The Almighty Coffin Scene

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Thank you, GreenKnight, for the wonderful idea that solved my coffin dilemma. After writing the scene, I realized I didn't need to go to the funeral home at all. Everyone, tell me what you think. I put the icon thing on for a few bad words Erin says.
Also bear in mind that you have missed bits while reading this scene, but you should catch on quickly. There is an explanation in the book for why Nikolai has a grandfather.
***
Erin groaned, and tried to stretch out, as was her routine when she woke up. She vaguely remembered a very strange nightmare involving that Dracula kid from school that didn’t speak to anybody, and was eager to forget it. But as she stretched her arms, she found that cushioned surfaces surrounded her. She opened her eyes and screamed. She couldn’t see a thing—it was dark! There was cushioning surrounding her, and she had barely room to move! It was—

“Oh my God, I’m in a coffin!” she shrieked, screaming some more and clawing at the surface. Realizing this was getting nowhere, she tried to calm herself down. She took in a few deep breaths of stale, thick air, and let them out slowly. How did she get into a coffin?

“Nikolai, you son of a—” she snarled, realizing what had happened. She grabbed at her neck, and felt the scarf, pulled it off to find the bite mark. Then she felt a chain around her neck, and was relieved that they’d buried her in her locket. Then she started to reach around the coffin for some kind of handle. As she moved, she felt something pressing into her back. She pulled it out from under her. It felt suspiciously like a crowbar…

A crowbar! Maybe she could use it to pry herself out!

Erin ran her fingers along the side of the coffin until she felt the lip where it probably opened up. After determining where the fissure of the crowbar was, she placed it against the lip and pulled. Hard. She tried pulling the other way. As hard as she could. It didn’t work. The lid wasn’t budging.
***
Nikolai paced back and forth in front of the freshly dug grave. “Where is she?” he growled. “I killed her around 4:00…no later than 4:30…shouldn’t she be up by now?”

The watch on his wrist read 4:45 A.M., and Nikolai didn’t like it at all.
Maksimov watched him carefully. “Did you give her a way to get out of the coffin?”

Nikolai fought a sigh. Since this was his own problem, Maksimov had offered no advice on how to handle the situation. He was just watching. Maybe, Nikolai thought, I’m doing something wrong. Maybe it happened a while ago…he must know what it is. But he knew already that it would be useless to ask his grandfather for help. And besides, he wasn’t sure he would ask if that were an option. Even though he wasn’t entirely sure he knew what he was doing, he didn’t want to admit that to Maksimov. Even if it was already obvious.

“I placed a crowbar in her coffin,” he said after a long pause.

“A crowbar?” Maksimov repeated. There was a slight smile on his face, as if he was trying to hide that he found something amusing. “Not the one that Harold bought to pry loose the rotten boards on the deck last summer?”

“It’s the only one I could find,” Nikolai admitted, feeling suddenly very foolish.

“I see.”

Nikolai glanced at his watch again. It should not have taken forty-five minutes to climb out of a coffin. He felt his heart sink. If I didn’t do it right to begin with… There was always a chance, a slight risk, that turning someone into a vampire didn’t work quite right. Usually due to the inexperience or weakness of the one turning them. Suddenly, it all made sense. Maksimov had known as soon as it happened that Nikolai had done something wrong turning Erin—it was the first time he had done it, after all—and he had brought him here to let him figure it out himself.

He ran over what had happened that night in his mind. Hadn’t he done everything right? Was there something Maksimov had left out years ago, when describing how to make an Undead?

“The vampire blood didn’t take,” Nikolai said flatly.

“Oh?” Maksimov raised his eyebrows at him.

Nikolai sighed. He hadn’t wanted Erin to die. This whole thing was an accident, more his fault than hers, and he had thought he could keep her from suffering for it. But the reality was that she was lying still motionless six feet below where he was standing, and she wasn’t coming back. He had drained her blood and forced her to drink his…she had died a terrified and painful death, and another man was likely going to prison over it.

He turned sharply, walking towards a shed in the distance. He opened the doors and found the caretaker’s tools…including a shovel. He took the dirty instrument with a slight grimace and carried it back to Erin’s grave.

“What on Earth are you doing with that?” Maksimov asked, but he didn’t sound surprised.

