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Who do you Marry & how do you know they are the one?

Motokid

Motokid

New Member
I'm always a bit amazed at how people go about dating, getting engaged, and eventually get married.

What do you think is the "best" way to find out if the person you love is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Do you:

1. Know it right from the start (love at first sight kind of thing)
2. Have a time frame in mind. (will not commit until we've dated for at least 5 years???)
3. Live together before you commit to marriage?
4. other (fill in the blank)

I contend that you can't really know a person if you have not lived with them, slept with them, had intimate relations with them, and basically "tested" your relationship in a situation that actually mimicks being married.

I've known people who refuse to live together out of wedlock based on family and religious reasons. I've known people that have gotten married within a year of the first time they actually met the person. I've known people who would regularly fight with their fiance, break up, get back together, repeat a number of times, and eventually get married.

If you "break up" numerous times, or have some pretty intense fights with your partner during the dating process, can you really last a lifetime with this person after your married?

Has the age old, mostly religious view of "living in sin" finally become an acceptable practice, or do most people still find something wrong with it?

Is there a "best" way to find out if Mr. or Miss Right is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Based on the divorce rate here in the USA I know there's no right or wrong answer, but I'd love to know what y'all think.

I think too many people rush into marriage without having properly "tested" their relationship.
 
I did not have the 'love at first sight' thing with the guy I'm engaged to. Instead I had the four years of good friendship and then a couple of tentative dates where we discovered a mutual passion on top of the friendship. So I was pretty sure that I could get on with the guy.

We've now moved in and are saving to buy a house. But we're not actually getting married until 2009, because I want to be sure that I feel right about it then - despite the four years of friendship and one year now of true relationship. Maybe this is cautious?

All I know is that I get worried when friends of mine are engaged quickly or married quickly, because I rarely see that work out. I truly believe you should 'test drive' the guy you plan to be with for the rest of your life.
 
Assuming you live in a western society then getting married should not be done unless there is a gain to be had.

By gain I mean something material.

IF YOU LOVE you partner and your partner LOVES you,and you get along with each other, then signing a piece of paper to get married irrespective of where you sign, what ceremony, or what you say immediately before hand should not make one iota of difference.

If it does, then that PIECE OF PAPER means more to you than your partner. People might say that it adds to the relationship, or that you are declaring to the world you commitment and love. What bullshit. All that should matter is what you and your partner believe, know and feel. Any-one who shuns you for not being married is not worth knowing, talking to or even thinking about.

Now if by getting married it materially improves you life or the lives of your kids then go ahead and get married.
 
If I'm to have children I want them to take on the surname of my partner. Plus, I want to take on his surname as a signal of our commitment. So to me marriage is a logical step.

And I believe it is a way of standing up in front of close friends and family and saying that you are committing to just one person for your life. Marriage is deeply important to me - not because it will change my relationship in any way, but as an outward signal to people that I am forever part of a couple. I don't want to introduce James as my boyfriend or partner, but as my husband.
 
interesting viewpoint there Carlos....

There are tax advantages in the USA to being married.

It also helps with the whole child issue. Having both parents with the same name and all...

If it were not for having kids, or planning to have kids I should say, I'm not sure I would have had any real desire to have the paper.
 
Carlos said:
Assuming you live in a western society then getting married should not be done unless there is a gain to be had.

By gain I mean something material.

IF YOU LOVE you partner and your partner LOVES you,and you get along with each other, then signing a piece of paper to get married irrespective of where you sign, what ceremony, or what you say immediately before hand should not make one iota of difference.

If it does, then that PIECE OF PAPER means more to you than your partner. People might say that it adds to the relationship, or that you are declaring to the world you commitment and love. What bullshit. All that should matter is what you and your partner believe, know and feel. Any-one who shuns you for not being married is not worth knowing, talking to or even thinking about.

Now if by getting married it materially improves you life or the lives of your kids then go ahead and get married.
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I feel exactly the same way. Of course, our society pretty much forces marriage on couples through tax breaks, pensions and health insurance. I think it is beyond stupid.
 
The name thing is easy. Change it by depol. In Australia it is cheaper to change your name than it is to register a marriage! Sorts that one out.

Tax in Australia goes on who is dependant on who, ie 'wife' and kids. So no gain there.
 
I would say the word "force" is a bit strong...the monetary advantages are by no means huge...

