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The Shapeshifters:Dira & Justen

crystalnight

New Member
The shapeshifters: Dira


Mark ushered the midwife in quickly, the silence in the room was deafening and it was all he could do not to scream. The labour had come on during the afternoon and they had hoped the baby would hold on for the night, alas, it was not to be. The baby's head was already crowning, Sheril was covered in a lather of sweat and the full moon had just crested the horizon.

The midwife bent anxiously between Sherils' legs and checked to see how far along the baby was.

'Oh my, this will never do..' she looked around the room anxiously and it was all Mark could do to not shake her into action.

His poor Sheril lay there in pain, gasping and shuddering with every contraction and all he could do was watch. He kept glancing out the window and it seemed that time had stood still.

For all the agony that Sheril was in and the amount of contractions she had, had the moon barely hit its crest and still the baby was coming.

Mark had hoped against hope that if Sheril didn't push that the baby would be born at sunrise and they could welcome the little thing into the world with open arms.

Checking back in with Sheril, who looked up at him from under heavy lashes and with flushed cheeks, he saw the babies' eyes were almost visible. With a tremor of fear he made a quick decision, dropping Sherils' hand he silently left the room.

He returned just as the midwife was cutting the cord, she patted the baby’s' back and cleared the mucus from its throat. Giving a plantitive cry it reached its little hands searchingly in the air, beseeching someone to hold it close. The midwife wrapped the poor little thing in a piece of muslin and turned to pass her to Sheril.

'Its a wee girl, Sheril love.' The midwife was a no nonsense woman and just didn’t believe that being born on a full moon meant you were cursed to damnation. Who could condemn such a darling little thing?

As she tenderly placed the baby in its mother’s arms, the two were barely given a chance to lock eyes before the door burst in and a crowd of villagers wrenched the baby from her.

Sheril imprinted the memory of those eyes into her heart and swore she would find them out again. Tears fell from her own eyes and she turned her head away, not wanting to catch her husbands eyes, lest he see her cry.

The baby screamed at the upheaval and the noise level rose. Storming from the little house they surged away through the hills. It was only when they reached the cliff tops that usually served the purpose for which they had come, that they realized she was gone.

***

It had been so easy to take the baby.

Lini hated the thought that these so called 'civilised' beings would deliberately hurt an innocent child. She had often flown over the villages on the full moon, waiting for the birth of a child. She had hoped that just once she could save one of those pink bundles of flesh.

Tonight had been the night; she had been close by when she overheard a small dark man whispering excitedly to another, something about the baby being born as they spoke. She had simply drawn her hood close, picked up a pitchfork and followed the crowd. The opportunity to snatch the baby had come easier than she had expected too, she had simply been the one to push her way in first and grab the child from the mother’s arms.

Then when the mob had started to pour out into the hillside she had simply taken the baby and 'slipped' away.


She was a cute little thing, with one green eye and one blue. There was also a strange marking on her eyelid.

There was no time for cooing and gushing. Lini moved fast, trying to find a place to leave the poor child, somewhere less judgemental. Suddenly there was a movement in the trees ahead of her.

It couldn't be the humans. They were too far away from her and the baby. She watched, afraid of what might be hiding amongst the trees.

She heard a familiar voice in the darkness. "Lini, oh Lini will you never learn!"

An army of gremlins appeared, dressed in silver armour. That deep voice was so familiar. Who was it?

The ground cracked as the stranger emerged from the trees, and a shadow loomed over her. It was Lord Grim himself. No fairy had encountered Lord Grim and lived to tell the tale

"What do you want?" yelled Lini, causing the baby to cry louder. Jumping in little hops, she hushed the baby. Then, fluttering her wings and stepping back, she asked hastily, "Lord Grim, what do you want with us?"

“Us” he smirked, looking at the bundle in her arms. He gasped with a grin on his face, “Is that what I think it is? The baby the humans were going to rid themselves of”

Lini supported the crying baby and listened to what Grim had to say, “I came here to rescue this little child. I see you came before me. May I see the baby?” his eyes glowed with green and blue as he stepped even closer to Lini’s petite figure.

She opened the hood of her cloak and turned away. "You will not see this child!" she cried, throwing off her cloak and leaping into the air. The gremlins started to climb the trees.

One jumped off the tree and caught hold of Lini’s left leg. Another grabbed the baby out her hands from the right and another stomped her to the ground from above.

