• Welcome to BookAndReader!

    We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!

    Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.

Anybody got a joke?

Irish Joke

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he
said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."


Suddenly a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I
found one."
 
Little Johnny

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"


He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and
.......I think....... I gave him my airplane glue."
 
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
 
The devil made me do this

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

;)
 
Retirees- The Whole Truth

Retirees (That's Me):): The Whole Truth, Nothing But...

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
 
turque said:
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
Click to expand...


LOL-One of the better ones out there Turque!.


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large
sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the
lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the
judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or
ethical behavior. A stunt like that would
prejudice him against you. He might even
hold you in contempt of court. In fact,
you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge
rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It
worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if
you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer,
incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge,
but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Click to expand...
 
One day in the future, a Jewish president is elected. One day he calls his mother to invite her to the white house for dinner the followin evening.
"So how am I supposed to get to the Vite Houze?", she askes her son.
"Mom", he answers. "I'm the president! A limo will pick you up at your door and take you to the airforce base. From there Air Force 1 will take you to Washington DC and another Limo will take you to the white house. Door to door transportation - that's what the President's mother gets - so don't worry about a thing. Be ready by 11:00 a.m. - the Limo will be there by 11:15. You can even stay a few nights and Air Force 1 and the limo will bring you home.

So later that day she is speaking with her friends. "So my son invited me to dinner tomorrow night and to stay a few days."
The friend says, "Your son? Vadda vunderful boychick. Your son the doctair?
The mother says, "No, not the doctair, the other one."
 
I got this today, don't know if it's been told before:

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the
driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this
Saturday.
 
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


​
 
A trucker came into a truck stop diner and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just
ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?" No," the
cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is
two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked,
"What are the beans for, Blondie? She replied, "I thought while you were
waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as
well gas up!
 
Subject: Navajo Wisdom

Bottle of wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
 
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm
a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing
trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420
and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...



Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
 
You'll have to be from my side of the pond and maybe my side of Hadrian's Wall for this one.

What have Harry Redknapp and the Titanic got in common?






They both should have stayed at Southampton:) ;)
 
Walkin' On Water

All of his life George, from Cape Breton, had heard stories of an
amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st
birthday. On that day, they would walk across the lake to the boat
club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took
a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat
and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma,
it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my
father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass kid,
your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January,
you were born in July."
 
A young man is walking the aisles in the department store wondering what to get his girl for Valentines day, when he sees this new machine that looks like a sleek new Automatic Teller Machine. The sign on it says
Personalized Valentine's Day Cards!
Created just for you using amazing new technology of Artificial Intelligence!
Will uncover your hidden romantic passions for your best beloved!
Please, deposit 50 cents, please!​
Click to expand...
He figures 'what's to lose?' So he puts his 50 cents in the slot and the words flash on the secreen:
"OK now, just to get some background, what kind of card were you thinking of sending? Type your answer now using the keyboard below."
So he thinks a bit, then types:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Tomorrow is St. Valentines Day
I love you!​
Click to expand...
"No, no, no" says the machine, "much too ordinary! Let me ask you a few questions to get some material to work with here."
"OK"
"Do you adore your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Does your heart go thump thump thump when you even think of your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Would you climb the highest mountain for your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Would you swim the widest ocean for your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Would you give your every treasure for your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Is your best beloved the fairest of all women in the world?
"Yes."
Are her eyes like limpid pools of clear blue water?"
"Yes."
"Do you tremble at her touch?"
"Yes."
"Would you walk through fire for your best beloved?"
"Yes."
"Would you give your life for your best beloved?
"Yes."
"OK, now we're getting somewhere! Your own personalized card will be ready in a minute."
After a miinute, a card falls into the hopper. Eagerly he picks it up and reads

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day,
I love you!​
Click to expand...
 
Brilliant Ways Girls Turn Guys Down

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy!
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: "Yes, and this one will be if you sit down."
 
Joke: How the world works!

Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay? :p :p
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top