I think the social stigma is much more the deciding factor than anything else.
 
Another really good discussion started by Moto

Magemanda said:
If I'm to have children I want them to take on the surname of my partner. Plus, I want to take on his surname as a signal of our commitment. So to me marriage is a logical step.

And I believe it is a way of standing up in front of close friends and family and saying that you are committing to just one person for your life. Marriage is deeply important to me - not because it will change my relationship in any way, but as an outward signal to people that I am forever part of a couple. I don't want to introduce James as my boyfriend or partner, but as my husband.
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I have a pretty identical point of view as Magemanda, until you are married a lot of people still don't see you as a permanent couple. I can't believe how much people's attitudes towards me changed when I got engaged, as though I was no longer a kid myself as I'd made such a mature decision in their eyes. Plus there is also the aspect that my first child is from a previous relationship & wanted her to feel some security.

Regarding when I realised he was the one, it wasn't a love at first sight thing, nor was it a waiting a certain amount of time first thing. I knew I had very strong feelings for him, but it wasn't until we'd been through some tough situations together & we'd seen each others best & worst sides I felt certain this was long term. To me, being love with someone is about seeing them for who they truly are, warts & all, & still loving them regardless. It's also about being able to handle very stressful & high conflict situations safe in the knowledge that even if things are rocky now, they will work themselves out evetually. I'm not claiming it's easy, as at times the much easier option is to walk away, but I am saying it's totally worth it.
 
I lived with my wife for nearly 16 years now. Really we got married last year, but I've never considered legal procedures as needed in this case.

I first met my Janna in a bus, which delivered us from Moscow to the construction site in the Zvyezdny Gorodok (Star City) - a place, where our astronauts live and learn. I just started to work as a senior site supervisor there, and Janna worked as a painter - plasterer... Cannot remember the right English word for it, sorry...
So. Janna and her friend were late, and when they arrived at last, her immediate boss started to bark at her. Janna barely looked at the boss, told him "F**k off" in the very ordinary, regular tone, exactly as one could say "Hello" to a stranger, and sat with her friend on a seat near the boss, and started to chat with one another. I think at that minute I recognized her as the woman I needed. Her wavy long hair, beautiful face, pretty legs helped me to get at that decision. Time has shown me I had been right.
Now Janna is an interior designer with several completed projects behind her... She may be not that young anymore, but I still love her...
 
I think part of where Carlos is going is why do you need a piece of paper to be able to say "this is my husband" or "this is my wife" ?

If you make that commitment to each other you can call each other whatever you want.

I've never been asked to prove I'm married by having to show a marriage license. It's just taken on my word that I have one. I don't wear a ring as a symbol. I could be lying.
 
i don't think you'll ever be sure that the person you've chosen to marry is 'the one'. i think we all have more than one 'soul mate' out there. i respect those that make the decision to get married, but for me it just seems so final. i just don't think that you have to go thru the big song and dance to prove to others and sometimes yourself that you are committed to this person.
 
This idea that marriage is just a piece of paper is strange and, to me, speaks of inexperience with a marital relationship.

Marriage is a social contract. It's a formal, legal agreement to work together to build a relationship that has emotional, economic, and social aspects. It's not incidental to the relationship, but is a more serious, legal and public commitment to work as a family unit. There's a lot more to it than being 'in love' or sharing health-insurance benefits and tax returns.

I see my marriage as a contract that I eagerly entered into 20 years ago and that I have distinct obligations--both emotional and practical--that I need to fulfill in order for it to flourish. Though the particular circumstances may change over time, and the particular obligations morph as we go through jobs, houses, births, and deaths, the commitment is still the same and goes way beyond the love that I feel for my husband. Our mutual decision-making, the daily give-and-take, the way that we resolve differences are, in some ways, more important that the romantic love. If you look at the reasons why people get divorced, they have difficulties with these things very often, even though they may love each other.

We met and married the same year, 1985, and lived together for 2 months before the wedding.
 
I'm not married, so maybe, this question isn't intended for me.

But I was once engaged, and ending it was the weightiest and most consequential decision I have ever made for myself; so I do know how you find out someone is not "the one", or even "a one".

I agree with you Motokid, on living together first.
 
John Gottman from the University of Washington studies married couples' dynamics and has a 94% accuracy rate in predicting whether the couples will stay together. He's studied hundreds of couples and his accuracy rate is really high even when observing a couple for just a few minutes.