“I’m going to take that crowbar back,” Nikolai grumbled, and he pushed the shovel into the ground. “If they decide to exhume her later, it won’t look good if they find our crowbar there.”
***

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

There was six feet of dirt over Erin’s head, separating her from the rest of the world. Maybe this is what Hell feels like…not burning hot and filled with lava, but cramped and dark and nearly airless…

Erin didn’t know if it was just that the coffin was locked somehow, or if it was also because of how heavy the dirt over her was. At the turn of the century, they would bury people with strings that they could pull on to ring bells if they were buried alive, and they would be rescued. But with modern medicine the way it was, that didn’t happen anymore. No one had considered the seventeen-year-old vampire in her coffin, wondering who knew she was there, and if she was going to die eventually or if she would stay forever to go mad in her tiny prison.

Once, after she had read The Raven and became obsesssed with Edgar Allan Poe, Erin had bought a book of Poe’s short stories. She had read them all in a three-day period, soaking them in. One in particular, The Premature Burial, came to mind now. “To be buried alive is, beyond question, the most terrific of these extremes which has ever fallen to the lot of mere mortality.” And Poe didn’t know the half of it. Sure, he had spent his whole life terrified that he would be prematurely buried, but Erin had spent hers assured that such an event was no longer possible.

Why does it have to be underground? Erin thought darkly. Whatever happened to a good, old-fashioned vault? A loud sharp noise interrupted her thoughts. She jerked involunatarily, and she felt the coffin vibrate slightly with the apparent impact. “What the—”

Again, something hit the coffin’s lid. She heard a muffled voice from outside, and moments later, as she barely dared to believe it, the coffin opened.
***
Nikolai had ordered the servants to help him dig, and Maksimov hadn’t objected. Fifteen minutes later, Oscar’s shovel hit something. “Nikolai, I think we found the coffin.”

Together, they scraped the dirt off until the handle of the coffin was exposed. Nikolai sighed at the sight of the wooden lid. Poor Erin. She deserved so much better than what she had suffered…maybe it wouldn’t hurt to truly say goodbye to her. His fingers curled around the handle and he pulled up. The lid lifted up, and he prepared himself to reach in for the crowbar he had pushed under her body.

To his surprise, Erin sat up and stared at him. Nikolai stared back for several seconds, surprised and relieved and very confused.

“I thought you said the blood didn’t take,” Harold commented.

“What?” Erin glanced over at Harold in surprise. “You thought it didn’t work?”

“Well, uh…” Nikolai decided he should explain instead of leaving it to Harold. “When you didn’t use the crowbar to come out, I assumed that I had done something wrong while turning you.”

“Then what the hell did you dig me out for?” Erin asked, frowning. Nikolai’s gaze involunatarily drifted to the crowbar, now near where Erin’s feet would have been if she was still lying down. Before he could move, Erin followed his gaze. She looked back up at him in furious disbelief. “You came down here for your fucking crowbar?!”

“Not exactly, no—”

“You did! You did this to me, left me here for God knows how long, and then you came to get the crowbar you apparently put under me—and by the way, moron, crowbars don’t work under six feet of heavy dirt! I’m not Superman, for crying out loud! And apparently, you aren’t Einstein!”

“Well, it was a good crowbar,” Nikolai said lamely.

To that, Erin took the alleged “good crowbar” and threw it at Nikolai’s head. He ducked, and the servants had to step out of the way to avoid falling in its path.

Nikolai had been around a lot of Undead servants, but he was not used to them throwing things at him. “Get up, now!” he said sharply.

“Why should I?! If you want to take something back with you, take the damn crowbar! I’m sure it would be happy to return home!”

“And where do you plan to go?” Nikolai challenged. “It’s past five in the morning. The sun is going to rise soon. You were just resurrected; I wouldn’t think you were so eager yet to turn into a pile of dust.”

“What do you gain by taking me in?” Erin demanded.

“I am a vampire of pure blood, and I am your creator and master. You are an Undead servant of the Maksimov house.”

“You wish!” Erin snarled. She tried to climb up to where Nikolai was standing, but slipped and fell in the dirt.

“At any rate, you don’t want to try your luck with the sun,” he said crossly. “You need shelter, and I can provide it.”

