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The Stake

Lhazare

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Here is another extract our of my 1st book:

An vast fire was ravaging everything as it went by. The sky was darkened by the ashes and smoke scattered about by the wind. People were running around, panic-stricken. They were unthinkingly moving on. They were scrambling, not knowing what to salvage before it was too late. Some women were screaming they might have forgotten something at home. The people were so terrorized… Some thought they were more safety at their place ; they were tried to be gotten reasonable, but in vain. The fire was still and still moving forward. It was advancing as fast as the wind was pushing it. On the other side of the village : the sea. But no ! The fire had to come towards the inhabitants who felt that like a real persecution from the elements.
The inhabitants all perished in that fire. No one got away from it. Men, women, children, old men, animals… The houses firmly built by the sweat of their brow : ashes. Everything was no more than ashes. A lifeless landscape. So radiant, so full of life, the village disappeared from the surface of Earth by the breath of fire.

Years afterwards…

The place of the village was no more than a pile of earth, grasses and ashes, forming a hill around which some hotels for tourists longing for thrill were flourishing : this hill would be cursed… The inhabitants in the area felt obliged to exclude at once anyone who would have the audacity to come near. According to a legend, a section of the hill would have become a cliff where an eerie force would be asleep…

In the region a meeting with pupils from various horizons, coming to debate prejudices, took place.
Maria felt lost in all those corridors to pace up and down. This building was worse than a labyrinth ! For instance, to go to the room A : first on the left after the projection room, then on the right after the cafeteria. Where was the projection room ? Which cafeteria ? Moreover people were running around. She didn’t dare to ask whoever it be for her way : they seemed so busy, so preoccupied.
At last the week-end… The sun was on date ; not a cloud on the horizon. One could see as far as one wanted to. Why not take advantage of that ? Walk and take some photos ? She asked the people whom she had become acquainted with and laughed a little for coming with her. Meeting with several refusals, she made up her mind to go alone, determined not to shut herself up with so a beautiful weather.
On the way, she came across a girl who answered to the name of Soraya, whom she had a time with. They chattered. Although they attended the same debates, they hadn’t seen one another. Making the most of the weather, they went for a walk together, till Soraya walked away, giving as an excuse they had “not to go on the hill because an evil force was dormant and waiting for someone to come so as to take possession of his spirit. As this force can’t bear being disturbed, some inhabitants are dead burned alive !”. She stayed on to eat something, watching her sniggering away, and disappearing in the forest.
Maria took some steps forward towards the famous hill, took some photos. She was tempted to approach more amply not to give in to old superstitions. Some clouds which arrived unexpectedly drained a torrential rain. So she decided to go back. Too bad for the hill.
When she arrived in the refectory in the evening, everybody was looking down on her. Nobody wanted to eat with her. Nor to speak with her. “So much the better, I’ve more space to eat”. She knew at heart she only said that to herself to get over her loneliness. She didn’t understand what was, suddenly, happening : though she was so anonymous, she had turned into a real celebrity.
This predicament lasted, endured. When she was passing in the corridors, either people stopped talking and watched her pass, or they started murmuring behind her back. Some deigned at times to address a glance at her. As everybody refused to talk with her, she focused on her work. But in which conditions ? “Witch !”, “Demon !”, “Satan !”… Some people who didn’t know her and had never talked with her judged her, abused her.
A day, Soraya came and talked with her like to a childhood friend. She appreciated that a person had the audacity to come and speak to her. They exchanged about all her secrets. Her presence comforted her, relieved her. She thought it was time for someone to make the effort to understand her. It’s true, she had attempted to go on that hill, but it had rained ! Soraya told her that on the contrary she did go there : controlling extraordinary phenomena tempted her.
After some days, the abuses intensified. The secrets she had confided to an only single person cropped up in what was reproached her. So she went to meet Soraya to ask her for explanations. Seeing she wasn’t alone, she waited. Her loneliness enabled her to think over at length. Soraya was laughing, and so did the ones who were with her. She peered more, and was choked with seeing her in the company of her torturers. She stayed still, like paralyzed. Those ones were joking about that. She wished then her credulity had not driven her to trust that person.
She ran to her bedroom, and she cried her heart. Her tears were drenching her pillow. She would have liked to become invisible. She had closed the door : at present she couldn’t stand the others’ look, so didn’t she the murmurs. Her breathing was irregular, her breath deep. She had the impression that everybody was at her, had a grudge against her. She no longer dared to go out of her bedroom. Yet she was forced to so as to study. Weeping had so much tired her that she fell asleep.
When she woke, her breathing was regular again, and her mind soothed. Which enabled her to think calmly over what had just occurred. Which sin ? Which crime ? She had been thrown out into the stake without more explanations. Her defense had been thrown to the Devil. Who himself didn’t know what to make of it !
Then she understood…
Soraya, so-called friend, had told the others she had gone on the hill. She had preferred to transfer her own story on somebody else. It’s so easy to betray someone whose trust is had. She figured out how the others had been able to be credulous, just as much as she had been. Her powers as a story teller, on the verge of the mythomania, and her friendship with certain people, had favored her to turn Maria’s studies into an ordeal. It was all the easier as Maria didn’t belong to their “background”, to their “tribe”.

It’s all the same paradoxical that people who keep repeating they are not afraid of strangers dread them in fact ; and banish them as soon as they suspect them of being “special”.
 