According to Gottman, the way a couple discusses and resolves an issue of conflict indicates everything. In general, the less stress and anger and the more softness and humor are present, the better the outcome. Which belies the belief that 'true love' is the best predictor of a happy marriage.
 
Some people have romantic notions of "the one" or "soulmates", etc.. As if a lover or partner is going to fill in the gaps in their life and make them whole. Personally, I think the key is to enter into a relationship already a whole person. When I met my wife (I have been married for over 15 years now), we started out as friends, slowly progressed to lovers and then became serious about a life-long commitment. What I love about her (then and now) is that she is an individual. She doesn't need me. She is a complete person without me, and I am the same way. We chose to get married because we had similar values and ideas about how to raise a family. Our relationship isn't perfect, we fight often (mostly over petty BS), but we know that deep down we agree on the most important aspects of our relationship and family. Most importantly we have trust and faith in one another.

I can't speak for other people. IMO, I see too many so-called adults nowadays seriously lacking in maturity. They're wrapped up in the whole "me first / instant gratification" mentality. Having a successful Marriage and raising a family requires sacrifice and commitment.
 
Sell Sword said:
Some people have romantic notions of "the one" or "soulmates", etc.. As if a lover or partner is going to fill in the gaps in their life and make them whole. Personally, I think the key is to enter into a relationship already a whole person. When I met my wife (I have been married for over 15 years now), we started out as friends, slowly progressed to lovers and then became serious about a life-long commitment. What I love about her (then and now) is that she is an individual. She doesn't need me. She is a complete person without me, and I am the same way. We chose to get married because we had similar values and ideas about how to raise a family. Our relationship isn't perfect, we fight often (mostly over petty BS), but we know that deep down we agree on the most important aspects of our relationship and family. Most importantly we have trust and faith in one another.

I can't speak for other people. IMO, I see too many so-called adults nowadays seriously lacking in maturity. They're wrapped up in the whole "me first / instant gratification" mentality. Having a successful Marriage and raising a family requires sacrifice and commitment.
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You are right in almost everything, I think. The only thing I cannot be with you on is this "slow progressing". As different people have different ways, it is not right to expect everybody progressing in the same way.

And another... I met some people who looked very immature to me, and their marriages too, but their relationships last for decades and do not show signs of wear...

But about completeness - that's very well said.
 
"i don't think you'll ever be sure that the person you've chosen to marry is 'the one'. i think we all have more than one 'soul mate' out there."

You are both right and wrong....sort of...I've never met one person that I like, let alone love more than my wife. We've been together for 19 years and married for 15. We are pretty perfect for each other in just about every way. The little differences help keep things interesting. Is there someone else in this world that might have the same effect on me....maybe...but I'll probably never know because I'm completely content with who I have. You can't find what your not looking for can you?

And Novella....why can't you have the same "commitment" with your husband regardless of having the "legal piece of paper"? The commitment is between you and your husband, not you, your husband, and the community around you. If there was no children involved, would there really be any difference in your relationship with or without the license?
 
Motokid said:

And Novella....why can't you have the same "commitment" with your husband regardless of having the "legal piece of paper"? The commitment is between you and your husband, not you, your husband, and the community around you. If there was no children involved, would there really be any difference in your relationship with or without the license?
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Why does anyone enter into a legal contract? Why not just trust your business partner or your real estate agent? One enters into a legal contract because it is a public statement of intent. You can't just walk away from it.

People who don't get married, I think, want to keep the option of walking away any time they feel like it. Things aren't working out? You feel restless? Walk away from it. It's a free country, right? To me, legal marriage is a mutual agreement not to just walk away from each other, but to treat your relationship as an important, binding, indivisible unit.

Of course contracts can be broken, but they exist for good reasons. They are a statement of mutual intent and shared purpose.
 
I've known my husband since I was 14, we were good friends in high school and dated occaisionally. I think he is probably the closest friend I've ever had and he truely knows all about me.

We were probably not each other's hottest romance but we always ended up drying each others tears when those ended. We are close but not alike and our deferences really compliment each other.

I agree with what Sellsword mentioned earlier about being two independant people, I think needing and depending on someone can cause a huge strain in the relationship.

We lived together for a few months before marriage and we would of been happy with just that but with him being in the military it was beneficial to marry and we knew we would be happy starting a family together.
 
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