The child wasn’t safe anywhere. “Please, please” She slid on the grass begging at Lord Grim’s feet with an imp on her back clawing at her wings, “Don’t hurt her, she is only a child”

He smiled and said, “A girl born under a full moon. My but the citizens are heartless, heartless enough to get rid of this young one,” He continued, “Who said I was ever going to hurt her?”

Lini gasped, “You look so menacing that I could not guess from your shadowed face, sire. I only ask that I may go with the child”

He answered back, “You may go, but without this child”

Lini screamed, “No You can’t take her, she needs to be taken care of by her own kind”

He said ruefully, “And you think you are closer to the form of her parents? No, I shall keep her and teach her my ways”

With a shrill cry, Lini jumped from the ground, and grabbed the child out of his arms. A gremlin marched forward and hit her with the flat side of his axe, knocking her to the ground. She lay on her back with the crying child in her arms.

"Take the child, leave the fairy," Lord Grim ordered his gremlins. "We'll hunt her tomorrow morning."

The gremlins obeyed, taking the child from the vice of Lini's arms.

Lord Grim looked at the baby. "I'll call her Dira," he said. He made a signal, and immediately he and the gremlins disappeared into the trees

***

A year passed and Sheril lay in her bed with a newborn son in her arms. "Oh Mark he's beautiful" said Sheril hugging the little thing.

She was relieved when the baby was born in the morning. Her heart still longed to her first born, but she knew it was too late. Her little daughter was gone. Mark walked closer to his new son and held Sheril's hand.

"We'll name him Justen" said Mark

Sheril kissed her son's soft skin, "Justen how I wish your sister was here" She looked at the sparkle in his baby-blue eyes and back at Mark, she continued, "Do you think our little girl could still be living this very same day?"

Mark shook his head, "I doubt it Sheril. God blessed us with another child..." He stopped speaking, seeing people arriving at the door of their house. "Wait here" Said Mark and quickly he opened the door before anyone could knock.

Mark glared at them and asked, "What do you want?"

They stood in a line and watched wide-eyed through the door at the baby. One of the men said, "Congratulations!" Mark lowered his shoulders, relieved at what he heard.

He turned away from them and ignored the awing people behind him. "His name is Justen and you will not come close to him, you took my first born child. I shall never forgive you." And he shut the door behind him.

---

I'm currently looking for a co-authur. If anyone could help me it would be great.
 
***
15 years passed, Dira grew up under the protection of Lord Grim. Being a warrior and a thief, it was the only life she knew. She grew strong and agile. Her days were spent practicing with a sword. Her nights in the library with study, but her heart still longed to see the towns surrounding the Grim Area. Being as it may she was never allowed to go out of the castle or even close to the front gate.

Darkness was inside the room Dira was standing in, she shook in the cold. Hearing murmuring and voices she turned around her cloak turning and twisting in the wind. A voice shouted, “My baby!” it echoed in the small room. Dira shivered and walked forward listening to the movements made by the person whom cried. Again the woman cried out, “My child…Give back my child” the melodious voice continued echoing, “My baby”

Dira halted and saw from a small distance a woman crying in a corner holding a doll. Coming closer the woman looked up and shouted at Dira, “Stay away from my baby you horrid creature. You have been born under the full moon. You are cursed to damnation” and the woman smacked her face.

Dira awoke when she heard metal swords crashing to the ground.

She climbed off her bed and quickly pulled her clothes on, throwing a cloak over her body she moved out the room. While pulling her gloves over her hands she saw two gremlins run down the corridor away from where the sound came from. Again something metallic dropped to the floor and this time it was a statue of a knight. It had dropped at the end of the corridor. One of the clumsy gremlins had bumped into it.

She sighed and casually walked down the corridor her ears listening for any other sound. She walked into the kitchen finding knifes lying on the floor. She immediately started to pick up the mess. Picking up a stake knife she settled it on the table and moved onto the next grabbing a handful of bread knifes she placed it on the table and everything was cleaned from off the tiled floor.

She moved out of the kitchen, knowing that couldn't have made the noise. It must've been something ells. Looking up and down the corridor she went to Lord Grim's quarters.

----
still looking for a co-authur
 
It might be easier to attract a co-author if you spelled it correctly. What are you bringing to the partnership?