You need to realize that a majority of readers (at least, those who are stupid enough to go on forums), are prissy, self-righteous, "my opinions kick ass," sort of people. DON'T advertise your damn book, because y'know, even if it's good, it makes you seem...let me find a word for it...desperate. As for the writing itself, not bad, I'm not going to give any priase or criticism only because such a short snip isn't enough for me to give a damn. Finish your manuscript, find an editor/ a publisher, and let them do the advertisement. Yeah, rawr, rant; etc.
 
SevenWritez, you seem to have a bad opinion about readers that go on forums, don't you ? I don't invite myself on forums only to share my words, but also because they are places to meet some other opinions, some other creations sometimes. Even if this story is just "a short snip", couldn't you just have an opinion about it, just in itself, just about the topic... After, maybe your message only means you don't want me to share my words on that forum, doesn't it ? You know I've recently come on that forum, that's why I don't have posted any other messages yet. But I think there are many ways to find out some other creations. I want to stay open-minded and learn from every and any things. You can see lots of good things on blogs for instance. Why not to see them ? Just because it's not a publisher who helps you to know about them ?
 
Here is another extract our of my 1st book:

Lhazare,

I'm not trying to be overcritical but sometimes an outside reader (me) will notice things and author (you) might not be aware of. Here are the starting words of your first ten sentences:

An vast fire was - People were - They were - They were - Some women were - The people were - Some thought they were - they were - The fire was - It was

Was and were are very passive. Varying your sentence structure would make the paragraph easier to read and more exciting, IMHO.

Take care,

JohnB
 
Dear Lhazare, I think you cry too much.

Anyhow, my reason for not being overly negative or positive of your snippet is because I like to watch a metamorphosis happen when reading either a story/poem/song, what have you. I'm detached to any story at first, and then sooner or later--if I stick with it--I began to care for the characters, plot, etc.

A great example is Number9Dream. I was reading it because I had nothing else to, it bored me to tears, but once I hit page 87 or 88 (somewhere around there), I became oddly attached to the story and then sped through it. It's now up there as one of my favorite reads of all time.

And things I say I joke around about, so if I call you a whiny bitch, don't take it too personally.

Listen to John, as he HAS published a novel and can offer you some good advice, as he is in-the-biz-and-all. Provide maybe a bit more of your story for actual reviews, or provide something entirely independent of what this is so we can critique your writing style and maybe help you develope as a writer.

Is that a better answer? Yes? No? Maybe so?
 
Thank you, JohnB, I really did not realize what you've noticed. Your explanation will help me to pay more attention in the future.
As for you SevenWritez, don't worry, I don't take some of your words personally, above all because I don't feel that way. I do think we didn't understand each other. I wasn't crying, but just trying to explain you how different some things can be seen. Now I see how you consider a reading (a little like me : I give chance to a book about 50 pages, according to how big it is), I can understand why you're not interested in my story on its own.
 
Alright, now I feel like an ass seeing as you're actually mature about assholes harassing you. So, I apologize. As for your story, try and throw in some more of it so that I--along with anyone else reading--can get a better feel for what it is.
 
You're welcome, Lhazare. I try not to critique posts to this forum, since it's a "showcase" rather than a critique tool. But I think all of us should point out things we notice that the author might not be aware of, as long as it's done in a civil, mature fashion. I'm posting the following paragraph as an example.

I had a meeting with a senior editor from a major publishing house at the Christopher Newport Univ. Writers' Conference last weekend to discuss my submission of text that I was pitching for an illustrated children's book. First she helped me by saying my characters were not developed enough in the beginning and added a couple of other suggestions, all right on target. But then she said I should always lay out my text in a 32 page format, but leave the first two blank for title, etc. Now, as a beginner in that field, (even though I had a small-press chapbook of poetry and have been published in a couple of children's magazine) I had NO idea that picture books were always 32 pages. So my story/poem would not fit the criteria for any publisher, yet I'd been submitting it for about a year.

I've already re-written it to that spec, and will now lay it aside for a couple of weeks to try and distance myself from my own creation so that I might look on it with a fresh perspective before considering it the final revision. Another person's perspective would probably be even better, but I don't know any other children's writers to ask for comments.

It absolutely amazes me that some neophytes will write something and consider it to be a masterpiece when they have no idea what goes on in the "biz" as sevenwritez calls it. They'll never improve as writers because they consider themselves perfect already. I welcome criticism, but always consider the source, whether or not they know what they're talking about or just running their mouths.

Take care,

JohnB
 
First of all, SevenWritez, I'd like to congratulate you. And it's really not ironic. It's easy to apologize. That's a great point to the maturity, anyway, from what I think. To see other things I wrote, I posted "The Intruder" on that forum and an introduction of the same novel.
Then, JohnB, your advice is to be listened to (or more exactly to be read) because they are argued and simple to understand. I must nonetheless admit I may be sometimes "a little" stubborn, but in my defense, I'm that way about anything and in any occasions just because I "need" a plain supported argumentation. That's a behavior I might learn when I was a student : not be satisfied with only what I'm claimed. And I'm far from seeing my stories as perfect, above all because I did them, as a simple human being. I may be sometimes a little excited like someone who's learning to run, is proud of his legs, but after a while considering what he really did, become humble again. Anyway, thanks for remind me of staying humble as much as possible. That's something too often and too easily forgotten. And, for the moment, I just have around me friends and family saying me my words are great (I'm sure they'd say that even whether that was very awful...), but that doesn't help me to improve how I write.
 
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