Readers who have long been frustrated by Jane Austen's inexplicable desire to leave the intimate details of Darcy and Elizabeth's relationship behind a closed door, or by Arthur Conan Doyle's decision not to allow Holmes and Watson to hook up on his pages, will be relieved to learn that help is at hand, thanks to erotic publisher Total-E-Bound.
Jumping on the Fifty Shades of Grey bandwagon, along with the rest of UK publishing, the small press is about to launch erotic rewrites of classic titles including Pride and Prejudice, Northanger Abbey, Jane Eyre and A Study in Scarlet. "There is no doubting the fact that the classics remain an inspiration to writers, even today, with many complex and thought-provoking storylines. But if we are honest to ourselves, haven't we heard the same reserved tale told time and time again?" says the publisher. "We'll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed ... The old fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn't really think that these much loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks did you?"
So in Northanger Abbey, Catherine is introduced to "a whole new world of eroticism ... where sex knows no boundaries" by Henry. In A Study in Scarlet, Watson falls in love with Holmes and finds himself "having his sexual needs attended to in a way he had only previously dreamed about". And in Jane Eyre – which is also being subjected to an erotic rewrite by debut novelist Eve Sinclair as Jane Eyre Laid Bare – nothing is left to the imagination, as the timid governess is told in no uncertain terms: "My penis is hard, Jane. That is what kissing you does to me. My body is filled with desire."
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, by Jules Verne, is also undergoing an unlikely revision, with Pierre Aronnax "distracted by Ned Land, a sexy and temperamental harpooner who has his sights set on the Professor". "Ned was stalking me, baiting me, hunting me, much as he was the demon narwhal, albeit with more subtlety than force. As he spoke, he would often move closer, allowing his thigh to brush mine as we sat side by side. More than once he teased my wrist with his strong, calloused fingers, and seemed to know the secret thrill it stirred in me," writes Verne's new co-author, Marie Sexton.
The sexual tension Austen creates between Elizabeth and Darcy, meanwhile, is given its release by Amy Armstrong for Total-E-Bound. "'Please take me,' she whispered. 'I need it. I ache for it.'" Armstrong's is not the first erotic revisiting of Austen's most popular novel: author Mitzi Szereto's Pride and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts looks at the ensuing fun when "Mr Bingley and his sister both have designs on Mr Darcy's manhood" and when "Lady Catherine de Bourgh takes the disciplining of those in the parish very seriously".
As EL James's erotic Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy dominates this summer's book charts, with sales of over three million copies in the UK already this year, the rewritten classics are likely to sell well. And even Martin Amis has expressed a desire to learn more about the details of the relationship between Elizabeth and Darcy. "I wouldn't have minded a rather more detailed conclusion – say, a 20-page sex scene featuring the two principals, with Mr Darcy, furthermore, acquitting himself uncommonly well," he has written. "Such a scene would take place, of course, not in a country inn or a louche lodging house in town but amid all the comfort and elegance of Pemberley, with its parklands and its vistas and its ten grand a year." But whether he'll be buying Total-E-Bound's version remains to be seen.
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