Hang around forums like this and listen to critique and you'll be able to write all by your lonesome. Learn sentence structure; there are many, many run-on sentences here. (Note the semi-colon I just used.)

Seriously, co-authors are very rare. Usually this is when a well-known author allows his name to be added onto an unknown writer's novel. The well-known writer gets a cut of the royalties, the novice gets exposure. The catch is, the new guy must be good enough not to embarass the famed author's reputation.

Take care,

JohnB
 
Thanks. I'm actually thinking of publishing this book I'm writing. So that is why I'm looking for a co-author. I think the spelling of that doesn't count. I'd very much like a co-author I'm not older than 18 and not younger than 16, that meaning I'm seventeen. I have written about three books in south africa. SO wouldn't yopu agree it is about time for me to get a co-author to jion.
 
Being totally serious, why do you need a co-author? You're young; you have plenty of time to hone your writing abilities and make it on your own. Your writing is good; but there are "tricks" that authors learn over time.

Join a writers group, either locally or online. Or just find another writer in your area and compare notes. Read your favorite authors repeatedly, looking to see how they handle different situations. Practice writing a stand-alone love scene. A fight scene. An argument. Describe scenery. Describe characters.

Personally, I waste too much time on these forums when I should be practicing my craft. On that note, I'll close, except to say that I'd be glad to give you a detailed critique of this piece if you'd like. If so, post it here or message me.

Take care,

JohnB
 
The shapeshifters: Dira


Mark quickly ushered the midwife in. The silence in the room seemed deafening to him and it was all he could do not to scream. The labour had come on during the afternoon and they had hoped the baby would hold on for the night. Alas, it was not to be. The baby's head was already crowning. Sheril was covered in a lather of sweat and the full moon had just crested the horizon.

The midwife bent anxiously between Sherils' legs and checked to see how far along the baby was.

'Oh my, this will never do..' she anxiously looked around the room.

It was all Mark could do to not shake her into action. The baby must be born before - or after - the full moon was in the sky. His poor Sheril liethere in pain, gasping and shuddering with every contraction and all he could do was watch. He kept glancing out the window. It seemed that time had stood still.

(removed redundant para.)

Mark now hoped against hope that if Sheril didn't push that the baby would be born at sunrise. Then they could welcome the little thing into the world with open arms.

Checking back in (Why is he checking back in? He never left, did he?) with Sheril, who looked up at him from under heavy lashes and with flushed cheeks. He saw the babies' eyes were almost visible. With a tremor of fear he made a quick decision. He dropped Sherils' hand, and silently left the room.

He returned just as the midwife was cutting the cord. (Ahh, a mystery! Why did he leave?) She patted the baby’s' back and cleared the mucus from its throat. Giving a plaintive cry it reached its little hands, beseeching someone to hold it close. The midwife wrapped the poor little thing in a piece of muslin and turned to pass her to Sheril. (you use little and little thing a lot, maybe some synonyms?)

"Its a wee girl, Sheril love."' The midwife was a no nonsense woman and just didn’t believe that being born on a full moon cursed someone to damnation. Who could condemn such a darling little thing?

As the baby was placed in its mother’s arms, the two were barely given a chance to lock eyes before the door burst in. A crowd of villagers surged in and someone wrenched the baby from her.

Sheril imprinted the memory of those eyes into her heart and swore she would find them out again. Tears fell from her eyes ("own" eyes is not needed. Who else's eyes could she cry from but her own?)and she turned her head away, not wanting her husband to see her cry. (Why not? What mother wouldn't cry?

*** (You change point of view here, this is where the scene should change.

The baby screamed as the mob pushed its way out from the little house and they surged away through the hills. It was only when they reached the cliff tops that usually served the purpose for which they had come, that they realized she was gone.

*** Change scene again.

It had been so easy to take the baby.

Lini hated the thought that these so called 'civilised' beings would deliberately hurt an innocent child. She had often flown over the villages on the full moon, waiting for the birth of a child. Good. "flown" gives the reader a heads-up that she's not human.She had hoped that just once she could save one of those pink bundles of flesh.

Tonight had been the night. She had been close by when she overheard a small dark man whispering excitedly to another, something about the baby being born as they spoke. She had simply drawn her hood close, picked up a pitchfork and followed the crowd. The opportunity to snatch the baby had come easier than she had expected; she had simply been the one to push her way in first and grab the child from the mother’s arms.

