit torn from its resting place. Its huge talons deadly and sharp, glistening in the glaring sun. Like a broken spell her feet were freed and she backed away stumbling, her eyes never leaving the bird that plummeted towards her. But the way was blocked. The huge boulder that had hidden her enemy from sight earlier now blocked her only chance of escape. Terrified, she stared as the monster rushed towards her, its speed never relenting. A hand grasped hers, pulling her away from the danger. She was dragged, half running, half skidding after her rescuer. She looked back and watched as the rock by which she had been cowering was smashed into pieces as the bird dashed straight into it. Her pulse racing, she stumbled blindly after the boy, guided only by his firm grip through the dust of the plains. They dashed past the few trees and were almost at the mountains edge when a searing pain lashed through her body. She screamed as agony blasted through her body, falling to her knees. She swayed, struggling to stay conscious. Helplessly she fell sideways onto the dry sand struggling for breath. A large shadow fell over her. Realising it was one of the many gigantic birds she cried out with all the air she had left in her lungs. Cowering on the floor she fought with the overwhelming sense of unconsciousness as the shadow grew upon her. With a blinding light, the shadow drew away and she was lifted up as she finally lost consciousness.
