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'Addiction'

RobertM

RobertM

New Member
A bizarro-world short story. Feel free to tear it to shreds...

Addiction

The three officers opened the outer airlock door leading to the house. They waited for the standard green light to flash, and then removed their oxygen helmets before knocking.

A blonde woman with thin hair opened the inner door. She pointed to the bedroom. “He’s been locked in there for ten days! He won’t go to work. We haven’t any credits remaining and there’s no more food in the house. You have to do something!”

“Nature Channel?” asked an officer.

“What the hell do you think?” The scraggly woman turned and screamed at the bedroom door. “It’s the police, Eugene! Now you’re in for it!”

“Stand aside, ma’am.” The police kicked down the door as if it were made of balsa and dragged Eugene Daniels from the bedroom. He was unshaven and bleary-eyed.

His wife pushed her way past everyone and shut off the television with an angry blow, nearly breaking it. A picture of green fields and a river slowly faded to black.

While two of the officers held Daniels firmly, the other forced an oxygen helmet over his head and led him outside.

There was not a trace of green anywhere. The sky was a pale yellow, with crumbling buildings that stretched for miles and hot air thick with the smell of acid and slow death...

The End
 
You seem to have an annoying knack of putting in exclamation marks where they don't belong. Is this because you lack the ability to show character and expect this little mark to add character to their words?

My biggest complaint of this type of writing is that it's a catalogue of actions with some dialogue to pad it out. Or, in other words, put it in the present tense and what you've written is a play:
The three officers open the outer airlock that leads to the house. They wait for the green light to flash before removing their helmets. One of them knocks on the door.
A blonde woman opens the door. She points to the bedroom.
WOMAN: He’s been locked in there for ten days. He won’t go to work. We haven’t any credits remaining and there’s no more food in the house. You have to do something.
OFFICER 1: Nature Channel?
Click to expand...
As it's just a list of actions and events what you are lacking is any of the substance that makes prose interesting: description, style, tone, etc. I think your dialogue doesn't feel realistic either.

Take for example, the woman opening the door. She's a tad cardboard in her demeanour. Her dialogue suggests that she may be worried but there's nothing about her that says that she is. Her speech is long and unbroken as she lists what's wrong. I'd expect someone worried - panicked, perhaps - to have shorter, sharper dialogue where their condensed words are spat out. (i.e. "He's been there for ten days. Locked in. We've no credits. No food.") And then, when she says "You have to do something" I would expect her to be doing something, namely tugging on the nearest officer's arm, pleading, perhaps crying.

Regarding the house, is there any distance between the door the blonde woman opens and the bedroom door that gets kicked down? It just seems the officers step in and kick it. No sense of the house, of the quality of life that goes on in here. Does it seem like a happy home? Are they messy? Or tidy? Is the decor minimal? Or do they have photos of kids all over the walls? What does the house say about the people who live there?

The police kicked down the door as if it were made of balsa and dragged Eugene Daniels from the bedroom.
Click to expand...
Did Eugene just go without a fight? You'd think if he were holed up for ten days it would be for a pretty good reason, especially if three police officers have turned up to retrieve him. It certainly needs more description, more action, and more protest from Euguene.
 
There was not a trace of green anywhere. The sky was a pale yellow, with crumbling buildings that stretched for miles and hot air thick with the smell of acid and slow death...
Click to expand...
If the world is like this, where and why would Eugene need to work at all and how would they get television reception?
 
Yes, ok...everyone just go ahead and pick on him now. As for the exclamation thing that Steve mentioned. There's a hidden rule of it. Don't use them. They suck, they're stupid, and they're for people who should be branded as 'bitch-tits.' Just saying.

! = Shit
 
I have to agree with most of the comments made about the story. Sounds strange, I know. It was just a throwaway tale, a little flash piece from a couple of years back that I dug from old files. I think originally the flash contest asked for something on 'the environment' or somesuch.

After I read it again, I decided I didn't like it much, either. :cool:
 
Robert, don't give up. You have something there.

You just have to see your stories as living things, make them alive, and always keep a sense of realism.

Writing is best when it mimics truth.
 
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