“I’m not going to be your slave! This is a nightmare!” Erin screamed back at him.

“I am offering your eternal life! Immortality!” Nikolai grasped her shoulder and pulled her to her feet sharply. “You will never grow old, never die. Isn’t that what anyone would want?”

“No,” Erin said, shaking her head. “Not for the price you’re asking!”

“If you fail to take my orders, you can be disposed of more easily than you were created.” Nikolai shrugged. “Not that there would be any repercussions for me. After all, you are already dead.”

Erin stared at him coldly for several long moments, and he stared right back. Finally, she muttered, “It looks like I have no other choice. If I don’t go, you kill me. Even if I escaped, it would be hard to find shelter from the sun…”

“Good. Let’s leave, then.” Nikolai shook his head. What did I get myself into?
“Hey, wait—what about my things?” Erin asked.

“I’ll assume you mean the items we retrieved from your room. Natalia wanted to set up a comfortable environment for you at our home. She seems anxious to make you feel at home. Can’t imagine why.”

Erin glared at his back as he held onto a rope someone else was holding for him, and she climbed up after him.

 

[TerishD]

Reply

It is an interesting scene, although begs a certain question to be asked, "How do other vampires rise?" I mean, there is nothing new about burying people in coffins six feet underground, or vampires rising from such a situation.

By the way, do the research. Come on, afraid to ask questions? Afraid to learn some answers? I assure you that funeral home people have heard of vampires, and people that write books.

As for the writing itself, a better draft than most. I have problems with the scene, but I suspect most are handled in the larger document. Thus, thanks for sharing.

 

[Halo]

Valkyrie: I don't have a lot of time, so I'm just going to say that I liked that. I enjoyed reading that extract, and liked the touches of humour.

One thing I noticed very near the beginning was repetition of description:

But as she stretched her arms, she found that cushioned surfaces surrounded her. She opened her eyes and screamed. She couldn’t see a thing—it was dark! There was cushioning surrounding her, and she had barely room to move!

I'd change one of those to something else.

Nice work!

 

[Poppy1]

Valkyrie, I'm really enjoying reading this story. I've read the part about Nikolai and his shirt but can't find any other chapters. Have I missed anything somewhere else? I would love to read this book when you have finished it.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

The book can be found in its partially-completed form at the link on my signature. Thanks for pointing out the error, Halo, I must have been asleep when I wrote it. ^^
TerishD, thanks for your question. I should have mentioned the answer (which I had thought out) in the narrative. Most vampires creating new vampires know it's near impossible to get out of a coffin underground on your own. Also, most don't create vampires out of people who don't want to be vampires, but the thing with Erin was sort of an accident. Usually, a vampire would keep the Undead's body with him/her until it rose.
But in the rare case that the Undead would be buried, there would usually be someone to dig them up. However, no one told Nikolai this, because they wanted him to figure it out in his own, and he is not an exceptional planner, as you can plainly see. (Besides, he's kind of a jerk.)
Thanks for the replies. Keep them coming. "I think I'm getting good, but I can handle criticism."
EDIT: I should probably mention, Poppy, that this is the re-written version of part of chapter five, so the story on my link will be a little bit different. Small parts have been rewritten as I see fit, but the story itself isn't much different.

 

[Vespertilio91]

I understand most of this passage, but I am confused about one thing. Why? Why does Nikolai turn Erin into a vampire? I probably would find this in the preluding chapters, right? If you explained this before you posted like you did with Nikolai's grandfather, I wouldn't be so confused.

Otherwise, I feel it is a very well-written and important passage. A few typos are in need of change, but all the grammar and word choice is fairly excellent. I enjoyed it, and can't wait for the next parts to be published.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

It's explained in chapter four why she was turned. I didn't want to explain it in detail here, but there was a good reason for it.

 

[veggiedog]

I liked it.
There are a few minor grammatical errors that could be smoothed out (probably attributed to typos) but otherwise, it was amusing. Sorry I can't offer anything constructive.
Of course, I didn't really understand entirely what was going on as I have not read the rest of the story as of yet...
Good luck (not that good writers rely on luck...)

 

[Vespertilio91]

It's explained in chapter four why she was turned. I didn't want to explain it in detail here, but there was a good reason for it.

Okay, I'll be looking forward to it. (hint, hint!)