You Might Be A Montanan If...

[K-Dawn]

I got a great e-mail that had a bunch of Jeff Foxworthy's 'You Might Be A Montanan If' jokes on it. They're kind of like the 'You Might Be A Redneck If' jokes, only about Montanans. They're great!

You Might Be A Montanan If...

1.Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce
2.You go to a tailgate party every Friday night
3.You have more miles on your snowblower than on your vehicle
4.A brat is something you eat
5.Your town has an equal number of bars and churches
6.You install security lights on both your house and garage and leave both unlocked
7.You measure distance in hours
8.You consider it a sport to gather food by drilling through 18 feet of ice and sitting there all day hoping food will swim by
9.You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
10.You know several people who ran over a deer more than once
11.Vacation means going east or west on I-90 or Highway 2 for the weekend
12.You can drive 65mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
13.Your Independence Day Picnic (in July) is moved indoors due to frost
14.You have a lenghy conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
15.You find 0 degrees Farinheight (please correct me if I spelled that wrong) a "little chilly"
16.Your local DQ is closed November through March
17.You know all the seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Road Construction

I didn't get a lot of these at first; then again, I am a Montanan. Which was your favorite? I liked number 17.

 

[Ashlea]

The Houston version

This is our version, with some removed as they were just too silly, and with explanations:


You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat. (Everyone dresses funny for the Livestock Show and Rodeo, and there's this trail ride right through town.)

The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes. ("Farm-to-Market" roads used to be just that, now they're minor highways from suburbia.)

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees. (Weather: self-explanatory.)

You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven. (We keep the exterminators busy here in the swamp.)

When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed. (Fire ants suck. They ate through the Super Conductor we were trying to build.)

You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World. (It's a defunct sports area with good marketing.)

You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed norther" has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes. (Weather again.)

Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp. (Not happened to me yet, but my neighbors are really going at it.)

You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there. (Ah, Harwin, home of cheap knockoffs. For $5 they'll put the logos on the purses in the back room.)

You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands. (Lots of crossdressers in certain areas of town. LOTS.)

You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene. (Bad accent joke.)

You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person. (I've said this before.)

For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped -- not ground -- beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes. (I actually like chili with beans.)

Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair, and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south. (We do keep the plastic surgeons busy.)

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.) (We're kinda spread out.)

You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 20-30 years. (Highway construction: a way of life.)

If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day. (Usually we're around 95 %.)

A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low, right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it. (I think I'd point, actually.)

You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather that they keep the title of "Smog Capital." (Oil refineries + high humidity = smog.)

You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night. (Watch "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." That creepy guy . . . he's real.)

 

[dele]

Those sound like my hometown!

Here's The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C): Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 Fahrenheit (0 C): American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C): New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C): Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173 Fahren heit (-114 C): Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C): Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C): Hell freezes over. The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

 

[SHorn]

You might be a Floridian if:

-You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

-Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

-You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

-You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

-Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in" and the color is pea green from all the roof shingles lying on the bottom

-Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

-You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

-You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

-You now understand what that little "5% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

-Your actual insurance double storm deductible is more than some countries’ national debt

-You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

-You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

-Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

-You now own 5 large ice chests

-Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

-You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

-You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of Power Company trucks come down your street

-You're depressed when they don't stop

-You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

-You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

-You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

-You know what "Bar chain oil" is

-You're thinking of getting your spouse the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

-You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

-You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

-Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

-Your medical insurance company is debating on covering “hurricane depression syndrome”

-You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

-You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!