Then when the mob had started to pour out into the hillside she had simply taken the baby and 'slipped' away.


She was a cute little thing, with one green eye and one blue. There was also a strange marking on her eyelid.

There was no time for cooing and gushing. Lini moved fast, trying to find a place to leave the poor child, somewhere less judgemental. Suddenly there was a movement in the trees ahead of her.

It couldn't be the humans. They were too far away from her and the baby. She watched, afraid of what might be hiding amongst the trees.

She heard a familiar voice in the darkness. "Lini, oh Lini will you never learn!"

An army of gremlins appeared, dressed in silver armour. That deep voice was so familiar. Who was it?

The ground cracked as the stranger emerged from the trees, and a shadow loomed over her. It was Lord Grim himself. No fairy had encountered Lord Grim and lived to tell the tale

"What do you want?" yelled Lini, causing the baby to cry louder. Jumping in little hops, she hushed the baby. Then, fluttering her wings and stepping back, she asked, "Lord Grim, what do you want with us?"

“Us?” he smirked, looking at the bundle in her arms. He gasped with a grin on his face, “Is that what I think it is? The baby the humans were going to rid themselves of”

Lini supported the crying baby and listened to what Grim had to say, “I came here to rescue this little child. I see you came before me. May I see the baby?” his eyes glowed with green and blue as he stepped even closer to Lini’s petite figure. (hmm, the baby has green and blue eyes and so does the gremlin. As a reader, I'm curious. Very good.

She opened the hood of her cloak and turned away. "You will not see this child!" she cried, throwing off her cloak and leaping into the air. The gremlins started to climb the trees.

One jumped off the tree and caught hold of Lini’s left leg. Another grabbed the baby out her hands from the right and another stomped her to the ground from above.

The child wasn’t safe anywhere. “Please, please” She slid on the grass begging at Lord Grim’s feet with an imp on her back clawing at her wings, “Don’t hurt her. She is only a child”

He smiled and said, “A girl born under a full moon. My but the citizens are heartless, heartless enough to get rid of this young one,” He continued, “Who said I was ever going to hurt her?”

Lini gasped, “You look so menacing that I could not guess from your shadowed face, sire. I only ask that I may go with the child”

He answered back, “You may go, but without this child”

Lini screamed, “No You can’t take her, she needs to be taken care of by her own kind”

He said ruefully, “And you think you are closer to the form of her parents? No, I shall keep her and teach her my ways”

With a shrill cry, Lini jumped from the ground, and grabbed the child out of his arms. A gremlin marched forward and hit her with the flat side of his axe, knocking her to the ground. She lay on her back with the crying child in her arms.

"Take the child, leave the fairy," Lord Grim ordered his gremlins. "We'll hunt her tomorrow morning."

The gremlins obeyed, taking the child from the vice of Lini's arms.

Lord Grim looked at the baby. "I'll call her Dira," he said. He made a signal, and he and the gremlins immediately disappeared into the trees

***

A year passed and Sheril lay in her bed with a newborn son in her arms. "Oh Mark he's beautiful"

She was relieved when the baby was born in the morning. Her heart still longed to her first born, but she knew it was too late. Her little (here's the word "little" again.daughter was gone. Mark walked closer to his new son and held Sheril's hand.

"We'll name him Justen" said Mark

Sheril kissed her son's soft skin, "Justen how I wish your sister was here" She looked at the sparkle in his baby-blue eyes and back at Mark. "Do you think our little girl could still be living this very same day?"

Mark shook his head, "I doubt it Sheril. God blessed us with another child..." He stopped speaking, seeing people arriving at the door of their house. "Wait here" He quickly opened the door before anyone could knock.

Mark glared at them and asked, "What do you want?"

They stood in a line and watched wide-eyed through the door at the baby. One of the men said, "Congratulations!" Mark lowered his shoulders, relieved at what he heard.

He turned away from them and ignored the awestruck or awed people behind him. "His name is Justen and you will not come close to him. You took my first born child. I shall never forgive you." And he shut the door behind him.

.

Hope that helps. For some reason, the sentences in the gremlin/fairy exchange were better constructed. I moved several adverbs, they should almost always come directly before the verb they modify. Not all the changes are marked in red, only those I wanted to stand out.

So, as you can see, it's pretty good; it only needed a minor re-write.

JohnB
 
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