Gem
kickbox
Hi guys, below is a two page extract from my kids book temporarily titled: The Pitt. I would be grateful for all feedback - would esp. appreciate constructive criticism 
Extract:
Polly had left Jacob standing outside the door of the very first dorm. It was the furthest away from the front entry and the closest to the dining area. Jacob knocked and a small boy with sharp pixie features and dark hair opened the door marginally and stared sheepishly out at him. Jacob cleared his throat.
“Hi, I’m Jacob Nile and I’ll be staying here with you for a few days.” The boy nodded, murmured “okay” and was about to shut the door when Jacob quickly stuck his hand out stating “No, I mean I’ll be staying here in this room” seeing that the boy was just standing there uncertainly, Jacob pushed the door open, making the boy jump back, and stepped into the room.
The room contained three bunk beds all arranged in a row. Two large windows looked out onto the Titus forest and a small wooden door stood partially open in the furthest corner. Sitting on the floor between the beds were four boys. They looked up at him with O formed mouths.
“Um hi I’m Jacob and I’ll be sharing this room” Jacob stepped further into the room, putting his small rucksack onto the floor. Noticing that the boys made no reply, he continued, “well I can see there’s three bunk beds and five of you so that means that I get the last bunk right? So which one isn’t being used?” Again there was no reply. He made his way towards the bunk that seemed to be the neatest and sat down with a large thud. “Well I guess this is mine. If I’m taking someone’s bed speak now or forever hold your peace. Wow you guys are a noisy bunch, do you ever shut up?”
The boys just watched him warily. Disliking their silence Jacob kept up an ongoing spiel “so what do you guys do around here, you always holed up in your rooms? I never saw a single kid out in the corridors. I hope the food round here’s good, you guys sure can chat you know I doubt I’ll ever get any sleep in this noise of yours. So what’s the deal with that elevator by the Matrons office where’s it lead?”
Mention of the elevator finally brought a reaction, and the small boy who had opened the door quickly made sure it was shut tight before he turned to Jacob and said, “we know nothing, why do you ask us that?” Jacob shrugged in reply telling them that it was no big deal to him and that he had just noticed it in passing. One of the boys got up from the floor and came closer to Jacob, soon the others joined him.
The pixie-faced boy spoke again “I’m Rudi, this here is Darcy, that’s Ryan, and them two are Chubster and Poseidon.” Jacob raised his eyebrow at the strange names. Rudi shrugged and replied “boys who come in with no name get named by their teachers. Ryan and me came in with our names but these guys got named. Nora told us who each of em was named after. Cept for Chubster even Nora don’t know why he’s called Chubster, said it was most likely just a bad joke” Jacob looked over at the pitifully thin and frail looking Chubster who just shrugged sadly in return.
Rudi continued to talk; it appeared that despite the initial silence he liked to talk. “Nora, she’s one of the old cleaners been here forever, she said that one of the teachers had had a thing for them pre prehistoric Greeks so she used names from them. We got a Troy, Hercules, Achilles, and a Perseus an all; you’ll meet em tomorrow. We asked her why the nutty teacher would call old Posi here Poseidon, she just laughed and said on accountah the fact that he used to wet his bed a lot. Don’t know what she was on about. I think old Nora’s a bit nutty too.” And before he could continue all the lights went off. “Right quick get into bed the checker will be here soon” Darcy said frantically as the boys struggled to quickly get into their respective bunks.
When the Checker having made sure that they were in bed, had long gone the boys began talking again, informing Jacob of many things, but the main thing he learned was to stay out of Matrons way, for as Rudi put it “No matter how polite she talks that is one dangerous lady.”
Extract:
Polly had left Jacob standing outside the door of the very first dorm. It was the furthest away from the front entry and the closest to the dining area. Jacob knocked and a small boy with sharp pixie features and dark hair opened the door marginally and stared sheepishly out at him. Jacob cleared his throat.
“Hi, I’m Jacob Nile and I’ll be staying here with you for a few days.” The boy nodded, murmured “okay” and was about to shut the door when Jacob quickly stuck his hand out stating “No, I mean I’ll be staying here in this room” seeing that the boy was just standing there uncertainly, Jacob pushed the door open, making the boy jump back, and stepped into the room.
The room contained three bunk beds all arranged in a row. Two large windows looked out onto the Titus forest and a small wooden door stood partially open in the furthest corner. Sitting on the floor between the beds were four boys. They looked up at him with O formed mouths.
“Um hi I’m Jacob and I’ll be sharing this room” Jacob stepped further into the room, putting his small rucksack onto the floor. Noticing that the boys made no reply, he continued, “well I can see there’s three bunk beds and five of you so that means that I get the last bunk right? So which one isn’t being used?” Again there was no reply. He made his way towards the bunk that seemed to be the neatest and sat down with a large thud. “Well I guess this is mine. If I’m taking someone’s bed speak now or forever hold your peace. Wow you guys are a noisy bunch, do you ever shut up?”
The boys just watched him warily. Disliking their silence Jacob kept up an ongoing spiel “so what do you guys do around here, you always holed up in your rooms? I never saw a single kid out in the corridors. I hope the food round here’s good, you guys sure can chat you know I doubt I’ll ever get any sleep in this noise of yours. So what’s the deal with that elevator by the Matrons office where’s it lead?”
Mention of the elevator finally brought a reaction, and the small boy who had opened the door quickly made sure it was shut tight before he turned to Jacob and said, “we know nothing, why do you ask us that?” Jacob shrugged in reply telling them that it was no big deal to him and that he had just noticed it in passing. One of the boys got up from the floor and came closer to Jacob, soon the others joined him.
The pixie-faced boy spoke again “I’m Rudi, this here is Darcy, that’s Ryan, and them two are Chubster and Poseidon.” Jacob raised his eyebrow at the strange names. Rudi shrugged and replied “boys who come in with no name get named by their teachers. Ryan and me came in with our names but these guys got named. Nora told us who each of em was named after. Cept for Chubster even Nora don’t know why he’s called Chubster, said it was most likely just a bad joke” Jacob looked over at the pitifully thin and frail looking Chubster who just shrugged sadly in return.
Rudi continued to talk; it appeared that despite the initial silence he liked to talk. “Nora, she’s one of the old cleaners been here forever, she said that one of the teachers had had a thing for them pre prehistoric Greeks so she used names from them. We got a Troy, Hercules, Achilles, and a Perseus an all; you’ll meet em tomorrow. We asked her why the nutty teacher would call old Posi here Poseidon, she just laughed and said on accountah the fact that he used to wet his bed a lot. Don’t know what she was on about. I think old Nora’s a bit nutty too.” And before he could continue all the lights went off. “Right quick get into bed the checker will be here soon” Darcy said frantically as the boys struggled to quickly get into their respective bunks.
When the Checker having made sure that they were in bed, had long gone the boys began talking again, informing Jacob of many things, but the main thing he learned was to stay out of Matrons way, for as Rudi put it “No matter how polite she talks that is one dangerous lady.”
